How to support teen dd with friendship issues

[SallySeeker]

Teen dd (14) is having friend issues. Just the usual crap involving exclusion and then plastering the photos of them all having a great time over SM. It's been going on all summer. Apart from resisting the urge to knock on their individual doors and speak to the parents (some of whom I thought were friends) , which obviously I won't do. How do you deal with this? Do I just tell her to ignore it and look for new friend (not easy at 14)? Do I point out they probably aren't such great friends after all (she wouldn't appreciate it), I currently keep an eye on her SM accounts which means I see their posts, should I tell her to come off SM? Is that more likely to exclude her? How the hell do you keep a healthy distance from all this she you see the hurt this is causing? When does this nonsense stop?

I'm 23 - and for the first time in my life I have a close friendship group of girls with zero bitchiness. Unfortunately, your post describes my entire life from the age of about 12-19. Teenage girls are awful and groups of girls at the age always seem to have one member who gets the shit. That friend was always me and nothing my mum said or did could of made it better. It's a battle you've got to overcome in your own head. I tried very hard to fit in, cared a lot what people thought and got upset and reacted when they picked on me so I essentially made myself the easy target. When I realised my worth, and developed more confidence in myself those fake friendships fell away (mainly because I cut off contact) and new friendships formed. It's part of growing up unfortunately, a horrible part, but it teaches valuable lessons.

Thank you maddiie. Can I ask a few things because at 45 my memories of this are vague and we had the advantage of no SM. Firstly, dd is at a girls school. Do you think a mixed school is better? I am seriously considering moving her despite her passing exams to get into her current school. Dd seems to take friendship very seriously. She is fiercely loyal and expects the same in return and gets very upset when her expectation isn't met. I get it as I'm a bit the same (I fear she's learnt some crap social skills from me). Do you think having lower expectations would help? Although I'm not sure how I would teach that.

I keep an eye on hee SM so have seen some of the Instagram photos but she doesn't mention them even when I know she's seen them and I can tell she's upset. I have to fight the urge to ask her about it as I feel she should let her feelings out but do you think its better I let her talk about it?

Lastly, if your parents are anything like me, I just wanted you to know it makes us parents feel awful. If I could take this pain for her I would. I can't believe the cruelty displayed by kids I have known since they were 4.

It's horrid for her and heartbreaking for you. Sorry op. My dd (14) goes through the same - at a mixed school. What I tell her is:

1. They've been thoughtless/bitchy/unkind. Kids make mistakes. It's crap for you.
2. It won't always be this way. It's horrible right now though.
3. You are a fab human being. They just haven't seen it yet.
4. So they want to have a sheep group. You aren't a sheep. You'll find others like you.
5. Sometimes it takes time to find your tribe.

I'm not saying any of this helps in the short term. But it sinks in at some level and helps later. I do think that keeping a strong relationship with you us the best way of supporting her to be resilient over time.

I went to a mixed school and still had negative experiences with girls, but my sister (also in my mixed school just 3 years above) had an easy time in school. After leaving school people have said that I was in a particularly nasty year group so perhaps if you moved her into another school and she got lucky with who else was in her year it would make a difference, but it is luck of the draw.

I was the same, very loyal and got very upset when they went against me and looking back definitely believe my reactions made them gang up on me more. Occasionally the group of girls I was in would try and turn against one of the stronger girls in the group and it would never be as bitter or as dragged out as when they did it to me, because I'd cry and argue back and be the one walking around school on my own visibly upset, going home pretending to be ill, staying off school lying to my mum I was sick etc.. those who just stood up for themselves were a lot more respected and it is so hard to do that at a young age. As I grew up and out of my social anxiety and wasn't scared to stand up for myself those problems ceased to exist, obviously they lessen leaving school but I do know girls my age who still have issues.

