Feel like I’m at war with ever fucker

[burningbridgesallovertheshow]

I’ve NC

I really don’t know if it me so I’m looking for a bit of insight as I’m burning bridges left right and Center

I live quiet a boring life. Dh, three kids, were happy and just generally getting on with stuff. I would say that I’m quite passive, my friends have send in the past ‘I wouldn’t have let that go’ or ‘well you let them get off easy’ if I’ve had issues with people & family. I really do not like confrontation and get nervous around arguments. I have a real fight or flight sensation and I tend to take the ‘flight’ route as I don’t want to upset family dynamics, mums at school ect..

But some where in the past year things have been coming to a head with several situations and people and I’ve just gone overboard probably sticking up for myself and burned a lot of bridges. I feel like I can’t let resentment go. I think about the issues and people all the time. Constantly going over past conversations and what I will say when I next see them. It gives me headaches.

At all usually washes over dh but this time a situation that involves his family that’s been rumbling on force years has finally come to head and I’ve just gone in to total war mode

I feel like I’ve been poked and poked until I’ve snapped and now I’m looking like the mad women and the people that have pushed me to the limit are now looking like the victims

I’m currently not speaking to four members of my family, damaged a relationship to some one in my family I’m very close to but trying to over come it, not speaking to nearly dh entire family, not speaking to some ‘mummy’ friend and finally gave the boot to a toxic friend (which needed to be done)

^^^ all that is s bloody lot! I don’t think it’s normal to be this hostile to such a large amount of people

I’ve been told to try and get over what some of dh family did but I just can’t. I feel really bitter and can’t let it go. Same with the others I suppose.

Is it me ? Does any one else go through this?

I feel like I’m a walking box of matches

If you got through all that

Maybe it all actually needed to be said? Perhaps you're subconsciously trying to simplify/restructure your life.

Catastic that’s something I’ve considered but how to people just get through life with ostracising themselves from their families? Plus my dc are ultimately effected by it because now they don’t get visits of family members

I’m very similar to yourself, laid back and will let most things go fir the sake of not falling out, life is too short etc... but sometimes I do think that family and friends see that as a weakness, or an easy solution, and if it comes to a choice of upsetting/putting out me, or someone else, it’s always me that gets picked. Because if this resentment tends to build up for me and every few years or so I put my foot down. People see it as me kicking off, but in reality I’m just not letting them get away with putting me second, last or out. Sounds like it might be a similar situation with you OP. It will probably calm down after a bit, relationships will be rebuilt and you’ll get the respect you deserve. For a while at least, although you’ll return to your normal chilled out self, and the whole cycle will resume again

Sounds to me like you might be much like I used to be.

Determined to stand up for myself and go on the defensive about any and all injustices (perceived or real).

I had a difficult childhood which left me with the mistaken belief that it was me vs. The world.

It took me many lonely years to realise that this was an exhausting folly. I spent so many years at war, I reached the point that I couldn't relate to anybody on anything other than a superficial level. I was friendless, familyless and lonely.

It has taken a world of introspection, apologies and bridge building later, I am slowly rebuilding myself. I have learned that I was actually quite arrogant in my belief.

Humility, tolerance and kindness eluded me as a young adult, thankfully they never fully disappeared.

I hope that you can learn to take a step back before you end up lonely, like I was.

Have you had a major life chance recently? Even menopause?
Perhaps this is a new beginning for you. It sounds like you're trying out new behaviours because you're ready to grow. Counselling might help you identify which of these changes you want to take forward and which are growing pains.

If people are "poking" at you, that will make you miserable. Now you've called them on it, that also makes you miserable, but not a mug anymore.

My approach to this sort of situation, is to tell people exactly what I'm thinking, what's pissed me off, but in a non combative way. No raised voices, assertive but not aggressive, I ask that, whoever I'm speaking to lets me have my say before they interrupt. Being honest but calm, helps everybody.

