Ashamed of having had a breakdown

[ashamedofmyself27]

Various things this summer have culminated in me having taking some sort of breakdown. I've lost 90% of day to day functioning , been hurting myself and have needed sedating by crisis team and all sorts. GP has intervened and I will be getting formal support apparently with the circumstances that led to the breakdown but not sure what or when.

I'm ashamed though as I've been messaging a relative on WhatsApp almost daily, mostly just absolute crap and reading it back I sound really unwell. Sometimes sent messages after taking meds... She is too busy to have time to reply and too polite to tell me to sod off but I'm mortified. Have sent a message this morning telling her that. I'm supposed to be seeing her in near future and too embarrassed too as she must be thinking all sorts.

I'm feeling specatualriy rotten today as newly changed SSRI yesterday, having a very heavy and painful period, on lorazepam tablets for sedation and can barely move one foot in front of other but have to take disabled DM for a mammogram (screening), I am dreading it - taking mum out is never easy at all. Cannot bloody eat because of the prozac tablets (taste has gone all weird and I constantly feel v sick).. Just wish I wasn't me and I was stronger/had better self control.

I had a breakdown before in 2010 and on that occasion I was left to it (the GP then said I was just a nutter and attention seeking) -- eventually it went, although was 2 years to recover fully, so devastated its happened again.

You've nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure your relative will be more concerned than anything. Be kind to yourself.

Really sorry you’ve had such a shit time

I’d try and remember that by the time people are adults (as I imagine your relative is) most of us have either been through something similar or seen someone we’re close to go through something similar. I wouldn’t avoid seeing her unless there’s a reason you think it would upset you besides feeling a bit embarrassed - no need to make a big thing of the messages, they’re almost certainly a bigger deal in your head than in hers.

It sounds like you’re getting help which is great. Keep taking your medication and talking honestly to the professionals who are working with you, remember what Churchill said about tough times (“when you’re going through hell, keep going!”), and trust that you’re on your way to recovery.

There are some good episodes of ‘all in the mind’ on iplayer radio that deal with mental health crisis. Good unbiased information and a compassionate approach.

Good luck!

Thank you .

Relative messaged back and said I'm being daft, nothing to worry about. In the meantime I deleted all my old messages so can't ruminate over it all anymore.. mum's appointment also cancelled for today as no way could I take her.

I just want 24 hours of death, pampering , no worries, someone looking after me and feeling safe. I just feel like I don't know how to pick up and keep going and worried that this is forever. The medication I've got kind of helps but can barely get one foot in front of the other, although I only just started the prozac yesterday.

24 hours of death no that's a huge typo!! I meant 24 hours of rest!!

Sometimes, the mind just becomes overloaded. I had what I would term a break down almost 10 years ago in my early 20s. It was a culmination of many events happening all at once - good things like buying a house, new job - but it was too much for me to cope with.

Don't ever be ashamed and don't ever fear asking for help.

Which SSRI are you now on? I've been on citalopram, sertraline, fluoxetine (prozac) and a few others. The sickness with fluoextine should subside. I find I am sensitive to the branding of the tablet. Recently went back onto fluoxetine and felt sick for around 4 weeks. Changed brands and almost immediately felt a relief so bare in mind, if it continues, it could be that.

I pulled a sicky on Wednesday and Thurs last week (I don't work Fridays) and just had 3 days to myself. I feel much better for it.

I think thats how it is with me. Things kept piling onto my shoulders then one too many and (Not literally) collapsed and suddenly can't do anything even the basics are too much. No appetitie, no desire to get dressed, could sleep 24/7, no desire to talk to anyone even.

I've deleted whatsapp so can't message aunty now, I think that's a good thing.

You've been ill, you've sought medical help and are now in recovery. Absolutely no different to me being ill when I had my appendix out, no shame in either. You're doing great girl!

I'm so glad you corrected your typo

I'm always so impressed with how people carry on in difficult situations. Hope the help is helpful

Thank you , I really hope so too. I've had problems for years but never felt so bad before. I'm managing well with the lorazepam so that's good.. it's so hard.

I've got a dose of it to take tonight, and see how things go... texted my aunty and explained if I go quiet its not because I am ignoring her on purpose, but trying to get my heas together a bit.

Nothing to feel ashamed about OP. You sound like a warrior Keep going and trust in yourself, surf the wave x

Just a thought but is the 27 in your username your age? In my experience (and many many of my friends’) late twenties is a weird uncomfortable time. I’m 31 now and my mind is an infinitely easier place to live these days. Keep on keeping on.

Please don’t ever be ashamed, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong so there’s nothing to apologise for and don’t beat yourself up!

Sounds like you’ve been through a very tough time and now you’re getting help so be kind to yourself. Keep going and hope you recover soon, it won’t always be like this!

No need to feel ashamed or apologise for having a breakdown xxx

If you were just talking random crap to her and no-one was being hurt in the process then it's really not a big deal.

Yes, I'm 27... a lot of family crap going on sadly...

Things not been hugely bad last 48 hours although the prozac is making me very, very sick/nauseated - phoning GP surgery first thing to see if they can give me something for that!

I hope you have a better GP now than you did last time. Do you have any support?

Have you ever read "Depressive Illness, the curse of the strong" by Dr Tim Cantopher? It helped me feel less ashamed when I had severe MH problems. Also you should chat to your GP about whether it's worth changing your ADs - prozac didn't suit me at all and I tried several before I found some that suited me.

Hi op sorry you feel that way. I feel your pain, ive got bipolar and have before sent messages to everyone in my phone about the brilliance of my vagina, thinking i was utterly hilarious and brilliant
Now you have relapsed to recover you need to work out what has led to your relapse and put in strategies to prevent this happening again.
Look after yourself, nice bath, cup of tea, chocolate and film.
Am jealous about the prozac though, it makes me sky high in 2 days flat, last time i believed i could fly! X