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Do you like yourself? And do you think people can change?

20 replies

losenotloose · 27/08/2018 13:52

For the most part I don't like myself very much. I'm not a bad person or anything but I take life too seriously and can be quite negative. I'm a big worrier and would say quite a depressive person. I'm not clinically depressed but often feel 'flat'. I'm sure some of this is circumstantial (I haven't got many friends and no hobbies) but I think a lot of it is just my character.
I'd love to be brave, confident, care free etc. Can I change or am I stuck with this me forever??

Tia

OP posts:
Sushijackiechan · 27/08/2018 13:56

You can change. Everyone can.

Have you always felt this way? Or have things changed recently?

How would you like to be? What's holding you back?

losenotloose · 27/08/2018 14:05

I've always been like this. It's held me back in many ways as I've never 'put myself out there' due to fear. As an example, I can barely swim, can't confidently ride a bike, can't drive.

OP posts:
DayKay · 27/08/2018 14:07

You can change but it’s hard work. It took you your lifetime to get to where you are. You learned a lot of behaviours.
To undo some of the negative ones, you need to first become aware of what behaviour or aspect you’d like to change, figure out how you can achieve what you want, identify what could hold you back and find ways to deal with it.
You also need to be proactive to make changes.

Start with treating yourself right.
What do you do that takes care of you?
Then do things that make you happy. What do like doing? What would you like to do?

DayKay · 27/08/2018 14:08

Where does that fear come from?

losenotloose · 27/08/2018 15:35

I'm not sure what I like or what makes me happy. I've always had the fear, not sure why. Scared of embarrassing myself, looking silly. I had about 12 driving lessons and hated them. My instructor asked me what I was scared of and I said everything. I also don't like being watched when I'm doing things.

OP posts:
WillWorkForFood · 27/08/2018 15:38

I'm in the same boat as you OP, although my flatness has lead to actual depression and two nervous breakdowns.

Endless anti depressants that didn't work and referrals to psychiatric secondary care has revealed I have personality disorders under the anxious category - dependent, avoidant and obsessive compulsive.

This sees me functioning as a normal person does, but at great personal cost of extreme anxiety, fear, dread and pessimistic negativity.

I'm told CBT is the only hope, but not to hold out any great hope of a positive outome as by the time it;s often diagnosed in your 40s+, your brain is pretty much hard wired and almost impossible to re-wire.

I was assigned CBT on the NHS but it was utterly hopeless and telephone based, so I'm now saving up for some private treatment to see if I can change who I am.

I like that I'm loyal, honest, sincere, dependably, loving etc, but hate that my every day existence is full of dread and insecurity, constantly scanning for threats and looking for exit strategies from every situation.

Most of this stems from being severely bullied through my school days that has effectively ruined my life.

LoisWilkerson1 · 27/08/2018 15:42

As a child and teen I could be quite nasty as vicious Blush I'm a lovely person, maybe too nice now. I went through a flat phase when I had pnd but you couldn't have told me that at the time. You should think about seeing your gp again.

PankyE · 27/08/2018 15:47

Yep I hear you.
It's a constant battle to feel positive. After multiple rape traumas, I am literally scared of everything and spend all my time pretending not to be.
Diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety I was once an outgoing person with a list for life and adventure. Reduced to a nervous wreck. All I've managed from NHS is a diagnosis, pills that make me worse and web-chat CBT that made me worse!

One day the NHS mental health service will be fully funded and I can get some proper psychotherapy.

My advice to you is if you can afford it, get the best therapist you can. Keep fighting for yourself and don't give up.

Enjoy the good days and be gentle with yourself on the bad days.

losenotloose · 27/08/2018 15:56

Sorry to hear you've had similar problems, will. I've been prescribed anti depressants but didn't actually take them. I want to get to the bottom of the problem, not just mask it. I've also had CBT which hasn't helped me. What I'd like is talking therapy. I might go back to my gp and see what they say.

OP posts:
losenotloose · 27/08/2018 15:58

Not sure if this is relevant but I fidget almost compulsively as well as hair pulling (don't know how to spell the official name).