Thebluedog yes I do feel like I’m on a cycle this has been about a four year one.And I know that for some people they have defanatly seen it as a weakness so seem shocked when I kicked off or went overboard but yes I really resonate with your post.

Golden while I can connect with some of your post I don’t think I’m there - yet!

I trundled on for years putting up with poor behaviour from 'family' but in my forties I've put in boundaries. This has not been taken well by those who like to tread on me. Oh well! I think this happens a lot OP as people redraw boundaries as they get older and wiser.

heart I really do think I’m going in to a new phase of my life. I can feel that. I did have a life event recently which was ruined my dh family and I think it’s just pushed me over the edge with people

fiery I’m going to try that approach. Although I have a hair trigger at the moment. My aim is that if I get an abusive text to wait the next day to respond

Ms I’ve just turned 40 maybe that’s what it is.

burning I read somewhere that people do sort out unsatisfactory family behaviour in their 40s. I think when you're born into a family you end up with a role. I was the quiet 'nice' one. Didn't do me any good . I've rectified that now . The only thing I'll say is that people are loathe to change so sometimes the relationship doesn't recover.

Oh and the in-laws haven't been behaving either but that's dh's area now.

I see it as a recalibration. I do usually get on with people but I have a very difficult family and that's playing out right now.

Make sure you look after yourself and practice a lot of self care.

Were you relaxed and laid back before? Were you really just quiet to have quiet life?

I'm inclined to think not. I think it's what you told yourself, but maybe it's not the case. Women are often bad at being assertive. We struggle with it if we've been raised to be passive. Passivity is seen as feminine, assertion as a male trait.

Perhaps as we get older we shed some of this conditioning. I've known women become more assertive as they get older.

I just think that when you are passive and "nice" people often take the piss. I also think there is only so long anybody, no matter how laid back, can swallow that. I just think you have reached your tipping point. Good for you.

I've done the same in recent times and cut out all the people who have treated me badly over the years (many years of putting up with their relentless crap). It feels good, I feel liberated and I don't feel guilty. I'm not an arse, I'm not confrontational I've just had a gut full. Enough is enough.

So you were the one who wouldn't Rock the boat for years, so much do, people took the piss.

So now you stand up for yourself and find yourself falling out with these people.

It's not you, it's them. You're no longer the predictable soft touch they were used to. And they don't like it one little bit.

I’ve always been very laid back and let a lot go then at a given point just completely lose it because it’s all built up, I don’t like myself then because I literally explode at people. I’m probably quite close to an annual yelling fest right now tbh

I could have written your post, OP! What changed for me was becoming a mum. I suddenly stopped taking shit from people, not wanting my DS growing up thinking it was acceptable to talk to me like that, and those who used to take advantage of my placid and respectful nature had a shock. They walk on eggshells around me now and are all nice and lovely, yet I still feel like the problem is me.

I just said to DH this afternoon, the fact that I'm falling out with people everywhere, the problem must surely be ME. But it's not. It's them, and the fact that they've walked all over us to a point where we've finally snapped and won't put up with it any more. It's a weird feeling to be the one in control!

I had an evil bitch bully in a former workplace. She was slightly senior and pulled my strings until about 4 years in, when I finally snapped. I called her bluff about 'asking the bosses if THEY think my work is adequate' and from then on, she couldn't have licked my arse more if she'd been a bloody Labrador. It's the same now with my family. Only difference is I tended to let things slide more, because it was family. Not any more.

Stick to your guns and be strong, it's worth it in the long run!

I tend to think you have to look at the common denominator and in this case it’s you unfortunately. Youbdegunitely could just be unlucky, but equally you might be over reacting to stuff. Only you can answer that.

I can totally relate. 40's. 3 family deaths and I now have decided no more crap will be taken. In the middle of trying to deal with my bully of a sister, then will be partner next. Know could be end of both these relationships but am past caring - they have both given me so much shit for years. Think everyone has a breaking/fuck it point

wrongwayup hope things get better.

@burningbridgesallovertheshow Hi Op, just wondered how you are now? Hope things improved for you.