Not CF as such, but just weird...

[imdunkelnistgutmunkeln]

A few days ago, DH got a message from an old friend (not a close friend, we last saw her about a year ago), these are the messages (anonymised some details).

Friend: Hi (OP's DH). Do you fancy coming to see (obscure 80s band) on 31st August? The gig is at 7:30 PM at Y venue, and the tickets are on me.

DH: Hi, actually we are meeting Fred that evening in X pub, and to be honest I'm not a big fan of (80s band) anyway. The pub is quite close to Y venue so maybe you could pop in for a drink with us before or after the gig?

Friend (1 day later): OK I have confirmed the tickets for the gig, i've bought two tickets, it's on me. Shall I meet you at the venue?

DH: hi, no, we cannot make the gig. As I said, DW and I am meeting Fred in the X pub that evening, I think there has been a misunderstanding.

Friend: oh no, I won't be going then, waste of money.

DH: didn't you see that I said we are meeting Fred that night?

Friend: yes I did, but the gig is only one hour

friend: oh well, I might come to the pub and pop out to the gig for a hour.

When DH told me about this, I thought it must've been just a misunderstanding but I've now read the messages a few times and I'm completely baffled - there is no ambiguity in DH's message, I just cannot understand why she went ahead and booked tickets! So weird!

Anyone else experienced any similarly strange behaviour?

Do you think she was a bit pissed?

I think she bought the tickets before asking him.

Isn’t it a bit odd not to ask you both? Or is she just his friend?

Don't really know why you're making a big deal and asking for advice tbh? She said it was her mistake and she'd go to the pub then pop out, what's the dramav

Could've been I guess.

DH has just reminded me that she did something similar a few years ago, I'd forgotten all about it. Messaged us out of the blue In mid December asking what we were doing on New Year's Eve. Hadn't heard from her in a couple of years, so I assume that she was suddenly at a loose end for NYE. Neither of us particularly enjoy going out partying on NYE, and DH messaged back saying sorry but the two of us were having a nice meal at home but we could meet up some time early January. She messaged back 'Great! What time shall I come round on NYE?Can we go out to the local pub after dinner?' Again, DH had to tell her that she'd 'misunderstood'.

Maybe she is incredibly thick-skinned and has in her head what she wants to happen and just ignores what you say to her?

Could she need glasses?

Re the number of tickets, the initial message was vague, didn't say whether just DH O both of us were invited, but the I've booked tickets message said that she'd bought 2 tickets.

Yes, she is DHSs friend, from about 30 years against. Never a close friend, more one of a crowd of friends from years ago. I've been with DH 14 years and we've seen her three times in that time, once when we happened to bump into her at the airport.

She is after your dh and is pushing her luck!!

I think she likes your dh and she thought if she said that she already bought the tickets that your dh would feel bad and go to the gig with her.

Who's the obscure band?

I'm not making a big deal, and not asking for advice. I simply thought it was really weird behaviour, DH and I have been laughing about it. I posted to see if others had any equally bewildering stories (I'm off work and MNing in my PJs, and a bit bored!)

The weirdness is that she acknowledged that she'd seen DH's message saying we are busy, but went ahead and booked anyway. Maybe she thought he'd say 'oh well now you've booked the tickets I'd better come along'.

Sounds Like she gets idea about doing something and can't understand why your DH wouldn't want to do it and the completely ignores any answer that doesn't fit with her ideal.

I don't think she's 'after' DH, they've known each other for many years and there's never been a hint of that. And DH would definitely not be interested in her even if we weren't very happily married.

Don't want to be accused of drip feeding, but when I met her first, about 10 years ago, she told me that most of her friends were men as she gets on better with men than women, but I 'shouldn't get jealous'! When we met her again at an event last year, I made a point of being very chatty and friendly to her, and we got on fine, well I though so anyway.

It does rather sound like she’s trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants out of politeness.

I bet it works on other people.

MN is full of threads where posters end up doing stuff against their will because they think it would be rude to object to the other person’s bad behaviour.

Clearly you and DH have good boundaries, I’d keep asserting them.

Or perhaps just replying with an unequivocal “No” next time

I think you're probably right, Clutter. Luckily DH is pretty straightforward and doesn't have any problem being assertive and saying 'no, you've misunderstood, that's no happening'.

“Shouldn’t get jealous” well she’s a little stirrer isn’t she?

I’d just dismiss her as ridiculous.

Nona, yes I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I used to have much wobblier boundaries when I was younger and definitely used to end up agreeing to things out of politeness. But I'm in my 50s now and not half so worried about possibly upsetting someone or looking rude if I turn down something I dont want to do. Might be an age thing, or might be DH's influence as he has no problem with his boundaries/saying no if necessary (he's German (as is friend in question) so not so caught up in the British 'not wanting to look impolite' bullshit).

I think your DH should have send this (based on the other incidents where this person is involved) as his initial reply -

Friend: Hi (OP's DH). Do you fancy coming to see (obscure 80s band) on 31st August? The gig is at 7:30 PM at Y venue, and the tickets are on me.

DH: Hi, actually I'm not interested in going to see (obscure 80's band) so please don't include me in your plans for that night. However, we are meeting Fred that evening in X pub, and the pub is quite close to Y venue so maybe you could pop in for a drink with us before or after the gig if you would like?

That would cut her off at the pass and allow no confusion to take place. She may not be quick on the uptake but she was only trying to go see a band with a friend.

I can actually see how she might have misunderstood (incorrectly) the messages - you didn't actually say no and if you take the approach that she assumed you want to go then she could have read it as "we are going to the pub to meet x which is really close so yes we can " obviously it would have to be read quickly as I do agree to most people it sounds like a no.

Is it possible that she has some mental health problems? When my depression was at its worth, I know that I said bizarre things and that I misunderstood things that were being said to me.

Was just talking about it with DH. He agrees that it looks like she was hoping that when she said she'd actually bought the tickets he would feel bad and say he would go after all (though still weird that she didn't ask how many tickets we would need). She then said she'd wasted her money and wouldn't go, but when DH didn't reply to this, her next message said she would maybe meet us in the pub and pop out to the gig. I do think she's was trying to guilt him into saying yes with those last messages.

And DH agrees that he didn't actually state 'no, I don't want to go' but thought he had made himself clear, and has said he will be very explicit in saying no if it happens again!

I hate this kind of 'drama', so won't mention anything about it at the pub if she is turns up!

Not sure about any MH issues, we don't know her that well to have any how kind of conversations.

I suspect friend might quite like drama...

I think you are quite right Imdunk just brush over it lightly if it comes up in the pub.

And brace your boundaries for the next assault while smiling casually!