I hate my Mum

[Dreamer88]

This has a large back story to it but ever since I was little my mother and I have clashed. I am in no doubt that she did her best and with the help of my Step Dad I believe that I had a good childhood. However, there has always been this underlying current of ‘horrible’ about my Mum. She lost her parents a few years ago, then my Stepfather and my brother lives on the other side of the world. Understandably she has had a tough time and feels very isolated. I’ve encouraged her to get a little job and eventually helped to find her one for a few hours a week. I go round and suggest activities once or twice a week to give her things to look forward to and make sure she is in contact with other women I know she likes to see and go out with. Yes I work a lot but I also have my own life in which she seems to resent. Shortly after we lost my stepdad, we took her away and she was horrendous and would go missing off the resort in a foreign country. My husband and I put it down to grief but over the last few years here are some of the things she has done:

• told me she wishes it was me dying instead of my stepdad.
• my brother cares for her properly (unsure how as he lives on the other side of the world).
• took her away as a Christmas present and she got so drunk and attacked me and I had to lie to passers by that I’m fine and My Mum is just having a tough time.
• I recently had an abortion (I don’t want to talk about the reasons why) but it was a joint decision between my husband and I. I felt like I needed to share this with my Mum and she was very understanding and made me comfortable about it. I told no one else. 3 weeks later I couldn’t make a day shopping with her because a work commitment arose. She said I’m a selfish cow for having an abortion and I deserve to die myself?!?!? Just because I couldn’t get to her.
• She often tells me that my brother hates me and it’s my own fault.
• She says that because I went to uni and have a good job that I think I’m better than everyone else.

That’s just a short list. She likes everything to revolve around her and I do admit that I have got angry at her and screamed back at her. Although today I went round and said would you like to go out for Christmas dinner this year? Her reply- why aren’t we going away? I calmly explained that it’s not fair that we would be on edge in case she pulled one of her stunts. Again this was met by anger and saying she was spending Xmas by herself?!? I tried to divert the conversation by saying anyway the film we were going to see is about to start so you best put your shoes on. She refused to leave the house and exclaimed that no one cares about her. For the first time I didn’t get angry. Just sat and listened until she calmed down and then we sat there in silence for 2 hours (she’s done that before). I feel like I don’t want to see her anymore but I still love her. My husband has never said a bad word against her but will be extra nice to her and try his best to avoid her. She even moans about him and how he should be doing all her jobs- hello you also have a son?!? Really what I want to know is what am I doing wrong? Am I really a terrible person for hating her? Am I doing this to myself? And lastly, how can I manage her behaviour?

Ps she won’t go to councilling. People that do that are attention seeking according to her. (Knowing that I went on previous occasions).

I know she is your mother but you need to cut her out. She is a toxic women who will never change and you don't deserve that BS

Your mum sounds really bad and a lot like a narcissist. You need to read up on this as you sound scapegoated and parentified. You are not responsible for a grown ass woman. You need to detach and spend some time away from her whilst doing some thinking about what type of relationship if any you want with her. You don't owe her anything. Please understand this.

Thanks for your replies. It’s probably what I need to hear. Just the guilt eats me alive when she says that there’s no point to living and she might as well be dead etc. I’ll look up the narcissistic thing. Think I’ll start by no contact for a few days and if she gets angry about this. Then I’ll walk away again. This sounds how I’d train a dog or children. Very annoyed at myself for allowing her to do it .

You need to be kind with yourself. You have been conditioned by a lifetime with her to feel responsible for her, hence why I said she parentified you. This is toxic behaviour. A child is never responsible for a parent, ever. Please look at adult daughters of narcissistic mothers and the stately homes thread here. Being raised by a narcissist is a horrific childhood and I am sure you must have a lot of horrible memories/wounds. Take this moment to start your healing. And be kind to yourself.

Thanks Immigrantsong. I’ll check that thread out.

You need to put boundaries in place. Just because someone (your mother) made the choice to have children, it doesn't mean she owns you and can treat you like rubbish.

When my own children grow up they owe me nothing for my choice to have them and raise them - I won't demand and expect that they do jobs for me or visit me. Having said that, it would be really lovely if they want to visit me because we get on well and enjoy each other's company.

My mum has no concept of boundaries and used to think she had a right to get angry at me if I didn't behave as she wanted. I had to start ignoring her comments and her emotional, demanding texts etc and reducing the time I saw her. I now see her once a week for a quick visit but I never discuss anything personal with her and things are easier now.

Your mum sounds horrible. No wonder you hate her. The problem is that most people have positive experiences of their mums and they really cannot imagine a childhood like yours. I know you say it was happy, but that sounds unlikely. Its not uncommon to respond to awful situations with denial and forgetting. Psychotherapy really helps. The Emotionally Absent Mother (book) by Jasmine Cori gives valuable insight.

Would you allow a stranger to attack you? Or scream abuse at you? I'd imagine the answer is no. Those that love us should treat us better than strangers would and if they can't then it's best to be strangers.

I totally agree with what everyone is saying. Believe me I’m an educated woman and after reading the information about her being a narcissist is starting to resonate. The problem is and I know it’s the problem is that she knows she can do anything to me and I wouldn’t leave her. I’ve been trained since I was a child to do anything to make my Mum happy. She’s my only family really apart from my husband. I’m going to work on getting stronger until she realises that I’ll too be out of her life if she continues. Thanks for everybodies input though because that’s what I needed- an outsiders view. Believe me I’m far from perfect but I don’t know if my own mental health and anxiety issues have stemmed from her.

Does your brother know what’s happening? Does he ever visit or phone?

She may have always been difficult but is this behaviour is out of character for her? Possibilities include dementia/ depression/ untreated uti/ alcohol abuse etc. If you think that this is a possibility then do talk to the doctor.

If it’s just her, well, it’s hard to walk away altogether and that choice comes with its own heavy price tag. But you don’t have to take abuse. Eg Christmas you have decided to offer to take her out. She doesn’t want to. So just make other plans and remind her that she refused your offer when she complains. If she is being horrible give her one warning then leave. Every time. You don’t need to be horrible back. Just say she doesn’t seem to be in the mood for visitors so you’ll see her next week or whatever.

Sorry that you are going through this though. It’s really tough.

Hi OP, glad you started reading up about maternal narcissism. It sounds like you are still in the F.O.G (fear, obligated, guilt). You are absolutely right; you have been trained to please her. She uses you as a scapegoat and your brother is likely the golden child. Please continue reading up and reach out to support groups. You will start to become less co dependent. At the moment, you don't know who you are, you are who she wants you to be and you oblige so you can feel and get her love. But she doesn't love you. She can't. She doesn't even love herself really. Please continue on your road to self awareness and you will come out stronger than ever before. I am here if you want to ask anything and you can always pm me.