OP posts:
losenotloose · 27/08/2018 15:59

Sorry to hear that, panky. I wish I could afford to go private.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 27/08/2018 16:01

I don't like myself much, except when I have an occasional period of mania when I deludedly think I'm marvellous. I don't think it's all about changing yourself, it's about reaching a state of mind where you have a realistic, but not exaggerated, view of your own strengths and weaknesses - if you can do that, you can start to build on the strengths and mitigate the weaknesses - but the difficulty is getting there from a state of self-hatred, where it can seem impossible.

I hope you can get some helpful therapy.

Sushijackiechan · 27/08/2018 16:46

Lose there a good website run by anxiety uk. They offer free online counselling.

Sushijackiechan · 27/08/2018 17:00

I suffered from anxiety badly in my 20s. I found a therapist I could afford to go to though this organisation.

It took time but I found out why I felt anxious and found strategies to cope. With the right support, I changed and my life changed for the better.

WillWorkForFood · 27/08/2018 17:29

I had talking therapy and it was great to get things off my chest and it certainly helped me understand the reasons for how I feel, it just didn't change anything, sadly.

I've got multiple issues in my life at the moment - very stressful job, marriage on the rocks, DC1 with mental health issues, DC2 with special needs - it was reassuring to have a professional confirm that yes, it is indeed a crap situation to be in that would tip many over the edge, and that my personality disorder was pouring fuel on the fire to make matters worse - i.e giving me validation that it's okay to feel so utterly crap, as anyone in my position would.

Just hoping CBT can at least help me cope with the shit sandwich I currently feel I'm being force fed..

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/08/2018 17:57

I struggle to like myself to the point I don't go out much little things set my anxiety off at the moment .
I've joined the gym but haven't been because I'm not good at hiding my low mood and feel like I create a bad atmosphere. Although I know in the long run I will feel better physically.
People always compliment me but because of medical issues I don't feel confident in myself. I've tried so many things and give up. I'm hoping the therapy I'm starting soon will help me overcome past trauma.

classical · 27/08/2018 21:15

This is me. I have utterly despised myself since childhood. I have chronic low self esteem and low self confidence and my inner voice is a bloody bully to me.

It wasn't only recently that I realised that the voice in my head, the incessant negative bully was the voice of my family- my siblings and my parents who put me down, who chastised me for every. Single. Thing.

As a child it became me, the voice in my head was that of those around me. They stayed with me all my life- nagging, belittling, shouting at me. That's how I speak to myself. It took me a looong time to realise where my negativity came from.

I have also done CBT via NHS which I didn't find useful. However, it did teach me to become more self aware of my thoughts. And after a few years of self help on and off I have been able to slowly unpick the roots of my self loathe.

I am still at the beginning of my journey.

Going back to your op- I too feel like a horrible person despite being quite nice an never intentionally being nasty to people. However as a hold I actually remember a time when my dB said that noone likes me. I didn't say anything and left the room and cried into my pillow so noone would hear me. They didn't and I carried on with my day never mentioning to anyone ever till recently. It's this type of shit that has really messed me up with how under myself.

Is also have social anxiety as I was always told off for speaking/ asking questions and being inquisitive. I learnt very early on to blend in and not speak. Which is ok as a child but not in the real world as an adult.

It's resulted in me also not being able to drive as I am too scared. I hate going to interviews so have never had good jobs as I always fail at even basic interviews. I have only had low paid jobs despite wanting to do something more challenging.

I am going down the self help route as I can't afford to go private. I've got a small plan of action that I've decided to help me get started on trying from undo years of shit.

classical · 27/08/2018 21:17

Sorry. I've just read that back and there so many typos! I'm on my phone!

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/08/2018 21:51

Hugs @classical. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Thanks

Chipsahoy · 27/08/2018 22:22

Yes and yes. Lots of therapy and ongoing practice of my own.
I still get anxious and worry a lot and sometimes have to remind myself to be less hot headed. But I have changed a lot. It's a process.

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