What should I do about this friendship? So sad :(

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I've been friends with this person, let's call her Friend 1, for 15 years. Up until the past year or so I would've called Friend 1 my best friend - she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, we've travelled together and would message each other every day. I noticed that Friend 1 has become increasingly close to Friend 2, who I'm also close friends with, but I didn't really think much of it because obviously it's not as if I mind if she has other friends. We would often do things with all three of us but more and more Friend 1 and Friend 2 would do things without me. Again fine, but Friend 1 started to drop off contact with me e.g be very slow to respond to messages and constantly be hanging out with Friend 2.

About a year ago I moved abroad and while Friend 1 initially was really good about keeping in touch, she's now become very hot and cold. Sometimes I get a bunch of messages and sometimes days and days will pass without any response to a message. We're on several WhatsApp groups together which she's constantly sending messages on so I know that it's not that she's really busy. Also, she was previously in contact with me so often (a few messages a day) that it's very noticeable when it drops off.

At first I tried to keep initiating but after repeated delays in replying I said to her that she doesn't need to feel obliged to keep in touch and that I wouldn't want it to become a chore. She replied saying that of course it wasn't, that she really values my friendship etc. and for a while she'd initiate more, but again contact has become really on and off. It feels very much like she's phasing me out and has almost 'replaced' me with Friend 2.

So what do I do now? Do I just not bother anymore? It's hard because we were such close friends, like sisters really, and now I feel that she's just lost interest and forgotten about me.

Sadly friendships do evolve and change. It sounds like she’s slowly cutting contact with you. Long term close friendships are the hardest to let go but it sounds tough when you know she’s blowing hot and cold. I’d probably respond if she replied but no more. You can’t force the issue. Do you live near each other?

You've been Wendied.

Is Friend 2 still in touch?

Doesn't sound like there is much you can do sadly

Nothing awful has happened here, you're drifting apart and at the moment she has more in common with friend 2. I think it's better to maintain cheerful but slightly less regular contact and stop pressuring her. Make some new friends, stop clinging to her and you may find your friendship picks up again. If not, you will have other friends and other things going on in your life. Sorry to be harsh but the worst thing you can do is turn this into a drama, you'll push her away all together. Believe me, I've done that and I really regret it now!!

I have recently been spectacularly dumped by my best friend of ten years and it hurts like hell. Completely different scenario as I’ve been massively slagged off, but our last correspondence was her saying we were still friends etc. I’ve left the ball in her court to get in touch and she hasn’t. If she does now, I will not be interested, as much as I want it to go back how it was.

I am gutted, but am now going with the mindset that people that treat you badly do not deserve to be in your life.

Yes you’ve moved abroad but you’ve asked her outright and it seems as though she has lied. I am now if the opinion that I thought more of my friend than she did of me and now see that I am not a priority for her.

There was a “wendied” thread on here at the weekend and reading it helped me so much.

Find people in your life that have your back. If they aren’t the people that will stick up for you and be there for you then move on. You are not responsible for other people’s behaviour and sometimes they behave in unexpected ways and you have to decide if that is ok with you.

Sadly, some friends are only there when it is convenient. You’ve moved away so it’s no longer an easy friendship for her. And sadly that may be all she was interested in.

Take stock and think about what you can take from this. Thinking of you as it’s utterly shit!!

@Originalsaltedpeanuts I don't need constant messaging, but it was the pattern we'd had for years so it's pretty obvious when one person starts to pull back. It wasn't always huge exchanges, sometimes just a hello which would take 30 seconds. Of course if one of us were busy we might take a while to respond but this has been going on for some time now.

@KateGrey thanks, I wouldn't have minded so much if our friendship had just drifted off of its own accord but it seemed to coincide very much with her becoming really close to Friend 2 and phasing me out as if I'm no longer needed. I still live abroad so I can't have a face to face conversation with her, but this started a while before I moved.

@mumsiedarlingrevolta Ironically Friend 2 is actually more reliably in touch and that's how I know her and Friend 1 are always hanging out, which Friend 1 seems to conveniently not mention whenever I ask what she's been up to.

@JacNaylor I'm trying to do just that, to give it some space and not to say anything but it's hard to just pretend as if I don't care if I hear from her or not. The thing is, if she messages me and I don't respond that quickly she'll follow up and ask if I'm ok, why aren't I responding etc. It's these mixed messages which are really messing with my head :(

I have had the exact same and it really hurts. I try and take the higher ground in terms of sending a happy birthday message etc, but her silence and lack of the same, or congratulations on our wedding speaks volumes.

I’m coming to terms slowly with the fact I’ve lost a best friend of 10 years. It is still taking time and I go through phases where I really want to speak to her. I’m concentrating on just being happy, making new friends, keeping busy and also avoiding social media/WhatsApp as much as possible.

@justasyouare it's pretty shit, isn't it? In a way I would've preferred a confrontation but this just feels like a slow and painful death of a really wonderful friendship. I wish she'd just said to me that yes, it is becoming a bit of a chore and then I would've at least known.

I feel your pain, I really do I honestly feel this is as bad as a break up!

You've moved abroad - obviously that is going to affect your friendships, particularly with people you used to see often. Is the move permanent or just a short, fixed-term thing? And is it far? Are you making new friends where you are now living?

I have moved around a lot in my life, and some friends I have stayed in touch with, some I have not - it is easier now with email and social media, but for many people, friends are still people they see regularly and hang out with, rather than just chat with on a screen or see once every year or two. If you end up moving back to where you started, you may be able to pick up where you left off, but life may have moved on and you no longer have as much in common as you once did.

I think you have to accept with moving abroad that things won't be the same. You can't expect the same level of friendship if you are in another country compared to someone down the road you see weekly.

@exexpat it's not a long-term move and she's moved away herself before and used to be sad that people were bad at keeping in touch!
I do get that our friendship wouldn't be exactly the same, I can handle that. But this started before I left - leaving just seemed to make it worse. I didn't think out of sight, out of mind would apply to such a longstanding friendship

do you think she's a bit jealous that you've had the opportunity to move abroad?

@pusspuss9 no, I doubt it's anything to do with that as she's very happy where she is. I think the moving overseas thing is a bit of an excuse really as she started doing this before I moved.