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Original poster

Dealing with snobs

18 replies

Whatsnewwithyou · 27/08/2018 06:47

My father is staying with us for a couple of months - it's too long but because of an illness he's had and because he's moving house he asked to stay this length of time and we said yes.

The main issue is that he is and always has been a terrible judgmental snob. For example yesterday we were travelling early and stopped at an Asda where I bought breakfast for him, my DH and myself (we don't have children). We all chose the 9 item breakfast and he kept saying over and over again how disgusting it was and he couldn't eat it so he threw it away. I finally said please stop saying how disgusting it is as I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast and I like it...he just kept saying really, you like that??? And then later complained that he was hungry as he couldn't eat his breakfast.

Now with GBBO I want to watch it but he just keeps going on about how he hates reality TV shows and I just don't want to hear it over and over. So I'm not sure I can even be bothered watching it.

I need some good comebacks. Please help? Not too rude but that get the message across that if you can't say something nice don't say anything...but don't just sit there acting all superior either.

He was a shit dad when I was a kid (absent). He thinks being a snob makes people think he's smart and superior - it doesn't.

OP posts:

Whatnextfred · 27/08/2018 07:00

Just say yes you've said now can you please stop repeating yourself as I enjoy it

YeTalkShiteHen · 27/08/2018 07:01

Ask him straight not to be so rude and judgemental, hints don’t work with people like him!

lillylollylandy · 27/08/2018 07:25

Poor you OP. Yes, agree with PP, that you need to be blunt.

"What a shame you don't like it. Go wait in the car."

"What a shame you don't enjoy it. Go read a book in your room"

"What a shame you have to be so rude, Dad. Shows a terrible lack of breeding, don't you think?"

icelollycraving · 27/08/2018 08:00

I’d probably be rude. I’d say there is a lovely hotel if you’d prefer/ you have a room to get away from my tv choice/ you ordered your breakfast, I assumed that it wasn’t an unknown quantity/ this is how we live, we understand if you would like to find somewhere else to stay/ I’ve always liked X perhaps if you’d been around all my life you’d know that/ being judgemental and rude says more about you etc etc.

AdoreTheBeach · 27/08/2018 08:19

As this is very new situation, and as he is staying for months, it’s best to get some ground rules ASAP. It looks as though he’s already setting some.

You and husband need to sit down with him. Advise him of when meals are. Ask him to write a list of items he is allergic or sensitive to and tell him it is for meal planning. Advise him what meals you’ll be cooking mostly on a regular basis and those that he will need to do for himself.

Buy him a tv for his bedroom. Tell him that as he doesn’t like to watch reality tv and it is something you enjoy, he is welcome to watch tv in his room when there may be shoes in he does not wish to watch. Also offer to take him to the library to get some books he can read too.

What about laundry - his clothes, bedding, towels? Will he do his own or is he expecting you to do it? If you’re doing this, let him know now when you will be so he doesn’t expect service on demand.

Dishes - ie, if he’s doing his own lunch, will he expect you to wash up? Hoping, by the way, he’s not expecting you to cook him three meals a day but he may well be. If you don’t plan to do this, you’ll need to manage his expectations now.

Best of luck. You may well need it over these next few months.

Oh and on snobbery, there’s horrble reverse snobbery I have seen. I’m not English so can’t really be pigeon holed into the traditional British peg holes. What I seem to note often are people making fun of those with the more cultured accents. Neighbours of ours once had a right go at my husband for going to private school (and we send our children to private school too). Also had a go at him for wearing suits to work. This, by the way, after she’d had a few too many. Needless to say, they were not invited back.

HotSauceCommittee · 27/08/2018 08:25

Send him to his room or shush him. He’s been repeatedly rude, so you don’t need to be particularly polite now.

