I’m 21 and everyone I know does drugs. Help

[PinkMug32]

I’m at uni, about to go into my third year. I do drink when at uni and am aware that drinking can be incredibly harmful. I’ve never smoked or taken any illegal drugs and I am the only person I know in this position. I feel isolated and alone, which is stupid because I don’t want to be involved in anything to do with taking drugs. My friends from home have all tried them/take them regularly, everybody at uni that I have lived with, am friends with on my course and outside of my course has also tried them or takes them regularly. I am not an introvert, I have many friends in wide circles and am on a popular, highly regarded course at a Russell Group University. I say this to emphasis that I’m not just ‘friends with the wrong crowd’ and that it’s ‘just a minority’ because it really and truly isn’t. I have been in popular groups at school who were considered the ‘cool’ ones, I have been in less popular groups of friends who were regarded as ‘nerds’ (I hate that word but we were called this by our peers due to being the very high achieving group in our sixth form), I have mixed with all manners of people at University and throughout my 21 years of life. I’m outgoing and enjoy socialising but find myself becoming withdrawn and quiet as a result of every single person of my age I know being a regular user of illegal drugs or having tried them. I just can’t risk taking them (terrified of how my body may react) and would never take them to fit in, but now just feel so alone and down that I wanted to post on a forum that I’ve found full of wiser people than myself to ask for any advice.

Please just tell me it gets easier, or any coping strategies I can try? It’s difficult, as it’s not as if there’s open groups at university advertising as ‘we don’t do drugs’ etc... it seems so normalised in my world that I am such an anomaly. sorry for the rambling post...

Realistically you’re at peak drugs (in my experience) and it will drop off as people get jobs etc.

However, you may wish to look elsewhere too. I would have done in your position as I loathed the ‘lost’ flavour of evenings where people were partaking. I found that people who enjoyed sports (I danced) tend to be much less interested due to either drug testing regimes or because they’re busy doing said sport. We drank, far too much, but nothing illegal and not that regularly.

I am about your age. I trued weed once (in Amsterdam where it is legal). But since life happened I don't even drink anymore. I just don't have the time. I socialise with people my age and then a lot of people in the 30s/40s (with children the same age as mine). Honestly the drug use drops off a lot after university and then even more once people gave children. It's not normal for full on 'grown ups' with kids and high flying careers to regularly use drugs. You do still get self medicaters who claim to need coke or weed but they are in the minority and generally don't talk about it. You are doing well not to bow to peer pressure. Not being a drug user is the kind of thing that older people look for in their friends and partners. It really is something that people grow out of.

You have my sympathy. My dd is 18 and this resonated with me:

" I’ve never smoked or taken any illegal drugs and I am the only person I know in this position. I feel isolated and alone, which is stupid because I don’t want to be involved in anything to do with taking drugs."

She also feels isolated and in fact doesn't see many friends at all out of school. She does a lot of sport and I agree with the above poster that might be where you will find allies. Although drinking is rife!!

Can I just say there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert!

My dd is not an introvert - she's very sociable funny and energetic. But she stopped going to the pub with her mates when they all started taking Xanax just to go for a drink. It totally sucks.

MrsZB I know there’s nothing wrong with introverts don’t get me wrong, I wish my personality was more introverted and I enjoyed my own company more! As it is, I am very extroverted but find myself withdrawing from all social situations and losing friends as I don’t want to join in or sit there watching them take drugs.

lose the saddos. no loss. find a hobby group where people actually have interests and lives.

To me there is a big difference between regular users and people who have tried some drugs through their life. I don't understand why you would feel you can't relate to the second group.

Through my teens and uni days I was very anti drugs (for myself) and fairly vocal about it. So after a while people knew to stop asking if I wanted any and also knew that I wasn't going to be the person to help them out if it went wrong (in a dumb way, obviously I would help someone in danger). It didn't impact the friendships or experiences I had.

I suppose what I am saying, is I don't understand what specifically you are struggling with.

As people get jobs they tend to be less vocal about the drugs they take as they have a professional image to keep up so you might find that feels easier.

