DH irritants: need advice if I’m supposed to just ignore or to ‘work on my marriage’

[EgbertMustDie]

1. falling asleep on the sofa at night. It’s really petty - but it’s kind of lonely. When not asleep on the sofa, it’ll often be a case of watching YouTube crap on his phone in bed - which amounts to the same thing.
2. not keeping in touch when I travel on business. On a smaller level, rarely messaging while at work, and it being very short ‘surface’ chat, whereas we used to have at least a proper lunchtime convo most days:
3. getting randomly arsey about petty household shit (eg act of dog)
4. using his phone during meals
5. having got obsessed with a band I fucking can’t stand the sound of (& playing it loudly and freqiently)

Regarding (1) he’s genuinely knackered. And we have different body clocks (always have).

Regarding (2) I’ve spoken to him & got an improvement from ‘no contact for two days’ scenario that led to me calling his desk at work to confirm that he wasn’t effing dead (!) but we’re talking like half a dozen messages in a 24hr period. No banter & no warmth. I miss when we used to be able to chat endlessly.

(3) see above - he’s knackered. But I’m trying to get a foothold in a new job - and it shreds my nerves to be told in one breath that I’ve got his support and in another breath hear him stomping around the kitchen because we’ve run out of milk or whatever.

(4) it’s kind of lonely, and it pisses me off that it is effectively checking out of mealtime parenting. He really doesn’t like me commenting on it, although he puts it away when asked.

(5) I feel like a controlling bitch complaining about it. Tbf - we’ve never had the same taste in music or books. We do like the same movies, and we’ve made an effort to watch stuff together. We’ve also gone to gigs for —slightly less awful— Music that each other likes. But there’s still that element where I keep finding myself leaving the room - and I wish it was more companionable.

On the flip side - he’s made a really big effort with things like (to give recent examples) arranging romantic weekend breaks, nice gifts, taking kids out to give me time alone & generally expressing his love and affection and support for me. And I am in not a good MH space - including drinking too much. And six months ago there was someone in my old job who I talked to a lot, to the point that it was getting to inapropriate and I ended up completely cutting contact with this person (DH being aware & it all being OK & I know it was the right thing to do to cut contact - but I do sometimes really notice the gap in day-to-day chat iykwim)

12 years married. Small kids.

I genuinely don’t know if the ‘healthy’ thing is to ignore the irritants and try not to nag and just just put it down to stressful phase of life - or if it’s necessarry to address these issues before they become the seeds of being properly estranged.

Well it doesn't sound as if any of the irritants are anything new OP - you've said that he's done this/had the same musical tastes so what has changed now for you that they are more irritating to you than before? Is this just since you started the new job?

When my DH is away on business he rings once a day to talk to our DD and me - I don't contact him, nor do I text him/chat during the day unless something comes up that I need to talk to him about urgently. No chatty texts or calls at all during normal work hours. It's the one that is away that makes contact though, not the one at home - when you rang him at work was that because you were away for two days?

Being on his phone during mealtimes is rude. There's no way I would sit eating a meal with someone who was on their phone and I'd rather they didn't bother eating at the table if they couldn't hold a conversation.

Tell him to buy earphones and listen to his band.

Sparkle we’ve never liked the same bands - but these new guys .... it’s like nothing on earth - I physically can’t stand the sound - and it’s played at sonic boom volumes and for hours a day on weekends. I broached the subject - and he was proper upset - saying how much he looks forward to unwinding and listening to his music on a proper sound-system.

The upshot is that I find reasons to be in a different room with my own music on loud on headphones (or out of the house!!! )

My DH does a lot of this it's just different people like different things.

I fall asleep on the sofa a lot because I'm so tired and it really annoys him I don't go to bed but sometimes that is just too much energy I need a few hours on the sofa to get enough energy to get upstairs and get changed.

We hardly like any of the same things and when we do like a boxset it's lovely but if we liked all the same stuff life just wouldn't be interesting and we wouldn't be able to poke fun at each other for "shit taste"

No phones or hats at the table, it's a joint parenting decision in front of the kids and just rude otherwise.

