I can't have my dad in my life anymore

[wanttogonc]

My dad has never been a very good parent. Forced adult role on to me at a very young age and placed blame and guilt on me for his problems. He freely admits he didn't want to be a father but he wants a relationship now. I feel like I'm stuck in an obedient daughter role and that isn't the way it should be.

The thing is, I think there is another motive at times. He was sexually abusive towards my mum and I am scared he did the same to me, except I don't remember. There are things that would suggest he did and I know it was questioned once. I don't know if I fully believe he did anything to me , as there's no memory at all, but I do know I am very scared of him and always have been. When he talks to me it's not like a father daughter and he has said things that suggests he rather I wasn't around. I take panic attacks and recently have not been coping at all and I suspect that part of the cause lies with him.

I'm not sure how I go about getting away from him. I have tried numerous times and it's never worked as he then tells me I need to learn to forgive and forget and move on. I can't and it's making me poorly now - I haven't experienced depression like this in such a long time and it's not coincidental that it's around the time I've been meeting him that its worse. I don't know where to go with it and how to sort it. Waiting on NHS 24 just now as have been having an 'attack now for hours and can't settle at all :-(

I dunno what to do but it's horrible.

Have to admit NHS 24 worked fast there - had a CPN then a GP phone ask me to come into local MI unit asap as give me lorazepam for the night to try and settle me until can start the prozac.. Never had that before, usually get told to try distraction.

I'm afraid there are more questions than answers here.
How old are you? Teen? Adult?
Do you still live with him?
If you do, you need to get away. If not, why do you have anything to do with him?

Maybe also look into EMDR for ptsd which may be helpful.
Hopefully someone will be along soon with advice for breaking all contact. I’m glad the nhs have helped

I went nc with my dad (lots of things in common with your dad, esp the intimidating part, the sexual inappropriateness and taking no responsibility for his actions) and it was the best thing I ever did. The relief of no longer having to shoulder the emotional burden of that relationship was amazing.
Do you live near him? I moved away (not because of him but it did help).

You need to change your phone number and any other contact details and just stop speaking to him. If you can't move, just refuse to answer the door to him. Why have you never managed to go NC before?

The only way to do it is to do it. Permit no contact with him at all, reduce your social media exposure as much as possible, think about anyone you have in common who might need to pick a side. I told everyone who knew both of us that I wanted no contact, and when one of my aunts managed to give them access to my contact details I went nc with her as well. My mother acted as a go-between, taking any post, cards, messages etc my dad's side of the family wanted to get to me, which really helped.

I'm an adult, late twenties and I should be able to sort this now really but I can't . I feel powerless and like obligated to keep up with him even though it only satisfies him not me, I'd
feel guilty although he already blames me for divorce, his financial problems , all sorts ... we don't live together. He has my mobile number, address, Facebook and family keep him up to date to. I think if I told him to go he'd work out a way back in. I tell myself if I keep contact it removes the shock element but it makes it worse him being there all the time.

Also think about your safety. Do what you need to do to be and feel safe until you get an idea of how he may react.

I've tried befoee and got dozens of emails, daily texts, 10 page letters.. I was obwrhwlemed as only 17 at the time of the letters etc so just thought easier to give in.

Powerless, obligated and guilty is how this relationship makes you feel. That is not because you are any of those things.

It’s not that you can’t, it’s just that you haven’t yet.

You’re not powerless anymore. Though I understand how it can feel like that.

When you’re a bit calmer tomorrow try and think of what boundaries you could set. How could you see less of him?

Regarding Facebook: if you don’t post anything in there then there’s nothing for him or other family members to see.

Regarding texts, phone calls: if you don’t feel you can stop responding completely, try taking a bit longer to respond. Google the grey rock technique and use it. Make all the available info on yourself so very full that there’s nothing worth reporting.

Those are just some initial thoughts to get you started.

Do you have a therapist?

I hope you get some rest tonight

Just because he sends letters and emails doesn’t mean you have to read them.

Go NC Op, for your own wellbeing. I know it's hard and seems a momentous task, but, you can do it.

Don't even bother telling him you're going to do it, just block his email address, bin anything by post in his handwriting and block his phone number. Block him on FB too. Then just ignore, ignore, ignore.

If any of your family start to question you, just keep reciting "this is my personal choice, I don't want to talk about it" until they get the message.

It may not be that much of a shock to them anyway, seeing as he's such an awful dick head.

Best of luck OP, stay strong and believe in yourself. Self preservation is key.

He sounds like an awful person and the relationship seems very poisonous and not beneficial to your wellbeing at all. I would cut off all contact, change your number and block him on Facebook. It may be difficult at first but it sounds as though it's necessary for your own happiness. I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 14 due to the horrendous domestic abuse he subjected my mum to my whole childhood and am so much better for it. Speak to your CPN and ensure you are getting enough support. Talk about your feelings and it will help you become stronger X