Would you have another child if you were me.

[CaliforniaDreamingg]

I'll give as much info as I can here. I'm late 20's with 2 DC. I don't work and DH is in the military. We have about £6,000 in savings and live in an army house at the moment and do not own any property. DH has another 11 years to serve so we can continue to live in these houses until that point if need be but we'd like to buy before then.

We have around £1300 a month spare after bills each month. I intend to work when our youngest goes to school (2020) but I'm unsure what career prospects I'd have due to my career break.

I'm very maternal and love nothing more than my children but life just doesn't feel complete at the moment. It feels like that final piece is missing.

I'm scared if I have another child, we'll struggle financially down the line and not be able to offer the kids a comfortable life, I'd hate to end up in that position. I really worry that if we don't have another, I'll look back with huge regret. DH feels the same way I do about all of this, we are so torn.

DH does get annual pay rises & promotions so his income will continue to increase so I don't know if I'm just over thinking the financial side of things. I suppose the fact we don't really have any assets scares me.

What would you do? Please help!

There is need and want...If you want your 3 dc to have one large bedroom each that's a bigger house. If you ok with small rooms each that s cheaper. Depends where you live of course and on what you want for them and affordability and what s most important to you and dh. Is bigger family what you and dh want.?.Maybe compromising on space each child will have?
Dc don't need large rooms each ....but it might be important to you when you talk about a " comfortable life". Maybe talk thru with dh what is important to you both. And look at your job prospects.

If I were in your situation I would....but then I never hesitated having a baby...I think if you are hesitating, then the answer is no, don't have another child.

When is your dh's salary likely to reach the level where you could get a mortgage for a home? What are his plans for after leaving the military? What are his earnings likely to be then? Having another dc will potentially delay your return to work, so how will that impact your plans.

This is the problem, so many things are uncertain, particularly what his earnings will be when he leaves the army. Also, I had a good career before we got married and was doing extremely well for my age at the time (22), but the problem is that I've been away from that for so long and I'd ideally be looking for a career that fits around our family life more as my career back then was very long hours. I'm hard working though and I'm sure I'll progress again even if I need to start from the bottom, but there's no guarantees. DH is hard working too but again, he could face a salary drop when he leaves the army. We just don't know for sure. Equally, he could fall on his feet. It's one of those situations where in 15 years time, I'll look back and either think, we could have had another comfortably, or having another would have been a struggle. This is why we're finding it so hard to decide.

It's very hard because nobody ever has a crystal ball, having another child is always a leap of faith and it will undoubtedly affect all of you.

What exactly do you mean by a comfortable life? Do you want to help DC with driving lessons, uni costs? In which case a third child will definitely impact on that but it's not impossible to overcome. However I'm surprised that with £1300 after all bills (are you including insurances, car etc) you can only save £300, especially given there is a specific goal - home ownership - in mind. Perhaps focus for 6 months, save as much as you can, see which lifestyle sacrifices you're willing and able to make and how much you can save. You don't have to buy immediately. Round here, a 3-bed semi in an average area is £140, 000 - we are a relatively cheap area and £6000 won't go far. You also have stuff like solicitors fees and stamp duty to cover.

Another thing to think about, although unlikely, is what if a third pregnancy isn't so straightforward? There is always the possibility for pregnancy loss, very poorly baby (or worse), severe disability, postnatal depression etc....I know those probably aren't normal things to consider when making this decision but in my case, having my fourth baby changed our lives irreversibly, not in a good way unfortunately and although I wouldn't wish him away I wish we'd stuck at 3.

Personally I would have the 4th baby.

Fulfilling careers are hard to come by, you could get your kids up and start out in the world of work to find that the only jobs you can get don't give you fulfilment and satisfaction you've been after.

