If Tommy Cooper were alive...

[makealist]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
-------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
-------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.
-------
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.
-------
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
------
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got China in my hand."
------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
------
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
------
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
------
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
-----
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
-----
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
----
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
----
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
----
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
----
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
----
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"
-----
I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
----
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
----
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
-----
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders
of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
-----
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
-----
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
------
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[southeastastra]

boom boom

[Surfermum]

Fab. You've really made me chuckle. Tommy Cooper was so funny.

[chestnutty]

Glad you stopped my sides hurt!