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Me and DH aren’t on the same page about having kids - or not (sorry, long)

10 replies

HollyWoods8224 · 24/08/2018 11:10

I’ve been with DH for 7 years, I’m 28 and he’s a little older.
Initially when we talked about kids it was a distant future thing, and it’s still not immediately on my mind.

He said he wanted 2
I said I wanted 1
He said he wouldn’t at all unless I committed to 2 (assuming everything was ok medically, financially etc)
We dropped it for a while, and didn’t talk about it again, I worked on myself and decided that I want 2 if it was what DH wanted.
Time went on, we bought a house, have lived life etc
A friend ask DH about kids and he said none at all, I said what happened to 2, he said none at all.
(Once it was just us) I bawled my freaking eyes out, my hormones were firing and I suddenly felt like I needed to Un-want these children that I had spent years building up to wanting because he wanted them.
We dropped it again but it’s bugging me.

His reasons are finance and travel - I’ve suggested several ways he (and we) can improve our finances, he hasn’t taken them onboard at all. We’re not poor but we’re not rich. In terms of travel I’ve asked where is on his bucket list that he wants to see - “oh, no where really”

I’m concerned that over the 7 years children (or a child) has become a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to be without my DH, but I want him to be happy - which might make me unhappy....
No rush, I’d like to try ttc in 2 years (a good time financially, our age, security etc)

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2018 11:14

If he doesn’t want children and you do, you need to seriously consider whether that’s a deal breaker for you. You got married on the understanding that you’d try for two so this is a big change.

It sounds like the travel thing is an excuse. Maybe you need to book some proper time to talk through what’s really going on.

YorkieDorkie · 24/08/2018 11:21

He sounds like a grade A prick. None unless you commit to two?

PRICK. LTB.

HollyWoods8224 · 24/08/2018 11:28

@YorkieDorkie
There was a little bit more to that part but i didn’t think it was relevant so shortened it.

At the time he was worried (irrational fears, we all have them) that after having 1, I had the control to deny him a 2nd.
That I would get what I wanted and then not give him what he wanted - reading this back I don’t mean for it to sound like such a terrible way to talk about little lives!

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YorkieDorkie · 24/08/2018 11:29

I had the control to deny him a 2nd.
That I would get what I wanted and then not give him what he wanted

Still LTB

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2018 11:30

Red flags waving - he actually said he was worried you would control him after having one?

HollyWoods8224 · 24/08/2018 11:38

Not his exact words, but that was the feeling of it. (This was 5+ years ago)
I think the exact words were “then you could just say no after 1 and you would get what you wanted anyway”

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LaGruffaloGrumble · 24/08/2018 11:39

One person seems to be controlling in this relationship. Hint: it’s not you.

All you can do is think long and hard about whether this is a deal breaker and if it is communicated clearly so he knows you’re saying no children could mark the end of the relationship. What I would say is don’t be fobbed off - if you think it’s ok because you weren’t intending to TTC for two years, that’s fine but potentially you’ll be starting to look for a new partner before that can happen. Without being dramatic about it or wanting to panic you, if that’s a timescale you’re set on you have less time than you think.

Flowers OP. This is unutterably shit.

HollyWoods8224 · 24/08/2018 11:53

I’ve never thought of him as controlling and no one who knows him has pointed that out - maybe he comes across that way when I write my inside thoughts?

The more I think on it, I don’t just want children. I want a child with him, I want to build on all the great things we have and grow and share that. I don’t know if I’d feel the same with anyone else (and probably not in my ideal timeline)

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Lillygolightly · 24/08/2018 11:59

I’d sit him down and tell him to take some time and seriously consider what he wants. Is it 1 child, 2 or none? Tell him you don’t expect an answer immediately but that you do want one soon.

Leave it at that, wait and see what he says you can then make your decision from there.

HollyWoods8224 · 24/08/2018 12:03

Thanks Lilly, that sounds like a plan - open ended and puts ball in his court without too much pressure.

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