What do you do if your child continually messes around at the dinner table

[sleepyhollow1]

Ds just 4 does this. It's a continual battle. He plays with food, shouts, calls us silly names squirms around etc. Doesn't do this the rest of the time (too much).

We've tried various tactics. Ignoring, bringing him down from the table, praising good eating not making a big deal of it, etc.

What should we do? Today I felt really harsh because he squirted water out of his mouth, so I immediately took him down and said that he obviously wasn't hungry as he was messing about.

In some ways I feel this was justified, but then I think that he's still really little and question whether I'm doing the right thing. I don't expect him to eat like he's at the queens table or anything, but I do feel like he knows not to do things like his water trick.

Any advice?

We use 1-2-3-Magic with DS (age 3), it's helped a lot with his general behaviour and makes it very clear to him what the consequence is.

I'll start this by saying that if my DS is playing with his food, he's usually not hungry. So we do '1-if you can't sit nicely I'll put your food in the food waste box', 2-the same, 3-the same. Food goes in food waste (or he will get a reprieve and eat nicely). We've used 1-2-3-Magic for a while before bringing it to the table so he knows when he gets to 3 that's it. Because he's not hungry, I don't mind throwing it out. He can always have something else later if he's hungry but it's something simple like toast.

Mainly it's about behaviour at the table, rather than eating the food. He used to slide his plate full of food off the table, throw cutlery or bang it on the table causing damage. He might now try to dunk food in his drink and need reminding not to play with his cutlery but he's outstanding in comparison. We do lots of praise of good behaviour, high fives for excellent siting/eating etc.

I'd advise you don't make it about if they are hungry or not. My DDs are told they can't have the meal if they can't behave properly at the table. As PPs say, give a warning so there is a clear standard for them and a chance to comply/improve their behaviour, then carry out the threat - typically no more food and/or no pudding in our case.

We don't offer any alternative, nor offer the meal back later. If the warnings are ignored they eat noting until the next meal. (DD2(4) has gone to bed without dinner tonight).

On the whole both DDs eat well enough and we might not work like this if getting them to eat at all were a problem.

Yetalkshite it wouldn’t be me making my kids go hungry. If they have chosen not to eat then clearly they aren’t hungry. obviously I would give a warning but if a child chooses to misbehave rather them eat, then they can’t be very hungry.

Perhaps this is the wimp's way out, but I play board games with the kids at dinner time, so they are distracted into behaving and eating sensibly. They're both awful eaters with tiny appetites.

I'm another who offers toast at bedtime. If they really are still hungry, having not eaten their dinner, they are miserable and cranky and can't sleep.

Op this will be unpopular on here but I would totally relax on him and let him do his own thing.

Does he have a little table he can eat at?
I'd just leave food out and not make him do anything.

He doesn't understand it yet and you've turned it into a battle.

Back right off and make food fun again.
Everyone will be so much happier. When everyone is relaxed again... In weeks or months, gradually gently start again if yiu want.

Nursery is different because they often fall into peer pressure.

I

Fair enough missy

You do it your way and I’ll do it mine.

There are other, less harsh ways if you can be bothered to find them.

There is plenty of time to teach table manners it doesn't have to start at 3,4,5 to be a success.

Some dc get it earlier like some do with potty training, writing etc etc.

It's not the wimps way out at all to ease off and do something else.

Clearly he doesn’t know or understand the rules or you wouldn’t be having the problem.
First sign of misbehaviour (even ‘low level’) remove him from the table with a firm reprimand that makes explicit the unacceptable behaviour. “You spat water out so you need to leave the table.”
“You were singing silly songs so you need to leave the table”.etc
Do not let him play but make sure he sits quietly until the meal is finished.
Do not give him food until his next meal. Feeling hunger is not a bad thing. He’ll survive and get the message quite swiftly. Don’t go back on the rules even when behaviour appears to have improved.

Balance that with finding and rewarding good behaviour at mealtimes. Not prizes but positive attention. “Now you’ve stopped fidgeting, I’d like to hear about your day”. Etc.

