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Original poster

Urgent advice please

33 replies

Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 00:44

Posting here for traffic.

I'm currently looking after my friends 7 year old dd ( I'll call her emily) My friend and her husband are currently 2 hours away with her mil who is dying.

I have a dd8 and ds6. Emily has been with me since very early this morning since my friend got the call that her mil death was imminent.

Emily is aware her grandma is very ill but my friend has been vague with details and Emily doesn't know her grandma is actually dying.

My two dc are asleep. Emily is upset. She's crying that she misses her mum and dad. She's saying she's scared her grandma will
die.
I'm trying to comfort her by distracting her and making her laugh...jeeez I'm struggling though

OP posts:
Haberpop · 31/08/2018 00:48

Poor Emily, I can imagine how upset she is feeling, have you got any books you could read to her? There should be more friends like you in this world Flowers

Moanslice · 31/08/2018 00:50

Put on a film?

Moanslice · 31/08/2018 00:51

Make her some cheese on toast?
Warm bath with lavendar etc

Original poster
Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 00:51

We've had a cuddle and are chatting about our 10 week old kitten. I'm trying to remain upbeat.

I'm worried about how to answer questions about her grandma..I can't tell Emily yes your grandma is dying.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 31/08/2018 00:53

Can’t she speak to her mum or dad? Dh and I have both recently lost our parents but one of us stayed with the kids because it’s important to remember they’re experiencing this too and sometimes the not knowing is worse.

If this had been when my dad was dying I’d have absolutely 100% want to have known.

FetchezLaVache · 31/08/2018 00:58

Poor little love! FWIW I think your approach is absolutely the right one - her parents obviously had their (very understandable) reasons for downplaying DGM's state of health and I'm sure it would only add to her upset and disorientation if disabused now.

Freddiepurrcury · 31/08/2018 01:01

Agree with PP, your approach is the right one. You sound like a lovely person Flowers hope poor Emily settles soon.

DoorbellsSleighbellsSchnitzel · 31/08/2018 01:15

I think you're doing the right thing. Distraction from the upset, and try to help her get some rest.
Would a sofa/blanket and a favourite TV show help if nothing else is...?

Oh and well done for being a wonderful friend in a time of need 💐

Original poster
Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 01:17

I hope she settles soon. She must be so tired. We have all had a mega busy day too.

Emily arrived really early this morning. It was my ds birthday so we had a party this afternoon. Far too much sugar was consumed by all 3 kids. Mine were asleep hours ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 01:18

Blanket and warm milk. She's back in bed for now.

Tbh now I'm layed here worrying and listening out for her

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 31/08/2018 01:24

At least when she falls asleep she'll be so tired it should be a good solid chunk until morning.

Sounds like you've been fantastic - you must be well and truly shattered!

Naughtykitty · 31/08/2018 01:27

Bless her, she sounds very upset. If she wakes up upset then give her a comforting cuddle and validate her feelings, it's okay to be sad and worried. Distraction is great but usually only works for a little while.

Sounds like you are doing a good job in looking after her and being a wonderful friend. X

Original poster
Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 08:44

I had to wake Emily up at 8 as her parents were driving back to collect her for her hospital psychiatrist appointment. Emily is having autism assessments atm.

Emily's grandma didn't pass away over night so Emily will return to me after her appointment later this morning and her parents will drive back to be with her grandma.

I have no experience of comforting a child with possible autism...I hope I don't sound horrible. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Bleedingblood · 31/08/2018 08:48

I think the parent should stay with Emily. Or they should take her with them. Its not fair on Emily or you. Plus, it could go on for days

Queenelsarules · 31/08/2018 08:58

It terms of her autism: She needs unvarnished truth, her parents need to tell her the state of play when they return, this will at least enable you to have more honest conversations with her when her parents leave. She will be worried, and picking up that she is not getting the whole story, this will be really distressing. You are doing a great job, do you know the things she does to regulate? My daughter likes colouring, or play dough/Lego/kinetic sand/water play. These help her stay calm. Good luckBrew

MrsMozart · 31/08/2018 09:02

You're doing a wonderful job with her.

I've found that being clear and not ambiguous is the best way. In my experience black and white rather than greys. It can be hard to find the balance though between giving the right level of information.

Sorry, I'm not being much use really. I hope it all goes as well as it can.

haba · 31/08/2018 09:33

Absolutely do give her the truth- my DD with ASD cannot stand lies- they feel physically wrong to her! But you can couch it in sympathetic terms- yes granny is very poorly, sometimes we can't make people well, let's think of the lovely things she's done to keep her in our hearts etc.
All children understand/deal with death differently, even those with autism.

Floralnomad · 31/08/2018 09:39

Before she is dropped back to you you need to have a chat with the parents and tell them that if she asks you if Grandma is dying that you feel you need to be honest . Frankly if they can both leave granny to go to the appt then I can’t see why one of them can’t stay at home with her anyway , surely they go back to school next week and she needs a bit of stability at home . You sound like a lovely friend btw .

Pinkkahori · 31/08/2018 09:43

My dad died last year but had been seriously ill for many months. We rushed to the hospital many times thinking it was the end.
I didn't tell my dcs that he was dying and the first 3 times he managed to rally a bit and hold on for months.
They knew he was very, very sick. We told them it was serious and that the doctors were doing what they could but we didn't know what would happen.
I wouldn't tell a child someone was dying because you just don't know when it will be for sure.
It was difficult enough for us as adults being on that rollercoaster so I imagine it would be awful for children.
I would be honest and say the person is very, very sick and getting the best help but make no promises.

Deadheadstickeronacadillac · 31/08/2018 09:44

You are amazing.
Will echo pp, Lego, board games etc to entertain, but mainly you being there and in the same room will help. Through no ones fault she is probably feeling a little abandoned and needs subconscious reassurance that she isn't on her own.
Is she ready for school? Could you afford to take her to Poundland or something to choose a special set of girly erasers or something?

Original poster
Mrspimplepopper · 31/08/2018 09:59

When Emily's mum collected her I explained that Emily had been upset during the night and worried about what's happening with her grandma.

Emily's mum said they would chat with her before bringing her back to me.

Emily's grandma is at home. Nurses stayed over night. She has a morphine pump keeping her comfortable. She's not really conscious anymore. The doctor has been and said it will be a matter of hours now.

To answer a few questions. Emily seems to like structure and a clear plan of the days time table. I know she has a little pop up tent at home where is goes to read and feel safe.

I just want to do the best I can

I want Emily's patents to tell her the truth or have permission to do so myself. I a kind way of course

OP posts:
FaithInfinity · 31/08/2018 10:02

Oh OP that’s tough. I would take the parents on one side and explain what she’s been asking and that you think it would be kinder to tell her the truth at this point.

In terms of the ASD, I’m autistic, I hate lies. I hate knowing I’ve been deceived and have lost friends when they’ve lied to me. Trust is very important. I hate unexpected touch too so I would suggest offering hugs rather than just hugging for example. I’d also say to her that it’s olay to be upset or sad because her Grandma is poorly. Better to let it out than try to be brave and end up feeling worse.

FaithInfinity · 31/08/2018 10:05

Crossed posts, it’s good that you’ve talked to her Mum. I hope they can have a chat.

Oh she’s likely to be exhausted after assessments so I would suggest setting up a quiet space for her at your house if you can where she can chill alone if she needs to.

flapjackfairy · 31/08/2018 10:09

Try and get the pop up tent or similar at your house. She needs a safe place to retreat .

NonaGrey · 31/08/2018 10:12

Poor wee girl.

You are a good friend.

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