Being honest with a friend

[Kirtsy54]

I have a friend who is going through a bad time with their partner. I always try to be there when they want to hang out. They have even said that spending time with me makes everything ok.

I want to be there and I understand they have a tricky home life. Over time things have got on top of me, I feel it's a one-sided friendship. I mentioned I wanted to have a chat to clear up my doubts over our friendship. They promise to spend time but it never materialised.

I sent a message to say how I felt - that sometimes I feel I'm just a convenience for them. They then replied saying sorry I felt that, we shouldn't be friends. It seemed drastic and hurtful.

Rather than discussing the situation. Now I have apologised for ever saying anything and feel like shit. I know they have a lot to deal with at home and I certainly don't want to be a burden but feel taken for granted at times. I don't feel it's a huge issue and could be cleared up with a quick chat. Maybe with the unpleasant things that go on at home they no longer have the energy to deal with outside issues.

Should I just dismiss my worries and continue to be there when they need me or am I being used? Anyone been in a similar situation?

I think that replying to say you shouldn't be friends at all is pretty telling. It is an extreme reaction that's left you feeling guilty and unreasonable.

If you want to keep the friendship, put some boundaries in place, and stick to them. You don't have to be available whenever your friend wants to vent. You don't have to spend the entire time you have together talking about friend's problems. You don't have to meet one-on-one.

If your friend is not prepared to accept these boundaries then yes, you are being used.

Thank you! When we're together they don't tend to talk about their problems, as they find they're able to forget them when we spend time. They did apologise today and said that they just didn't want our friendship to be making me sad. And that I had nothing to worry about. But you're right putting up clear boundaries is the best approach to avoid this happening again.

What's the actual problem or why do you feel like an internal inconvenience. It's very hard to judge with no examples.

No idea where internal came from

Not an inconvenience, I feel like I'm there when they need me to be but it's never the other way around. When I ask to spend time they reply and say we will do something next week or whatever, but it never happens. It's only when it's convenient for them. I want to see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt.

I think setting boundaries was good advice and then take it from there.

If they are too busy to spend time it'd just be easier to say that.