Feeling very flat..

[Treesplease2]

I'll just start by saying I am extremely sleep deprived so this could be affecting my mood!
As the title says I feel really flat lately, maybe the summer has dragged a little etc. I am a mum to 3 really wonderful dcs , they are my world and I love them to pieces.
It's just really full-on looking after them on a day to day basis and if I am honest quite mundane. I constantly have to take them out as we live in a small cottage (fab when we were a couple but quite a squeeze now) , moving is not an option as we love our town. We really can't be inside all day and I do love going out but at the same time feels like I am trying to kill time a lot until nap/bed etc.
When I am not out with them then I am trying to cook/clean/answering emails while dealing with tantrums/fighting, the usual with young kids. I do work in a job I love , it's a freelance job and I work for myself but I very much work round the dcs. It's what I studied for in university so I know I am lucky. However I can't increase my hours just yet due to several reasons so full-time is not an option for a couple of years.
I think this feeling was really set off as we had a friend's daughter stay with us recently as she is travelling, she is 18 and the World is her oyster which it should be and I am honestly very happy for her. It just made me feel a bit like everything has gone by so quickly (I have recently turned 35 so this could be a factor too). I also felt sort of invisible, I am not at all talking about appearance, I am happy with how I look , I am fitter than when I was younger. I just find more and more people don't ask anything about me. I do listen well and ask questions but just feel a bit fed up I guess, like I am not worth even asking about.
This is such a ramble I know but I think when I herd this girl talk so excitedly and enthusiastically about everything while in my head I am just hoping I get more than 4 hours of sleep this evening or what I can do to keep the dcs occupied the next day I just feel so restricted and boring...
I know I am very lucky as I am in a very happy marriage and I am so fortunate to have children.
Has anyone else had this feeling or can relate?

Shameless bump

OP, what you feel is completely normal.

This summer seems to have lasted forever and I think we’re all in a state of limbo.

Do you have any hobbies or anything booked to look forward to? You sound like an amazing mum who is so dedicated to her children that you’ve forgotten yourself in your every day life.

I hear you when you say not much of your daily routine can change but when school starts again, can you dedicate an hour or so a week to doing something you enjoy? Can you take up some freelance work in a different sector that interests you or could you just drop everything and spend an hour doing whatever you want?

I’ve found when I feel a bit meh, a change up in my routine always works for the best.

If you’re struggling with space is a move/extension an option? Even a holiday if that’s what you crave. How old are the kids? Are they an age where you could take a family holiday or be left and you and DH take a break just the two of you?

You sound as though you’re stuck in a rut and you just need to break out.

Thank you so much for your reply, love your username!
Good advice on changing routine a bit. An extension is very much in planning and will have hopefully begun in 2020. I go running pretty regularly so I do try to carve out a bit of time, I think with the sleep deprivation I am just completely burnt out at the end of the day and I just crash or tidy up the mayhem.
I have a lot of family and friends but I get absolutely zero practical or emotional support from then so I find child-rearing pretty isolating tbh. My kids are 5, 3 and 15mnths so pretty young. The older two will be in school and preschool soon. I'll have my 15 month old with me for the next year full-time.
I guess what also made me feel a bit down is I have had quite a few what I call "spectator" visitors over the summer , basically my family and a lot of my friends who don't have kids yet and who just watch me from the couch as I manage the kids. I hate this as it makes me feel completely self conscious and even more alone. A lot of comments along the lines of "wow, how do you do this ", "do they really get up at 6am, wow", "so intense" etc.
Just really unhelpful and makes me feel like my life is a bit shit or that it's a crap existence.... I know that sounds dramatic but it's how I felt. Sorry I am usually really resilient and positive but I am worn down by things a bit. I feel I am surrounded people who have lovely mum's and dads with them in the park etc.

When I felt similarly (I reckon most parents feel like this sometimes or often!), when my children were little, I planned with my dh days when I could go and be free, on my own, in London (we live near-ish).

I'd go in on a Saturday on the train at around 8/9 and get back to kiss them goodnight. Do a museum, gallery, walk lots. I took a book and just enjoyed the freedom to do as I pleased! Time alone was such a rare treat and freedom.

It was a real boost, my dh totally understood, and I probably went every few months.

Could be something like that, alone or with friends, would work, would lift your spirits?

