dd feels like the odd one out of the family because of her appearance

[noprobllamas]

I wasn't really sure where to post this but 10 year old DD spent the last week at the seaside with my parents. As they were dropping her off yesterday my mum tells me DD has told her she doesn't feel like she belongs or fits into the family (as in me, DP and her younger sister) because she doesn't look the same as us. we're mixed race and have darker skin, hair and eyes. I'm half indian, making her 1/4 indian however you wouldn't really be able to tell by looking at her. She looks just like her dad and not much like me (DP isn't her biological dad but he is DD2's), blonde hair, green eyes, quite pale skin. DP is half Egyptian and quarter Libyan. She didn't want to tell me about this which I'm surprised about, she normally tells me if something's bothering her. I'm worried if I speak to her about it she may be upset with my mum that told me since it was supposed to be something between them. But also I'm not really sure what I'd say honestly but I don't want to just forget about this

I would maybe bring it up by perhaps looking at photos of your DD and her Dad and say things like ‘oh look how much like daddy you are’ etc and see if that prompts anything. You could also pick on some of the characteristics you share with her - same smile, habits, way of walking etc and comment in those. I agree with you that you shouldn’t tell her that your mum has spoken to you about it.

Sorry OP I’m assuming that your DD has a good relationship with her Dad so she would actually like to hear that she takes after him lookswise but that she (hopefully) shares other characteristics with you etc.

She doesn't have a particularly bad relationship with him but they aren't very close because he's lived abroad since she was 4 so she only sees him every few months or so

I’m in a similar position to your dd (mixed race mum and a pale red headed dad Stepdad is also mixed race so siblings are much darker complexion than me. I was regularly asked if I was adopted). She’s at an age where constant reassurance is needed, but dad needs to get involved to (if circumstances allowed). Having my dad point out the similarities between me and my mum and siblings always helped.

Sorry I don't have any helpful suggestions for you. Just wanted to say I was similar to your DD. My mum has asian heritage but I look just like my dad, pale, blonde, blue eyes. They spilt up when I was a baby and she had my half brother who is a miniature male version of my mum. Step dad and step sis are tanned with dark hair. There's a family picture when I was a teen are they are all wearing white (not intentional) and I'm wearing black and it looks like a stranger has just popped up on the end. I can't remember how I felt at 10 but as a teen I thought it was funny and used to make a joke about it. I have my mum's sense of humour and mannerisms so she used to reassure me a lot that I am very much like her.

I wouldn’t let on you know. But just subtly mention things she gets from you or has in common with her sister. If it helps make it more about inside things like tastes or talents rather than appearance.

This is a tough one. How do you get on with DD's school? The teacher in me thinks there could be a very interesting lesson about looks, inheritance, genes - but I teach teenagers.

One of my friends, I didn't know her when her daughter was little, but she is black and her dd is white. If she was called into school people assumed she was the step mother.

There have been a couple of interesting documentaries, one was about twins where one is black and the other is white, it explored the experience in a positive way. And one person your dd may find interesting was someone who grew up in a family with no one who looked like her, but now has a child who does and one who looks like the rest of her family. Unfortunately IT'S NO LONGER AVAILABLE ON THE bbc

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01606sk

Sorry for the caps, the cat was trying to help - I'll see if I can find it elsewhere.

Found it - it's 4 years ago so I hope I remembered it correctly.

3 of my dc are very pale blonde blue eyed like dh, i'm olive skinned and blonde, dd1 is olive skinned and brown/auburn haired.

I had never really though of her feeling like the odd one out as she had never said anything until recently when a stranger commented on it quite rudely infront of her.

I spoke with her and reassured her that she is like me, just darker. I've now dyed my hair darker...

Not very helpful i know.