Worst holiday ever. DD loud and attention seeking.

[HootieandtheBlowjob]

...that's it really. She's 13 so I know it's a tricky age. I just don't know how to handle it. She's deliberately being annoying and loud. Continuouslyterrupts when I'm speaking for example. Being intentionally mean to her brother to get a reaction. I tell her off and I'm met with sarcasm, backchat and mockery. I threaten to take her phone or whatever and she says "don't care". I take the phone, she carries on being even louder and attention seeking. I snap. She reacts by screaming and running around, flailing and crying, faking panic attacks, shouting "why do you hate me". I'm exhausted.

Another example. If we decide to go to the pool she wants to go to the beach and if we don't do it her way we all must hate her and she flips out, as above.

The other night she was so defiant, cheeky, rude, loud and badly behaved and I told her to go to her room and that she has no say in our plans from now on. She screamed and screamed, unmade her bed, threw all her clothes out of her wardrobe. When she emerged later on, she had superficial cuts to her forearm which she did with the buckle of her shoe.

I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this. She's been through CAMHS for anxiety a few years ago and we learned some coping strategies, but this is different.

I'm posting here for traffic really. Any advice appreciated. I'll obviously talk to school next week. Thanks

If she is anything like my daughter, she is behaving this way because she has a new audience, upping her behaviour because she is out of her comfort zone. Its flipping wearing on everyone. Have you asked her, or do you just get attitude and sarcastic answers.

Thanks for your answer Golden.

I have spoken to her when she's calmer, and she's always apologetic and says she doesn't understand why she behaves that way. DH puts it down to hormones and lets her away with far more than I do. Which isn't helpful I guess that we're not always on the same page.

She's a lovely girl, albeit always has been a challenge. This has been the hardest phase though.

I agree, my daughter is 11 this year but she has honestly been like this from day one. Dh is very intolerant of her behaviour, I understand her better now, but it's a struggle.

Ignore the bad behaviour as much as possible. Stay calm and loving and don't engage with her tantrums. Don't discuss plans with her - present them as a fait accompli and when she kicks off calmly remind her that her behaviour means that she's currently not entitled to join in the discussion.

Do not clear up after her. Let her suffer the consequences of her actions. Ultimately, if she doesn't have an audience then she'll stop the behaviour. She's testing you and massively your boundaries. These have to stay impenetrable because that's what children need to keep them feeling safe. Don't necessarily punish her either because she wants attention - good or bad.

I do realise that this plan of action may be difficult on holiday though!

It does sound like teen brain, but my complete sympathies - ruins the holiday for everyone. Hope things improve when you get home again.

My DD is the same. I'm currently reading a book called 'Get Out of My Life but First Take Me and Alex to Town', which is helping me to understand teenage behaviour. I'm only a couple of chapters in but it highlights the natural, essential need that teens have to begin the process of 'separating' from their parents, and the clumsy slow process of how that actually happens. Parents get the brunt of the bad behaviour. Unfortunately, the process for girls (in general) seems to involve lots of shouting and arguing, whereas apparently boys tend to withdraw into themselves and retreat to their bedrooms which can no doubt be difficult too.

I do hope you can enjoy some of your holiday at least. We found our recent holiday with DD very hard going.

Sounds like my 13 year olds twin. She’s always been challenging! The only thing that has any impact is removing her phone and she’s got a lot better since a weeks enforced phone ban but we’re still considering not going on any nice holidays until she’s either improved or left home as she just ruins it for everyone.

Not sure whether this makes me a bad mum but I’d completely ignore the scratches on the arm. Giving attention to that kind of thing would just perpetuate it.

DD nearly 11 does this. 3 things are going on with her. She's an introvert in the proper sense of the word, so she needs to shut herself away from people in the afternoon and rest, she's anxious about DS2 touching any of her things and she's going through puberty. I'm not making her go out for meals in the evening, that helps. Rescue remedy spray seems to help with the hormones. She's put a few things aside that DS2's not allowed to touch, which might help with the anxiety.

Any other tips, I'm watching this thread.

This is my 4 year old DD. I don't know what's up with her. I feel you pain.

Yes Scrumptious, my 4 year old behaves a bit like this. It probably isn't the right thing to say because obviously, I am sorry to hear that other dcs are having difficulties but it does make me feel less alone x

Have camhs said anything about the possibility of adhd?
Having 2/3 kids with it If I had seen the behaviour you described in public thats what I would assume.
It can sometimes present differently in girls and May also appear alongside anxiety and or depression. Think back how long she has been behaving in this way.
Most NT teens would be mortified if anyone saw them in an embarrassing situation and you mention your DD said she doesn't know why she's doing it...worth a chat with g.p/camhs.

Have you tried talking to her alone : ask her what's bothering her ? Tell her she can talk to you if she has a problem ?

This reminds me of my 7yo boy - he has always been like this Frankly I kind of look forward to his retreat into sullen teenagehood sometimes....

I think it'll pass, op - you're lucky in that this doesn't seem to be her default character.

Sounds very much like my 12 year old. Argumentative and loud. She does stuff to deliberately annoy me - like singing really loudly even when I ask her to stop. A lovely girl when she is in a normal mood! I do think my dd might have mild adhd.

Thanks for all your replies.

Not content that's exactly the type of thing my DD does...

With regard to ADHD, I have often wondered about that but I was told by CAMHS that she doesn't have it. I'm fairly sure her behaviour is mainly anxiety related and that she feels insecure hence pushing her boundaries all the time. I'm usually ok at reassuring her and trying to make her feel loved and safe. But when she does this loud, defiant attention seeking stuff persistently it drives me mad and I find it difficult to help her - or even want to help her if that makes sense.

Methe I've mentioned the cuts on her arm but I'm not making a fuss. Again, I don't know if that's right or wrong but I fear that attention will lead to her doing it again.

Ignore. Even the most histrionic of them falter when their audience walks away.

Exhausting isn't it! My dd is 12 and she has moments like you described too. How is she at school?

Oh goodness this sounds like me as a teenager

To be honest I was very unhappy, bullied at school and could only let my frustrations out with those who I could trust.