Help... I screwed up my reference

[ILoveHumanity]

So I had a good career going on for me.. really good. Put a lot of effort in gathering good reference and doing internships. Then did masters and worked in a placement in an amazing place for 4 months.

I worked super hard but as you know my supervisor was a very last minute person and didn’t give me the important tasks until near the end of my placement.

During those 4 months I became pregnant. And then miscarried. I worked so bloody hard and was doing the best I could. But when it became for the last week where I needed to hand over my work to the next person and when the actual work was given to me .. I had miscarried that week and I was an emotional mess... I couldn’t focus.. couldn’t be organised. The amount of work was stressful and couldn’t be finished..

I got a bit pissed off that I had to come back in and finish things even though I have been wanting them to give me the work early in in my placement... but they kept delaying.

My placement finished. But I was a complete mess because it was my third miscarriage.. and got pregnant a month and a half after and became very antisocial... my mind was not with me so I didn’t endy placement in an impressively way and my hand over was a mess...

At that point I wasnted to leave and grieve.. and when I was pregnant I wanted to be alone ...

Now I gave birth ... I really regret things .. I’m so embarsssd to ask for a reference if I want to apply for a new job because I feel I didn’t perform as best as I could and I feel I disappointed my supervisor at the last meeting and didn’t end up finishing whatever she wanted me to finish because it was way after I had left the placement and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.

I really need her good reference though ...

What can I do ? Any advice ?

Did your supervisor know about your miscarriage? It likely all seems worse to you than it was. Congratulations on your baby

Yes my supervisor knew about my miscarriage and she offered me to take sick leave but I was co-supervised. She offered me to take sick leave but I didn’t want to because I worked in research and it was my final 2 weeks and I didn’t have much results and didn’t want to leave without a good impression...

I do feel however I worked very very hard but emotionally wore myself out and didn’t actually end up giving any good impression with the hand over notes as I had little energy for them.

I don’t feel it’s exaggerated in my head. Basically I was a bit crammed for time so I didn’t write down in neat way I was doing I kept the papers flying .. and then when it came down to doing so in the end I lost half of my notes ..

I feel embarrassed except I knew how hard I worked and that the outcome doesn’t represent that at all..

And I feel like I left with a mess behind

Just email or talk to your old supervisor, if she knows what was happening then I'm sure she will realise the last two weeks were not representative.

She will have seen how good your work was for the first 3 and a half months, so just ask if she feels able to give you a positive reference based on that.

An employer is very unlikely to give a negative reference (even if you deserved one - which you don't)

Instead, it'll probably be a one liner.
" ___ worked for us between Feb and August 2018."

Don't panic yet.