Are you texting updates when you're away or just waiting to be text and are you asking questions that aren't being answered or just expecting him to be coming up with chit chat? Some people just aren't like that and if he's alone with two little ones he might just not have that much free energy and time to be keeping you entertained

Sassi I rang after two days because he hadn’t responded to my messages and I had a proper moment of ‘is he actually OK’.

If I’ve been away and it’s been intense, it’s effortful to ‘rewind your head’ 3/4 days - so I end up just giving a surface update to my news - but regretting that DH isn’t ‘part’ of my day-to-day that way. A few years back we’d tend to at least have a long chat in the evening while I soaked in the bath - even if the chat was about nothing. I think I feel vaguely worried that our conversations are becoming ‘function focussed’ iyswim. Not having any reason to talk when we’re not under the same roof being a symptom of that iykwim?

Being on his phone at mealtimes is rude and not being in touch while you're away is a bit off too, but otherwise I don't see a real issue with the rest.

I tend to be shattered when I get home from work - I have a 12 hour day including a long commute and when I get back I tend to have a shower and flop on the sofa doing very little!

I also don't understand why you want or expect him to talk to you during your lunch hour everyday - doesn't he have his own job to do? No wonder you have little to talk about at night if you try and communicate all day long.

The music thing is annoying though and he should either turn it down or use headphones.

adaline the point isn’t lunch chats per se.

It’s that the total picture adds up to not much talking.

So if we’re not chatting during the day, not chatting over meals, not chatting during relaxing time and not chatting at night ... I do understand about the tiredness - I’m not looking to blame.

Sometimes you can be so comfortable with someone just sitting in their company that you don't need to chat and maybe he feels like that more than you do.

Have you got much stories for him and questions and the you just get one word answers like he can't be bothered or is it that neither of you have stories or questions?

When DH and I are both working from home it can get to the point where we've seen so much of each other there is very little new things to say so we just make them up, what would be your plan if we were hit with zombies right now? Where do you think would be a good place to go when we finally get a kid free holiday? Would you rather? It's SO silly but it's fun

6 texts during the day is over the top. If I’m away, I probably phone max once a day, maybe send a photo or text too. How can you chat while soaking in the bath, isn’t he dealing with the kids if you’re away?

The phone at table is a massive no no, that would make me very cross. The music, too, surely the neighbours don’t appreciate it? Can’t he use headphones? Very inconsiderate.

OP, is this because you are comparing your DH to the person you spoke to a lot in work? For one thing, the other person was a sitting target in work, it's not like living with someone! It sounds perfectly normal to not talk if you are not under the same roof (ie, away at work).

Surface details about a trip sound fine to me, I'm not after a minute-by-minute account when my DH gets back.

I would get your MH sorted out first OP (you mention issues with this) and then revisit this when you are in a better place. While I do think you have a point with the phone/mealtimes and loud music, MH issues can cloud your judgement on day-to-day stuff IME (which is living with a sufferer as a child).

There again, my judgement might be clouded by the fact that we are not chatty during the day and I find it particularly irritating in colleagues tbh, if we are mad busy and they are using work time to chat to friends and family!

I think your expectations about contact during the day might be a bit unrealistic - not many people have the time or inclination to chat via text while they're st work. And most people probably want d bit of time to unwind when they get home.

However cutting off contact to the point you're genuinely concerned for his wellbeing is very odd! And him being on his phone during meals is unacceptable, especially when you have kids.

It's interesting he's playing this music you hate so loud that you have to leave the room - it's almost like he's using it deliberately to keep you away! It sounds like he's disengaged himself from family life and is there in body only.

What would happen if you suggested a date night or a day out with the kids with no phones?

Date night he’d totally be there.

Day with the kids without phones he’d struggle. When we talk about the phone, it seems like it’s a bit of an escape hatch when they’re getting on his nerves iykwim. And he’ll often use his phone with the kids (like showing them a funny you tube, or getting their heads together to choose something to buy online or letting them play a game on it).

For the music can you suggest that he gets a really good set of headphones (if you can afford it, really good ones are £££).
Then he gets the sound quality , but it doesn't have to drive you nuts!

This bloke at work, being plugged into you and attentive, probably made you think how it COULD be.

Best not to compare them, if you were with him, full time, he'd do things that irritate you too. Living with someone does that.

No phones at meal time should be a given. Wanting him to care that you arrived ok, I'd expect that too.