I find in school it's always large group of girls as well, and there lies a problem in itself as not everyone will like everyone, there will be certain people who don't like certain people, and when those certain people are stronger characters who take a dislike to perhaps more anxious, socially awkward members of the group it's easier for them to be excluded when that person is the one making the plans, running the show etc. It's better to do have two of three close friends, then ten fake ones and it took me a long time to learn that but I'm far happier for it.

I feel like I'm not really giving much advice here but I just know from my experience nothing my mum could of done would of helped. It was me who had to make the changes and realise what I deserved in order for problems to stop. It didn't mean those problems disappeared I'd just stop caring about them and the people causing them.

Facebook, Instagram etc weren't really used by my age group in school - it was the MSN and bebo days and although you still had the bitchiness it was to a lesser degree, I wasn't allowed to use the computer for more than an hour a night, most of my friends were the same and no one really had phones that could use websites either. There's so many avenues for it these days and it's not limited as much due to phones so it's far harder to escape

However when I say nothing my mum said or did would of helped, my mum and me were never that close and I wouldn't of gone to her for advice on things like that. If you and her are close and you think she will listen - talking to her wouldn't have any negative impact and if you can help her build her confidence up in order to stand up for herself and not be the easy one to pick on then it may do a world of good.

Thank you to you both. That's really valuable advice. I have to say I've been quite shocked at the behaviour of the adults as well. They must have had some part in the decision to not invite Dd to the sleepover and certainly knew she would have seen it on SM. These people have been my 'friends' for years. I am really going to struggle seeing them. Its the helplessness I can't stand. Dd sounds a bit like you maddiie. She struggles in groups and is definitley not a leader, she's sensitive and shy but desperate to be accepted. She said she just can't find people who understand her. I just wish she could be a bit more relaxed and expect less so when they let her down she could shrug it off. It's must be a personality thing as her sister and brother are really good at all this. I'm rubbish though so I fear it's from me

Cross posts. Thank you OriginalSaltedPeanuts. I will get that book. I'm glad to hear your comment about girls schools as she had to work her backside off to pass the exam to get in.

My dd 12 has just been struggling with this. It definitely came from the leader, dd annoyed/upset her in some way and she was excluded by all out of school. The more quiet and withdrawn dd became or when she apologised the more she was ‘making things awkward’ and excluded. Seems other girls were ok 1:1 in school but not with leader about.
Luckily we got away from it all on holiday and she tried to keep things upbeat joining in with messaging. When we got back I encouraged her to ask just one person slightly out of the group to do something with her. She was really worried about it but she did eventually and thankfully she accepted. That helped break the spell of not going out.
It was important that dd made up with the leader though as she is the one that the others go along with. Just this week she’s started meeting up with her, I think as the others are away... but st least the spell has been broken, for now.
So is there a leader initiating this? Can your dd somehow get in with her again?
It irks though that this bullshit happens with so called friends. I’ve said to dd to remember how it feels and not to go along with this kind of behaviour towards others in future and also to look after other friendships too.

Hi Sally, I went through similar in my teens with a close friendship group made up of girls both inside and outside of school. I know my mum was aware and made some fumbling attempts to console me but I really think it would have helped if she'd spoken to me more about it and how it was making me feel.
On the bright side I came through it a reasonably confident and assertive woman and some of these women are still my closest friends today! From time to time they do reflect on their behaviours from that time and know they were complete bitches!

I really am grateful for your help. I have been on amazon and ordered a book. Its different to the recommended one but I thought the cover would appeal to dd more. I'm going to read it with her and work on building her self esteem up. Luckily we are very close. I've booked her in for a posh hairdressers appointment before she goes back to school and will take her for lunch. I'm thinking of lots of 1 to 1 time (she spends alot of time alone in her room which I don't think helps) and some tips on not playing the victim. The ringleader is totally ignoring her calls so I've told dd to stop contacting her for now. I don't want her to look desperate. TBH, alot of this highlights my own inadequacies with friends (I have very few friends and generally speaking find people can be pretty awful) so I need to try and deal with that as well. I am sure I'm not helping. My other two seem to take after DH in his ability to expect little and you won't be disappointed. He just says people are odd and not to give too much. I think people like dd and I really struggle with that.