I always felt like this with smoking in the late 90s when I was a teenager and pretty much everyone everyone except me was a social smoker. I was really put off it as a child when a family member died in his 30s from lung cancer. My friends knew this was why I didn’t smoke and respected this choice - but I appreciate it’s not always easy. It depends on your friends. Another friend of mine didn’t drink and she used to tell people she was allergic to alcohol and they were fine with that.
I know plenty of University students who don’t take drugs, so you are v unlucky to only know drug takers. I promise there will be fellow students who don’t - you just haven’t found them yet...

That must be horrible! I'm wondering if there is a difference depending what people are studying - I have a DC at a notoriously 'druggy' Russel gp uni but they are studying a STEM subject and I genuinely don't think it's an issue among their group - drinking, yes they do but not ludicrous amounts, and plenty of clubbing/gigs etc. Maybe they have just been lucky however.

Do second the suggestion above on maybe trying to meet up with some sportier/more outdoorsy types - I know really hard-core atheletes can be as boring as druggies are, but again my DC does a 'fun' sport at a recreational rather than competitive level, and gets thier kicks that way, IYSWIM.

I found this when I moved to London and started work. Everyone took drugs - openly - but I didn’t/don’t. I felt the same, especially on nights out when they’d disappear to the toilets together for ages. For me, drugs is a big no. It got easier and I did find life long friends and DH who feel the same as me.

Oddly, now in our 40’s many of our friends have started dabbling with drugs. Even with young families which I find odd as they never tried it in their 20’s. Nights out aren’t the same with them any more sadly.

I'm 22 and just finished uni last year. I do think it's possible you're friends with the wrong people. In first year I got to know a heavy drug using crowd so distanced myself from then as I didn't like it. I made friends on my course and in second year with a load of guys who did engineering, none of whom were drug takers but still liked to have a good time.
There are people out there who don't take drugs you just have to find them.

WingsofNylon

Sorry, I don’t think I was hugely clear on that! I had a group of friends when I was in year 10 and 11 at school who were considered the popular and ‘cool’ group. This group had been going to our local nightclub underage from 14 and 15, smoking and drinking and in our GCSE years, the house parties started and I was surrounded by people taking ecstasy or ketamine (in my experience, these are by far and large the most popular recreational drugs).

I have to admit that I have left out a crucial piece of information in my OP, as it could possibly be quite outing. A family member passed away around that age (not from drugs) I then befriended a different group of people in sixth form, as I couldn’t stand to be around people who were taking such huge risks with their lives whilst my friend had recently lost theirs so young. This group of friends did not take drugs until University, where we all went our separate ways and when we would meet up at home, they would confess to trying/taking drugs on nights out. At the same time, I was also at University, making friends and meeting people who were all also trying drugs for the first time and then taking them regularly.

I have always been anti drugs and vocal about it, as you have been and largely, my friends both from home and University have understood this and I have fortunately not had much direct pressure to conform. Unfortunately for me, this has impacted my friendships and experiences as when my friends socialise, if they are not doing the drugs they are either talking about drugs, making jokes about drugs, planning their next ‘rave’ or festival or ‘event’ to attend where drugs will be everywhere. I don’t feel comfortable in these situations and therefore have found myself losing these friendships and feeling very alone.

Im late twenties and the majority of my friends do drugs. I did when I was younger but gave up after a bad experience and then went on to have children which solidified the giving up as a permanent thing.

My friends know I dont take drugs and I know that they do. Its up to them what they do just as its up to me. Theres no need to feel isolated just be firm and assertive. I still have fun nights out, I dont need drugs to do that. It was weird at first to see other people doing drugs but now it barely registers. I just find it funny and not threatening or unsettling to see. No one asks me to join in with the drug taking now days but I still go out and go to social events with everyone. Your friends will get the message if you keep saying no. If they dont they arent really friends. Some people I know have now started to also knock it on the head as they are getting married/having children/have more responsibility at work so things are now settling down as we get towards 30s....

try to emotionally detach from it. With most people it wont go on forever and it doesnt mean you cant bond with people and have fun... you do just kind of have to take it all with a pinch of salt. For the majority of those people their drug use is not as fun or as meaningful as they initially think it is and they will eventually get bored and tone it down.