Hi Trees. I could have written your post. I have been watching others on facebook having a fab Summer (with lots of travel etc.) and quietly bubbling with envy...just because they can and I feel stuck because my younger two dcs are so young. The sleep deprivation will not be helping - I have a nearly 6 month old and I haven't had a single nights solid sleep since they were born but if I have a 'better' night then I feel it really makes a difference.
I have hardly any family and my friends have older children. I think you've hit the nail on the head with 'spectator visitors' and I think this is one reason I would rather not have friends around at times. I am an older mum and all of my friends have older children (8 years plus) so even though they have been where I am now (with 3 dc's - eldest at secondary school and my middle dc is due to start school in September), I still feel slightly envious because they are able to do way more things than I currently can do or they can do it in a far more relaxed way - holidays/day trips etc. In fact there is only one friend who really tolerates going out anywhere with me because I guess, my dc's are younger (and more difficult). Life gets so much easier imo, when they get older and more independent. You have 3 dcs 5 and under and this, I should imagine is pretty intense, especially with the 3 year old and 15 month old into everything I should imagine. The Summer Holidays have been okay for me but not what I would call enjoyable and tbh, it will be a relief when school starts again. I have struggled to get any head space since the holidays began (I have a hobby I very much enjoy and it makes a difference when I can participate in it - a lot easier with just baby). My middle dc has no fear and doesn't readily follow instructions so I haven't ventured very far this Summer Holidays without my dh; the park tbh, has saved my sanity at times (usually because I have bumped into someone to have a quick natter to whilst entertaining the kids) but would I choose to spend my time standing in the park - no I don't think so and I think of my friends/acquaintances who are definitely not doing this now and yes, I think because I have gone back again and had my children later in life in comparison to my peers and as I said, life has got easier for them (but with other challenges) and knowing no other mothers very well with young children, this has made me feel alone too. We have no grandparents, in fact very little family, it's a shame that yours don't participate more, but mine never did either, even when they were around. It is difficult to get out of a rut when you have little family support, my only advice would be to make sure you grab time for yourself (probably with your dh's support) to do the one or two things that you most enjoy. I think it is only natural to feel the way you do (I know the toddler days will be fast approaching for me and I am dreading this, cute though it is, it is really intense and it felt a relief when my middle dc started pre-school just because I was sharing the childcare burden and getting a bit of time back for me). Hold on in there, it is probably no consolation but it will get easier for you and for me - life situation wise, I think we are in a difficult place right now.

Surely people should be a bit more understanding and offer you help instead of just making stupid comments!! In five years time you’ll have a 6,8 and 10 yr old and be in a much easier place. It’s just really hard and relentless when they’re little (currently hiding from my three yr old who is with his dad but won’t give me a minutes peace).

You seem to already get a bit of time for yourself which is good. I think the holidays have just taken it out of most parents. I haven’t had time to do anything all summer and am looking forward to them getting back to school so I have time to think and do things for myself.
Could you afford to put the one yr old in nursery for a couple of half days a week?

Wow, sorry for the epic post...obviously had a lot to say on the matter!

Thank you all so much for your comments. Really helps to know I am not alone. Some great suggestions too, will definitely try more days out alone, really like your idea gerbo.
Lavenderdays, I relate to what you are saying a lot, being out and about is much easier with my dcs than at home and I love seeing them enjoy themselves but tbh I don't always feel like standing around in the park following my toddler around especially when I am exhausted.
Our dcs were very much wanted and we adore them so I shouldn't complain but I guess I underestimated how much attention kids need all the time, well especially when they are young.

I seem to be in this weird zone of not being at the same life stage as any of my friends, despite being in their mid 30's, non of them have children yet (I have made loads of effort to meet with them without kids too) and they don't relate at all or I have a few neighbours with one baby who are very much in the pfb stage.
I know it will get easier but I guess I don't like the fact that I feel I am trying to just get through everyday but that is my reality. I do enjoy the many precious moments but a lot of it is pretty challenging and monotonous. I think there is a pressure to enjoy it all but how can somebody when they are chronically sleep deprived etc. It's probably a society thing now where some mums are left on their own day in and out. I don't expect babysitting and certainly don't get any offers ever but I think it would be hard to find people more hands-off than my family and friends.
I think the girl that stayed with us just made me feel very self conscious as she looked so baffled by me trying to manage my kids as she was trying to tell me about her plans for travelling and was visibly put out by my 15 month old interrupting. It was a two week stay......

