Depressed, lonely and hating life pregnant

[Lonelyanddepressedmummy]

I'm really unhappy and just don't see myself ever being happy. I feel suicidal at times while pregnant and know this awful! I would never do anything as I have a responsibility to my unborn child and my other children but I so desperately need help but have no where to turn. I feel I'm a lost cause and don't see the point anymore. I've just accepted that the life I have been given will never contain happiness. I've grown up in an abusive family and then fell into an abusive relationship with whomever I had my first child. I now have two other children with my current partner but don't feel loved and it makes me so sad and lonely I'm struggling so much to cope. He resents me so much and doesn't like who I am as a person. I'm annoying, really forgetful and just odd. I just wish I wasn't me. But I can't stop being who I am and I hate everyday because I hate me. My partner has just walked in and I'm crying and he's asked why I'm crying because he could hear me laughing on the phone to a friend not long ago and it doesn't make sense, I'm just crying about him but happy with other people and then shut the door on me. No one close to me cares. Because of the abuse I have no family and my partner who I'm closest to doesn't care how unhappy I am. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't bare waking up everyday hating life and crying because I'm so unhappy. How can I be a mum to my children like this. I've had councillor before but they say I need long term and it's not available in my area. I need someone to just love me and tell me that I'm just wonderful as I am despite my flaws and faults but I think there's something wrong with me. Everyone I get close to doesn't want me so it must be me but I'm to blind to see what it is. I hate social media seeing happy couples because they have what I so desperately want, unconditional love from an equal and it makes me sad I will never ever have it with my partner and that's the life I've been given. I'll stop there and I'm so sorry for rambling on for so long. Not sure what I'm expecting from saying this but probably just good to get it out there while I can stay anonymous. Thank you for anyone that has taken the time to read this and again I apologise for being so pessimistic and depressing xxx

Please tell your midwife how you feel, they should be able to arrange some support for you x

They'll probably take my children from me and that's my biggest fear. The social services in this area are awful and I have personal experience of that. I had them involved with my eldest son due to the abuse to me from my parents and my son's father (not my current partner). They supported the abuse that myself and my son suffered despite him cutting his face with a knife in a cry for help. They have sided with my abusers even though my son has told them my parents won't let him see me and get cross with him for taking about me. My son's father is a paedophile and sexually abused my sister when she was 12, which my parents knew about and let carry on, and raped me. My parents have taken him into the family and even take him in holiday with them. I even plucked up the courage to go to the police about being raped by my ex and the case fell through due to my parents making a statement saying I'd made it up and was being vindictive. Social services seem to think this is ok and nothing to worry about and have got cross with me for being concerned that it's not normal. There's a lot more that I could add but this is just some example of my lack of trust in them and why I'm so scared if they get involved. Hence why I feel trapped. I have no family, a partner who hates me and no where I can get professional help from x