RedPandaMama

It’s good to hear from someone around the same age who has had a different experience, as it just makes me so sad to think that this is the normality of University now.

With regards to being with the wrong crowds, I was in a large flat in my first year of university with a huge range of personalities, backgrounds and courses. In the September, only one had taken drugs and many of the others had expressed very anti drug feelings the same as me. By the end of the year, it was only me who had not tried them, everyone else had decided they were ‘curious’ about drugs. I wasn’t.

To address joining sports teams, I am not very sporty in the slightest and don’t think that it would appeal to me, especially as my course is quite demanding in terms of work. I do regularly go to the gym but don’t think it’s a place to naturally make friends at University. I have even attended church in the hope of meeting people with different feelings on drugs, but did not seem to make friends there either. Thank you for all your replies though, it does help me to feel less alone.

FI suppose what I am saying, is I don't understand what specifically you are struggling with.*

Really? You don't understand how being friends with people who plan their lives around drugs isn't fun? Or that going out with people who are all on ketamine when you aren't isnt fun?

I can understand not wanting to hang out with people who regularly take drugs but why distance yourself from those who have tried in the past? Where I was at uni hardly anyone took drugs, it was the same with my friends who went to unis like Bath, Southampton and Warwick. Leeds, Manchester and Bristol otoh were rife with drugs.

3WildOnes

I don’t personally know anybody who has tried drugs in the past and doesn’t take them anymore. (Sorry, I realise I’m rambling and am not very clear in everything I’m saying)

Sounds awful, OP.
Totally get that sports clubs aren’t for everyone - how about other clubs you could join? I tried a load of stuff when I was at university just because it was there on a plate and relatively cheap - much easier to try out new hobbies than when you are working in your 20s. Some were awful and I left after a couple of sessions. Some were surprisingly fun and I met new and interesting people.

You will get to the age where you realise that you don't have to follow the crowd and just because everyone is doing something doesn't mean you have to. I would never take drugs as I've know 2 people who died from it and they weren't addicts just young people out partying. The aftermath of a drug death is heartbreaking.

You can either walk away from the friend group or you could just accept that they are going to take drugs but you don't have to and you are in charge of your actions. Never be scared to say no. When I was younger I was offered drugs and I just said no thanks and carried on with my day.

I'm 30 and I don't know anyone who uses. It's not socially acceptable in the circles I am in.

Thank you all, I’m not scared to say no at all and have been called boring countless times by people for not being curious about the effects of drugs on myself. I think it’s time that a lot of these friendships ended, as we just don’t have much in common anymore. It’s sad, but I’d rather have no friends than risk taking drugs just for the sake of keeping up appearances. Like I said, it’s difficult to ascertain exactly who does and who doesn’t take drugs, because it’s not the type of thing you say when you first meet someone, you know - ‘oh by the way do you take MDMA?’ - it just isn’t something you’d say like that and so it’s quite difficult. I’d like to agree with a previous poster who commented that it’s not fun at all to go out with people who are all on drugs, so simply going out with them and not partaking isn’t an option. I just feel sad that I am so hugely in the minority in this position.

If you're not sporty, how about something that's different and interesting /enjoyable in itself like - oh, gliding, singing, archaeology.. Just thinking you might meet people who are interested in something other than themselves and what a "good time" they are having

Realistically you’re at peak drugs (in my experience) and it will drop off as people get jobs etc.

This.

Go for more wholesome activities like yoga, hiking or rock climbing club to find non drug taking friends.

I could have written your post 15 years ago. You don't have anyone to answer to but yourself. You don't want to take drugs? You don't have to. And you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Save your money for something worthwhile and save your body and mind whilst your at it! Easier said than done but try not to stress it.

Putting aside the drugs - do you have any friends at Uni you have other things in common with?
Unless every single other person at Uni is doing drugs every time they go out and refuses to ever watch a movie, go shopping, cook a meal etc then can you hang out with/get to know people on their non-messy nights out?

Most people I know had a mix of friends at Uni with a range of interests. Whether we've remained friends 20 years later doesn't seem to have had anything to do with whether we did drugs together or not.