How can I make myself mentally harder??

[Maybethistime8]

Do you ever wish that sometimes you were just a bit braver? Nothing drastic just to have the courage to say no, to not let people walk all over you, to have The courage to stick up for yourself a bit more whether it's in a relationship, friend, work etc? I'm struggling at the mo with the fact that I always seem to be the person to cave, the one to feel bad when I haven't done anything wrong and just generally the person who needs to grow a bit of a backbone and be a bit harder and less taken for granted. But I don't know how to change it! And o need to!

Imagine a good reliable friend is with you and encouraging you to be assertive (they can be imaginary or a character from a book).

Focus on how you will feel after the incident is resolved rather than when you are in the middle of it (you will feel brilliant afterwards if you manage to do the difficult thing and assert yourself).

Think about whether you will be worried about the incident in a year's time - for example, will you be worried that you said no to someone or happy they aren't still walking over you?

It took me a long time to stop being a people pleased. If you don't assign a value to yourself people will treat you how they think you deserve. I DO deserve respect.

Write it on a post it and stick it on the inside of your front door so everytime you go out you'll see it.

Just practice saying no. Start with something small, and not important. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the more natural it feels. Try to say no, without making an excuse or opening a discussion about why you should refuse.
When it comes to people making shitty remarks, practice ignoring and walking away. It is a very powerful way to stick up for yourself. Much better than arguing your point and a lot easier for you.

Would you consider going on an assertiveness course?

I did one a few years ago and it helped a bit.

Otherwise I am watching with interest as I was always a pleaser and I seem to have turned into a growler because I see what’s going on, and can stand up for myself, but I get stressed.

I heard a great tip for preparing for tricky situations. Do something that you find really relaxing, like having a glass of wine in the bath. Whilst you’re in the bath, run through the scenarios you’re worried about in your head and practise out loud your assertive responses. Keep doing it. Then when you’re in the tricky situation you will have a prepared response and your brain will automatically relax you because every time you’ve said that response before- you’ve been chilling in the bath!

Just say no, firmly, with a big smile on your face.
The more you plough through in life, the easier it becomes. I think resilience grows from adversity, generally.

@Adarkandstormyknight I'm willing to try anything.

I've just got to the point in my life where I'm fed up of just feeling like a bit of a doormat - from everything from relationships to friends to just general every day situations

I try and step out of my comfort zone every year - and then remind myself that I faced a fear with X, I can face fear again

The assertiveness training I did as part of my graduate placement gave me the confidence to stand up for myself. The training course I did involved a lot of reflecting on past experiences and thinking about how you could have expressed your wishes etc.

There might be some similar cheap options on Udemy?

"Please don't speak to me like that" with a smile helped me. I was worried I was in the wrong and had upset people. I was trembling inside. I was 34.

Strangely I can stick up for my children far better than myself.

I identified people around me who are assertive and watched how they respond to tricky situations. The point PPs have made re just saying no is a good one. If you try to offer up reasons and explantions, people see it as an 'in' to try to persuade you to change your mind. I'm still not great at asserting myself, but see it as a work in progress. I think body language, tone of voice etc help to convey a sense of assertiveness and this kind of confidence isn't something that comes naturally to me.

Do you have an assertive friend or relative you could practice roleplaying scenarios in which you need to be assertive?

Well to be honest I do have an assertive friend that I have previously looked up to but as time has gone on I've realised that she's actually bordering on quite rude and is actually very good at using her 'assertive nature' to feel rubbish about yourself - drops in lots of quips, very good at making you feel guilty for things etc. So I stopped looking to her, I don't want to be that kind of assertive!

It's about setting boundaries.

Firstly, what things are you happy to do for people as favours (ie you won't feel resentful when doing it) whenever they ask? Secondly what things are you happy to do occasionally, but not as much as they are asking for, or you want a bit more give and take? Lastly, what are the things that just flat out annoy you every time?

Once you are clear on what things you will/won't do it's much easier to maintain these boundaries and be assertive about them. Say yes to stuff in the first category and no to stuff in the last. Most stuff that you're struggling with probably hits the second category.

This is harder to deal with, but for each situation that comes up work out what you are happy to give and stick to it. eg giving someone a lift once a week is ok, every day is too much. Then next time they ask, state what you can give them something like:

"I'm very busy at the moment - I can do Wednesday if that works for you".

Specify what you are willing to do, and it's up to them to either accept or not. You aren't saying no, just setting limits that you are happy with, on your yes's.

If someone suprises you with a request and you're not sure - give yourself breathing space and claim "oh let me just check with DH/the calendar etc, I'm not sure when I'm free, I'll let you know" then figure out what you are comfortable with before replying.