I worked hard to get my dream job, 3 kids later it just doesn't seem so important. My DH and I are talking to social workers about fostering or adopting. I'm very maternal too, and my heart really breaks for looked after children. Maybe you could think of something like that long term? What do you feel enthusiastic about? You can do something voluntarily and make a big difference that way which may help you feel more fulfilled. Everyone is different though, personally I've never really been very materialistic, and although I enjoy aspects of my job and it pays well it all seems a bit insignificant when I consider that there are children out there without a family to care for them.

Could you and your DH prioritise saving for a year or so (assuming you have a lot of the baby gear already) and get together a deposit for a buy to let house? Doesn't have to be the dream home, but just something that would be popular to renters and that you could possibly live in short term, if needed, when DH leaves the army. If you're renting it out that should cover the mortgage , and you could make overpayments out of the £1300 spare you have every month and get the mortgage cleared in 10 years.

At least then when your DH leaves the army you aren't high and dry.

You both want another.
You are young.
You can afford it.
I would.

Errrrrr what happens in 11 years when your husband is out of the army and you can no longer live in cheap army rents? 6k in savings is poor as you're rent will be very small presently. Where will you live? What are his job prospects? I'd be working on building up my career and saving towards a deposit so we wernt shafted. You know he won't have a job or cheap housing in 11 years and will be starting from scratch.
Will this be easier or harder with more kids who will be hitting teens?

I'm not sure first time buyers can do btl.

I would not have more than two children. Time, money, physical space... imagine three teenagers all over your house all summer long (it's driven me nearly crazy, I've never been so stressed.) Stick to what is comfortable and works. How about sponsoring a child from a developing country, as a family?

I'm about to have my 4th so have a bias for more! However, it sounds like you have enough cash in the short term but your savings are low for someone with no deposit and no second income. If the £1300 is after bills etc then you really need to rein in your spending and start saving - if it's not, then you're not going to realistically save a deposit with a 3rd child and jobs as they are. Given that childcare is already not a cost for you, DC's will only get more expensive as they get older.

What happens if your husband is unable to continue to work in the military? I have no experience here, so maybe a lot is covered by the army - but if not, having 3 DC with minimal savings, no equity and without you in work, even very part time just to keep a work history, would be scary for me. It only gets harder to re-enter the workforce with more DCs.

You are young, would you consider waiting a year or two to build up more savings and / or for you to get a job, then go for a 3rd DC?

Get your husband to look into what support the military can give towards buying a house. We used the forces help to buy scheme - you have to pay it back over 10 years which is no problem if you say he has another 11 years left. It might change your view of your finances.

The difficulty is, realistically we can't buy until I'm earning. That's why I feel pressure to have DC3 sooner rather than later, so I can get back to my career. Definitely interested in using the Forces help to buy but say we borrow £15,000, that would be £130ish a month on top of the mortgage payment and other bills. Without me earning, that just wouldn't be doable.

It sounds as though buying a home is priority #1, so I think you need to start from the knowledge of how much the kind of home you want will cost (go on rightmove and look) and then work out from that he kind of deposit you’re going to need. Then look at the amount you’re currently able to save per month and work out how long it will take to save for a deposit and the other purchase costs (stamp duty, legal fees etc).

If those figures work out satisfactorily - ie. if they show that you are on track to be able to buy a home within your preferred timescale (a few years max?) - then I’d consider whether there is additional room in your finances for another child.

I suspect - I may be wrong! - that you’re nowhere near being able to afford to buy a home in the next 2-3 years. In which case you need to think in a very clear headed way about whether the home purchase is more of a priority than the third child.

Personally I think I’d want to get onto the housing ladder first - you’ve got some years ahead of you to have a late 3rd anyway.

If your 2nd child is 2 at the mo then can you look at getting a part time job when they qualify for free nursery hours when they turn 3? That would help bring in a bit more money, plus getting your career restarted. Once you’ve been in employment for a few years and have bought a house you’ll get maternity pay if you have a third child, which would also be financially helpful.

How about sponsoring a child from a developing country, as a family?

😂😂 yes because that's the same thing. Please don't ever say anything like that to someone that's infertile btw.