Go in firm now to make school an easier transition.

Wow vastly different views on this! Thanks all so much for responding. It's interesting to hear all different techniques.

I have to say I don't feel like we're particularly soft on him. He was immediately brought down after the water incident. And we regularly explain what our table rules are.

Mine are 3 and 4, I just tell them to go away from the table if they can't behave and assume if dinner isn't eaten they don't need 'afters'. If they as for something else later I just direct them to their left over dinner. If a normal amount of dinner (not all) was eaten they get dessert or porridge depending om the day.

Can I ask what your expectations generally are though? Ours completely gee each other on. So would you bring down for singing etc?

I talked to my dcs.
A lot. Basically kept them entertained so they wouldn’t get bored or think fooling around is a great way to get some attention.
And some reminding them of what to do (aka ‘food stays in the plate’ rather than ‘stopp messing around with the food’)

I found that understanding the reason behind the behaviour has always been a much better way to handle that sort of situation than just saying ‘they CHOSE to misbehave. They could have sat still therefore they will be punished’

Yes, we have a "no singing at the table" rule, but it's all a bit of a joke really. Sometimes I forget, and have to be reminded by the kids (we sing a lot in our house).

If they were singing rude or very silly songs, that would be a separate issue.

And silly noises? Ds has an entire back catalogue of silly noises. See to me those are minor indiscretions but really annoying all the same. I feel like I should either ignore them or come down tough on them.

With the water incident, I would probably have just frowned, said, "that's revolting! " and then moved on. If it was repeated, I might start to feel a bit cross, and possibly even threaten consequences for deliberate rudeness, but I really try not to make hard work out of this sort of thing.

I think, if it annoys you and the kids KNOW it annoys you, then they are being unkind and disrespectful. In your place, I'd be talking with them very seriously about that, and asking them to understand how you feel. Then, yes, if it's deliberate rudeness, rather than just silliness, there would be consequences.

... but mine are older. I would have cut them a bit more slack at only 4 years old. Nearly all 4 year olds make silly noises and are too young to understand how annoying it can be

I think you and the child’s father need to agree what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and stick with it. It will vary from family to family. Mine were not allowed to leave the table until the meal was over but not everyone feels the same. As a rule of thumb maybe consider whether the behaviour would be acceptable in a restaurant.

We just say "We don't do that" and carry on modelling the behaviour we want to see. If he wants to get down he does - I know he will grow out of it so not to worried.

I was a childminder and can you image the carnage if 4 ch we're making silly noises and singing etc.
It's not unreasonable to say, we're eating now, sing and make silly noises later. That's what I mean about making the rules crystal smear for him, if you're asking how does he know?

Well I have never forced dc like so many posters on this thread
I tend to ease off until the dc have the understanding to take on board what we are saying. I never forced at 4.

My oldest dd has beautiful table manners and we add more in as she gets older. Youngest is still a handful and we get there, she can certainly sit at at table now! She's fine at school.

Eldest has been singled out with awards for manners at school and general well behaved etc. Friends mums tell me she has beautiful manners.

I guess my point is, manners, table manners are v v important to me and we seem to have achieved that goal with elder.

Personally I want dinner to be fun place, somewhere they want to come too not somewhere associated with puritanical style misery, no singing, fun, music, punishment galore...

Why struggle and battle with any child on any issues they just can't understand, when if you just wait a little... They will grasp it so much quicker, less pain all round.

Similarly I have never held my dc down and physically forced a brush into thier mouth on Mon negotiable teeth brushing when the inevitable phases of refusing comes.

I just backed off, didn't mention it then once they don't fight or fear it, gentle come back to it. Again my oldest is always praised on her brushing by dentist, her teeth are fine and same with younger!

I don't allow any messing with their food, fighting/touching each other etc but we generally talk together through a meal and if they start acting silly we just tell them they can leave the table. Tbh we've not had to do this in quite a while as they know they can leave when they are done.