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Original poster

Am I unreasonable or is he ungreatful

28 replies

Passthewineprettyplz · 22/08/2018 22:52

Hi all

I love my DH don't get me wrong but I feel so underappreciated? Im not sure if my idea of what a man should do if he respects you or appreciate what you do is right....

Today I have done almost everything I usually do. Get DD (8) and DS(20Months) up fed washed dressed, cleaned house done my errands, got on top of the mountains of washing that seem to just magically appear here overnight! I'm pretty sure there is someone living here I haven't met yet the amount I have seriously.
Done my daily errands, registedered his business cooked tea. ( Spaghetti Bolognese) which he complained about and left, said his usual no effort involved and that it wasn't good enough, so after asking what DH wanted to eat, I was met with well what is there, I rounded a list off and nothing tickled his fancy. To then sit for the next hour asking me what's for his tea 👿👿👿👿👿👿 meanwhile I've bathed DS, got him ready for bed, DH is at this point sat on his bloody phone browsing FB telling me he's looking for potential jobs.

The next thing I'm being told how I never do anything to facilitate ease in his day or to help him. I am up and on the sofa for around 4am everynight with DS he won't sleep through unless we're in the front room on the sofa even at weekends DH doesn't get up with him, he will vac up occasionally but I don't ask for help with jobs. I'm so tired I can't think straight,
he works hard I know he does I appreciate all he does, I am a sahm I also had a chemical pregnancy last week, tested positive on Thursday AF turned up today 😭 I am on POP he didn't even get up to hug me or say I'm sorry your going through this or it's okay I love you. Instead back to browsing on FB ☹️☹️

Am I expecting to much? When I broach the subject all I hear is well your "just a stay at home mum" don't I do enough to warrant a break to? Aibu???????

OP posts:
MrsRubyMonday · 22/08/2018 23:15

He sounds like a knob

HollowTalk · 22/08/2018 23:20

He sounds horrible. What percentage of the time is he a knob?

Original poster
Passthewineprettyplz · 22/08/2018 23:25

Usually as soon as he walks through the door, when he's at work he's nice, calls a million times a day I suspect he is checking up on me... No I know he's checking up on me most of the time. The odd time he rings for advice on how to deal with things or ask my opinion of a situation usually a customer being an a hole. I know his job his hard and stresses him out he also has a major vit d deficiency which won't help his attitude and irritability. Just not sure on how much more I can take before I snap.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
MysteriousQuinn · 22/08/2018 23:28

Oh god please just STOP DOING IT ALL! Tell him to cook, tell him to do his own washing, tell him to get up in the night with DS. And if he refuses then you refuse to do it (not getting up with ds obviously but im gobsmacked that he never does his share of this). Don't wash his clothes, just cook for you and dc's etc.
My DH works long hours in a stressful job but he still gets up with dc's if they wake and he cooks more often than I do. He does his share of housework and he never says that I am "just a stay at home mum". The way your DH is treating you is appalling. Please don't put up with it any longer. Stop facilitating his lazy arrogance.

MysteriousQuinn · 22/08/2018 23:31

Actually with regard to getting up with your ds just nudge him and day "your turn". Do this continuously until he gets up.

Original poster
Passthewineprettyplz · 22/08/2018 23:32

Your joking right 😂😂 it takes me an hour to get him out of bed an hour after his alarm has gone off. That's no joke

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 22/08/2018 23:49

Don’t get him out of bed. He’s an adult. He can start behaving like one.

Cook whatever you want. If he doesn’t want it, tell him to make whatever he fancies.

Plonk your ds on him at 4am. See how he likes it.

LTB. Why are you with this idiot?

Costacoffeeplease · 22/08/2018 23:52

And his good points are... ?

And please don’t include checking up on you, that’s just creepy

EnidButton · 23/08/2018 00:46

Any good points? Anything?

He sounds really really bad. Your expectations are not high at all.

Moody, lazy, selfish, childish, thoughtless, possessive knob.

At a push of being kind I suppose struggling to get up and some moodiness could be symptoms of the vit D deficiency but presumably he's on a high dosage supplement as prescribed by the doctor? They should be helping. I'd suggest he does his own research on things that will help too but I doubt he'd look them up himself. You'd end up doing it.

He'd be a dick anyway though. That's pretty clear.

EnidButton · 23/08/2018 00:46

*of being = and being

LemonysSnicket · 23/08/2018 00:51

If I cook tea, unless it's genuinely gross, DP can either eat it or make something himself.