I’m from a large family.
You need to think about the costs when they are teenagers not just small children. Extra children don’t really cost much.
I saw my BF do this. Each baby cost very little extra.
She’s now trying to buy uniform for 5 children who have all grown and is on her knees. They cost a fortune to feed. They are all active and do activities outside school which cost.
She cannot afford to help any with university costs. Me and my siblings all went for free.
I think you also need to consider long term.

Oh and does your DH have an idea of what he wants to do when he leaves the forces ? And what his earning power will be? You’ll want to take that into account in your long term financial planning.

If your 2nd child is 2 at the mo then can you look at getting a part time job when they qualify for free nursery hours when they turn 3? That would help bring in a bit more money, plus getting your career restarted. Once you’ve been in employment for a few years and have bought a house you’ll get maternity pay if you have a third child, which would also be financially helpful.

I've thought about this a lot and here are my concerns. Realistically, it would be hard for me to find a PT job that doesn't require me to have the youngest in nursery slightly over the 15 hours. I could maybe work 10-2 two days a week but id most likely find that in a retail environment. So in all likelihood, I'd need to fork out some money in child care. Once I start working, say I'm entitled to 4 weeks annual leave, DH can at times be away for most of the year. That leaves me with the possibility of having to pay for childcare for 8 weeks of school holidays in the year for 3 children, plus us having to meet the mortgage payments etc. All of that for a retail job which probably won't pay a great deal. I feel like my only realistic option is to wait until the youngest is at school and to try to find a term time only job. Maybe teaching assistant or something like that, until the kids are old enough to not need child care, then I will have the freedom to work in any environment. For example, whilst working as a TA, I could train in the evenings in something I'm more interested in having a career in, then I'd have a pathway into that once DC are old enough. It's hard having no family to help with childcare, the cost of it really is astronomical.

Regardless of the practicalities of life, I feel that when you say life just doesn't feel complete at the moment, having another child to complete your life feels to me like a really, really bad idea. How do you know that it isn't just the absolute dependence of a new-born and early years child that makes you feel 'complete' Where might that end? Will you need a fourth, fifth, sixth etc. child.

I would encourage you to do some thinking around these feelings of your life not being quite complete and work from there, rather than plunging in to have more children. Enjoy the children you have, encouraging them to explore the world and prepare them for eventual independence. And keep a weather eye out for what you will do when they are grown up, you will still have a lot of life ahead of you

All the very best

I have 3 DC. My third was planned and very much wanted but it is HARD. We have a large house and no financial issues, I work PT in a fairly well paid technical role in the civil service (3 days) and it's very flexible. DH works exclusively from home. We are both finding having 3 kids exhausting. DS is wonderful - a sunny, smiley, fun loving little boy. But having 3 kids who all want different things means I never feel on top of things and I spend my life outside work doing laundry, food shopping and domestic admin.
As others have said, you need to prioritise setting yourselves up a home so that you won't be in difficulty when your DH leaves the military. I would save as much as possible and also look at job options. I did the civil service graduate programme whilst having young kids - I started halfway through my pregnancy with DC2. My pre-kids career was long hours and not very family friendly. I've found the civil service a good option.

Realistically, if you are finding it hard to go back now, it will only get much much harder with 3. Again, I still think 3 can be great, but if you can definitely go back FIRST! You will then get 30 hours nursery with the 3 year old (not just 15) - and even if you have to pay a bit extra, the income should cover that. Even if it doesn't, the experience and the maternity leave pay will really help.
Otherwise imagine you start trying now... It takes 6-12 months, then 9 months of pregnancy, then 3 more years until the youngest is at nursery. That's 4 years minimum with no earnings and no work history. Term time jobs are like gold dust, their first preference is not going to be someone with a 7 year CV gap.
Is there other study you could look at?
As I said, I'm totally pro having 3 but like pps said it is hard work and it is expensive, it's always going to be better to take the next step before and not after you start working on dc3.

If I were you, I'd go for it. But then I'm super broody and ttc at the moment so probably not the most impartial advice!