Oh to you and your dd, this is a horrible thing to go though, although as you can see from this thread it's actually much more common than I think we all realise.

In another one here to say that I went through this for a time in school and was desperately unhappy. I remember 13/14 being especially hard. But then by the end of my time at school I had made lots of friends and become the centre of a very nice group. I also found a very nice group at university. So it does get better!

All the advice you've been given so far is good. I'd also say what helped me was throwing myself into my life outside of school, especially things that got me out of the house and meeting other people. I did drama classes every weekend which really helped with my confidence, but a sport or youth club or volunteering would have the same effect. It gives you something to focus on and gives you a sense of self worth and confidence that mean girls cant take away. It also shows you that there is a whole world out there with lots of nice people in it & that not everyone thinks you're rubbish, just a select few nasty teenagers.

I remember my DM just being very understanding and keeping me busy when things were going on that I wasn't invited to - for example I remember that on my birthday the year when i didnt have many friends she planned ahead & bought us tickets to go to a show. That way it shifted the emphasis so that it wasn't that noone wanted to hang out with me, it was that I was too busy to see anyone in the first place. It might be a good idea for you to plan in some Friday night or Saturday activities (whenever these girls usually do things) ahead so that your dd is nice and busy. The trick is to make sure that it's planned far enough ahead that she doesn't feel like you're pitying her, rather that she has an exciting life with lots to do

I hope this helps, it will get better honestly!!

I have never had a circle of friends - at high school I had one friend then a different friend at secondary school. I lived in a village (about 4 miles away!). No public transport so had to go straight home after school on last bus of the day at 4pm and couldn't join in any of the after school activities that my classmates enjoyed such as shopping and then disco's at the local British legion.

As I got older, I learnt to fill my time with hobbies (and homework of course!) but by far the biggest lesson I learned through having so few friends was to not let being on my own stop me from doing anything. As I developed more friends (once I had children) I discovered that I had been on holidays and days out and done stuff that none of them would because they didn't dare do it by themselves.

My daughter, now 18, also fretted over the years about not having lots of friends but I hope that I have taught her to be strong in herself, so she doesn't need to rely on anyone to do what she wants and is confident enough to do it on her own. Shes doing pretty well tbh.

Please tell your daughter that not being part of this circle of 'friends' (and I use that word in the loosest possible terms!) does not make her a lesser human being - if she's smart, she can use the time without them to develop herself and meet new people who WILL understand her and that she has things in common with and she will end up the strong, self confident and independent one who will never miss out on something because she's too weak to go without a friend in tow.

Do you think a mixed school is better?

Afraid not.

I fear she's learnt some crap social skills from me

She hasn't. It's probably the other girls who need to mature.

I told DD to delete Snapchat and Instagram at the beginning of summer when she was experiencing the same shit as your DD. She texted a couple of friends individually and arranged meet ups on a one to one basis. Had a sleepover for a couple of friends. No photos!

She had a relaxing summer and we'll see what the new term brings next week.

We have a two text/message rule. If you get no response you do not contact them again. Works with adults too. There's a danger with teens that they get frustrated and keep messaging. I totally agree that it's much better that she's the busy one.

It really hurts as a mum though. There's a group of girls who all dance together competitively and my dd is the only one who gets left out Every Single Time. We've looked carefully at why it might be and dd might have a couple of things to be mindful of but nothing that deserves this treatment. Having outside activities can help that keep her active. It's really hard to make friends if you're used to being left out. My dd doesn't always have the resilience to try and be left out again. When she does and it pays off she's so happy. You are there for your dd and are understanding. That's what she needs most.

Thank you once again. I have loads of ideas here to work on. Dd seems to have had friendship issues since she was about 11. She very selective about friends, perhaps too much so this is something we could look at. It's just reassuring to hear she's not the only one at least. My nieces are the same age and my sister can't keep them in they are so busy.