Alcoholic ILs

[ThreadKillar]

MIL rings and texts me drunk. In the middle of the day. She has gone down to three days a week at work and now sits at home and drinks I think.

A couple of years ago there was a horrible incident where DH, me, mil and fil met up in the middle of the country for a couple of days (to save anyone having to do the whole journey). FIL got so drunk he passed out in our room on the bed. MIL wasn’t much better. DH and I basically sat up half the night while they snored and slept and vomited in the morning.

Never again.

After that they seemed to get better. MIL particularly was embarrassed about that incident and on the three occasions that we’ve seen them since they haven’t drunk in our presence, though FIL has one or two beforehand, you can tell.

Anyway, MIL is drinking in the day now. She’s just rung, it’s not even noon, and she’s slurring. DH says she’ll be “topping up” from the night before when she wakes up, he’s seen her do it.

I don’t want to have any contact with them anymore. Alcoloholism is a good enough reason to keep away isn’t it?

They are your DH's parents. What does he think? Do you have children that you take to see them?

Pregnant with first now. Tbh I think DH doesn’t want to see them but doesn’t want to make the decision. I have said to him before that if he stops contact but tries to say (to himself) it’s because of me, I will not be happy. It has to be his own decision.

It's up to DH.
You can do what you wish.
Alcoholism is awful. I understand why you are not interested. I have some in the family and have struggled myslf in the past.

It sounds like they are making an effort to be reasonable when they see you so it's not like they're oblivious or horrible people or anything - I suspect they know they have issues. Which is up to them to deal with.

If I were you given they've not been shouty / sweary / abusive just inappropriately pissed I'd not be closing down all contact just yet. That's me though, it's very personal.

Do you think I should?

I could try but they are deniers, they’ll say they don’t drink a lot lol!

It sounds like they are making an effort to be reasonable when they see you so it's not like they're oblivious or horrible people or anything

I think they made the effort after the hotel incident but only because we only saw them for three hours or so at a time. And even then they’d be staring at people drinking as we walked past.

But MIL is ringing me drunk now and she isn’t particularly nice, she’s calling her sister a bitch though I can’t understand what for as she’s too slurry.

I'd certainly stop answering the phone to her. She probably won't remember ringing anyway! I also wouldn't want to take my child to see them if they are out of control drunk. Perfectly reasonable for you to tell DH that.

Let DH do what he wants to do, but tell him you are having no more contact with them, and neither will your future child.

It hadn't occurred to me that she wouldn’t remember ringing 😲. That just answers a lot of questions, thank you!

Speaking from my own experienceon the other side as an alcoholic (sober).

You are right not to have contact, whether your dh decides the same is up to him.

From my experience, those in my life that told me why they didn't want to see me (I already knew, was living in denial), whilst it didn't stop me drinking, it certainly hammered home to me that other people were noticing my problem whilst me being the deceitful, lying alcoholic that I was at the time, thought I was masking it quite well - - deluded-- (I had to realise my problem and work at my sobriety for me, not just stop drinking - big difference between stopping drinking and being sober in my view).

If you or your dh are going to be wondering when visiting if you will arrive to drunk or sober relatives, then you need to shield yourself from that by not visiting at all until you can see they are actively working on their sobriety.

This is only from my experience so may not be relevant though

Screen her calls. I screen my mother who is invariably pissed by 6. I phone her during the day at weekends to try to ward off her calls.