You're definitely not alone! I love having kids (am an early years teacher so it's my job!) but it's overwhelming and exhausting for everyone. People I knew who seemed so smiley and perfectly happy and in control in the preschool queue later told me they'd suffered pnd, or been a bit miserable, or fed up. (My children are quite a bit older now)

Sending best wishes....keep your chin up and don't be disheartened by the teen's visit!

I sometimes look back wistfully at my student days when I was less weighed down by responsibilities and chances are the 18 year olds life situation will change in the future too - she is at a different stage in her life to you. Interestingly enough, I feel excited when I talk to young adults because I think it makes me realise how happy I was and how much fun they have to look forward to although there were some difficult times too. I did a bit of travelling pre children and travelled a bit when I had dd1 though nothing far flung...I don't really have a travel bug which I suppose helps. Like you, I really love my children and they are precious (I have suffered a late loss and struggled with secondary infertility too) so I don't take having children for granted but when you are more or less on your own with them and you want other things too (for me I'd love more adult interaction and crave mental stimulation which my hobby provides - I am a full-time sahm having worked in the past) then it can be difficult. Basically, there isn't a balance...there isn't anyone else you can drop them off with etc, I have literally no one except dh who works full-time (and I know I am lucky to have dh), it just becomes exhausting because you cant find the space to re-energise. Unfortunately, I don't have any good friendships with mothers who have young children either (I had a late loss when dd2 was just a baby and I became very withdrawn, so made zero friends and I have not yet managed to meet many mums with babies yet either, so don't really have anyone to bounce things off of). My children seem to enjoy talking to me which is lovely and I like to give them my attention but today they were in competing mode, talking over each other, then the baby - obviously needs complete care, whereby I don't seem to have had a moment to myself (except coming on here to let off a bit of steam). It is probably a controversial thing to say, but in my situation I look on pre-school/school as a form of childcare/respite in the early years, it shouldn't feel this way I don't suppose but my middle dc in particular has displayed some quite challenging behaviour over the past few years and without pre-school, I think I would have become quite low. I get what you say about monotony...we even seem to have the same meals on the same day of each week because it is easier that way (and definitely easier when you are sleep deprived), one of the things I enjoyed about my recent (short) holiday was that someone else did the cooking and wasn't grocery shopping every 5 minutes!

I am feeling exactly the same way tonight, so glad I stumbled on this thread so I don’t feel so lonely but sorry there are so many of us!

Sorry for your loss lavenderdays , that is very tough going.
You're right, I think there is such a difference between those who have family support and those who don't. My dcs haven't been minded even for a minute by any of my family which seems very out of the norm. I guess all this is highthened during the holidays where I meet grandparents in the park with little kids all the time and I get that pang of sadness.
I was lucky too as I travelled
pre kids and we have already travelled to a few different countries with them also.
I was very happy for this girl and wish her many,great adventures but I guess I was also struck by how I didn't have the energy to get enthusiastic because it's all zapped at the moment.
I know that my friends will all be in the same place as me now one day and I don't mean that I want them to feel exhausted etc more that they will relate maybe a bit more to what we are experiencing at the moment.
Here's to a good night's sleep

I feel the same about school and pre-school, I think it's healthy for everyone to get that space from eachother!

I understand what you mean about the grandparents thing. We have a lovely older couple living next door to us who seem to bend over backwards for their grandchildren (and adult children). I would love to adopt them for my dc (they do make a fuss of my dc) but they are always so busy with their own family and have interesting hobbies too...they are just 'normal', lovely people (unlike my dysfunctional extended family). Again, it is one of those 'that's no fair' things in life but there is nothing that can be done about it.

Just bumped into a woman who is just a bit older than me (mid 40's) one grown up son and one secondary school age. She has just come back from a 3 week holiday abroad and is due to go off for another 2 weeks (her dh will look after son). We are almost living poll opposite lives (she is a bit unusual in that she has been able to retire comfortably at this early age and is living life to the full). I do get a twinge of envy sometimes, especially on days like this where I have had hardly any sleep (baby has a cold) and middle dc is tired also (equals horrible behaviour). But as my dh reminds me this woman would have liked to have had one more dc given the choice but couldn't. I guess the grass can always look greener but more especially so if we feel dissatisfied somehow with our own lives or just bogged down with everyday life like we currently are so I try to look forward to little things even if my weekly outing seems to be a visit to the local supermarket = I am definitely in what seems like an unavoidable rut!