MissVanjie · 23/08/2018 00:58

Get rid of him

You will have so much more energy when you are not getting him up like some sort of teenager cooking his tea and wrangling his moods. And you’ll get every other weekend off from childcare if he’s any kind of father (optimistic i know, but if you’re doing it all now for three children, you’ll still be winning when you’re only doing it for two)

Find out where in your area you can use childcare hours from age 2, put your ds’s name down and start looking for work. This time next year you won’t know yourself

MissVanjie · 23/08/2018 00:59

Oh and wah wah wah vitamin d deficiency my arse

Vitamin douchebag deficiency more like

Middlrm · 23/08/2018 01:33

He is taking you for granted, yes you are a full time mum it’s hard work too! And yes you do deserve a break. He needs to grow up.

You are not his slave and don’t be at his beck and call all the time he is controlling you. There would have been nothing wrong with dinner he was just flexing his I am in charge muscles.

nachonachowoman · 23/08/2018 01:35

I would leave this guy faster than he could throw his spaghetti in the bin.

EnidButton · 23/08/2018 01:38

Just in case anyone missed it, the OP registered his business for him. In between doing everything else that apparently didn't help or support him in any way.

Horrible man.

CormoranStrike · 23/08/2018 06:34

He sounds dreadful in every way.

Where is his support for you? For his children? In what way does he show you he loves you?

Telling you is not enough, how does he show it?

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2018 06:40

He's not contributing much is he?
Get rid of him, you'll be saving yourself some jobs and you won't be criticised.

winterdeballesteros · 23/08/2018 06:56

He is awful. Probably not a good time to have another baby?

Original poster
Passthewineprettyplz · 23/08/2018 07:48

We didn't want another baby I'm on feanolla, been on antibiotics didn't even think about it messing with my pill. He doesn't show his love in the affectionate sense that you would expect a spouse to show you love, he's materialistic he buys things like a car. And then sells it for another one and another one and another one ( mainly to make a profit to save it and put it away). If he gives me money for me usually ends up being spent on the house or the small people because they need things now not next month and they shouldn't have to wait for it. I do have access to his bank but I have to prove what I spend on apparently ( new thing). He shows his love by buying things like a horse ( that I don't have time to enjoy) because I have the kids.... All the time. He knows to make me happy all I want is a hug and to be made to feel like what I do for him and our family is enough for him. But then it never is and I feel like it never will be

OP posts:
NatashaRomanov · 23/08/2018 07:55

He doesn't love you, and he doesn't respect you.
If I knew you in real life, I would advise you to start getting copies of bank statements, making sure you have your/the kids passports safe, all necessary paperwork relating to the house, business, cars,the horse. Make copies while he is at work. And leave him.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 07:58

I say this on so many threads but it applies

I love my DH

No, you don't. You think you do. You may be reliant on him, or used to him being around, or scared of being on your own, but it is simply not possible to love someone who treats you like shit.

This is not what a healthy loving relationship is like and he will not change and nor will your life. Unless you leave. Forget all that counselling stuff, because men like this do not change. Remaining in this for the next 5, 10, 15 years will wear you down until you feel totally worthless and your DS will get the idea that how your husband treats you is how to treat women and your DD that a woman's place is to be controlled.

I assume you don't want that for them, let alone yourself. Please leave. I promise you, this situation will get worse if you don't.

Original poster
Passthewineprettyplz · 23/08/2018 08:05

Definitely not scared of being on my own was a single mother before I met him working every weekend and raising my baby and owning it. I don't need him I want/wanted him there's a difference. It's just really sad and a hard pill to swallow that once again my efforts aren't enough. It starts to have a real bad effect on one's self esteem when it happens again. Maybe I should be a lesbian or a nun or something instead because this man and woman thing doesn't seem to want to work for me JHC😂😭

OP posts:
LatteLover12 · 23/08/2018 08:54

Good grief. Your life will be a million times better without him there. No moaning and complaining. No worries about what you’re cooking. No constant resentment burning.

LTB & start to relax again. Good luck OP.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/08/2018 09:00

You don't need to try so hard . Your dh should be delighted with you..not your efforts. He is a horrible man to say that about dinner. That alone lets us see what a nasty piece of work he is. This is not about anything you are doing wrong. This is him. Start looking after yourself. Begin by not calling him in the morning. I wouldn't do that even for a 15 year old with a Summer job. I would like to see you get counselling so before you leave this guy you would have more sense of who you are and your worth. Maybe stop answering all his calls during the day saying you were busy. But to be quite honest l don't see much reason to work on a life with that horrible man.