Accountant222 · 27/08/2018 08:30

It's going to be a very long few months, you have my sympathy

TallSlutNoPantiesthe2nd · 27/08/2018 08:36

You said it yourself "if you can't say something nice don't say anything". I also like pp's comment about breeding

Whatever comeback you use, I'd suggest picking one and then just repeating it every single time he says something snobby. He's got to get bored after a while if nothing else.

PickAChew · 27/08/2018 08:39

Agree with setting ground rules. Point out that if he can't be polite about your choices and preferences then living with you might not work out.

Is he prepared to put his money where his mouth is, eg treat you all to breakfast from Costa instead of Asda? If not, he needs to stop acting like a petulant toddler.

CherryPavlova · 27/08/2018 09:35

He’s not being a snob he’s being a moans and possibly stressed mature man.
A real snob wouldn’t even go into Asda let alone try and eat the breakfast!
Ground rules will help. Has he a chair and separate television in his room? Could you compromise and mix the Archers with GBBO?
Adults living together after they’ve led independent lives is always going to take an amount of time to settle.

Topseyt · 27/08/2018 09:47

"Stop being so bloody rude" might be direct enough. Take yourself off to sit at another table if he still persists.

"I will watch what I like in my own home. If you don't like it and are going to make snide comments then please leave the room" is another.

Be blunt and rude back to him. He isn't taking hints.

ScreamingValenta · 27/08/2018 09:53

I think you should be blunt with him.

"You asked to come and stay with us for two months, and we were glad to have you, but if you continue to criticise our lifestyle, we will have to ask you to make alternative arrangements."

For individual situations, I think lillylollylandy's approach is good.

Yoksha · 27/08/2018 09:56

CherryPavlova...." mix the Archers with GBBO ". Nearly spat my tea out with the mental picture in my mind

Whatsnew ...just keep telling him "my house, my rules " . When our adult Dd's visit & stay, we rinse and repeat this with "if you're not happy about this, then you know where the door is"! Just a thought. Can you help him find temporary accommodation in a residential home?

Failing these 2 suggestions. Bite the bullet and let him know (united front) that if the intolerable situation doesn't improve in say 2wks., then you'll have to reconsider having him live with you both for this extended period. He's set the tone of how it's going to be. It won't end well.

Holidayshopping · 27/08/2018 09:57

I would pull him up on it, every single time. It’s going to be a very long few months otherwise.

Is he sharing the cooking/housework/bills/rent or is he just an incredibly rude squatter?

PositivelyPERF · 27/08/2018 09:59

Why are you trying to please this ignorant git? Stop trying to make your ‘shit dad’ like you. He was shit when you were younger and it sounds like he’s treating you like crap now. Why are you acting as if you should try to keep him happy? He should be on his fucking knees, in gratitude, that his daughter is even letting him over her doorstep.

Isentthesignal · 27/08/2018 10:03

I think he sounds like he is struggling with the change and trying to get you to do things his way instead - he has lost control of his life and he’s probably struggling with that for the first time. I’d tell him he’s very welcome to stay, we all do things differently and if he is constantly criticising your perfectly valid lifestyle choices it’s going to be a very miserable 2 months. And every time he doesn’t like what you are doing let him know he is free to do his own thing, if he doesn’t like your food choices he can cook for himself or go to his room if he doesn’t like communal tv watching. You have my sympathies I could not have a parent stay with me for a week even, they are very set in their ways and would be of the opinion that the eldest gets to choose - so I choose not to let them stay.

alwayslearning789 · 27/08/2018 10:11

"We all chose the 9 item breakfast and he kept saying over and over again how disgusting it was and he couldn't eat it so he threw it away."

Did you say he was an absent dad???? Shame on him.

If this continues please do not allow him to guilt trip you into continuing with this arrangement.

Do not let him spoil the life that you and DH have created for yourself despite his irresponsibility when you were a child.

MargaretDribble · 27/08/2018 10:18

My DM used to be a nightmare when she came to stay. Eventually DH took it upon himself to have a few words along the lines of 'our house, our rules'. Of course she was upset but she realised that if she wanted to stay she had to accept the way we live.

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