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Original poster

Five year old son - not sure what's normal

24 replies

Sailorsgirl44 · 19/08/2018 15:01

I have 3 kids - oldest and youngest are well behaved. My middle child can be very difficult.

He is sometimes good but at other times I find him hard work. Today he got into a bad mood (his sister was playing with his younger brother and I think he felt left out) - I tried to include him but he spoke in a very mean way to me.... saying he was going to ruin my birthday (next week). I said how his words made me sad but he then spat at me. I sent him to his room.

We were on holiday a few weeks ago and he would often refuse to get into the swimming pool or demand to go home early in the evening. It's so unfair on the rest of us.

He has taken to saying things like 'I'll put you in prison' or 'I want you to leave this house' or how he wishes he didn't have a brother, etc. He even said yesterday 'I'll kill you until your dead'. My other two have never said anything like this.

He is starting school soon and I'm worried about him. And I'm sad that whenever there is a problem in the easy going dynamic of our family it is always him. He picks fights and is rude regularly.

I wish I could say he is going through a phase but he has always been more difficult to parent than his siblings. Not sure what I'm asking here but I feel very sad today.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 15:02

Look up Autisum

lljkk · 19/08/2018 15:09

It's normal for each kid to present unique challenges. How does he react when you say "That's not a nice thing to say" and "People won't like you for saying something that horrible, you should say nice things instead" ? To some extent, Ignore him for saying awful things & fawn over him when he's being lovely.

MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:11

Hi. I'm a support worker for children and adults with learning disabilities like autism, Down syndrome etc, I have had many children and adults with autism and their kick offs are verbal. Very scary personal Insults, I had one young girl who said she was going to rape my daughter and slice my mums throat. Be be mindful that they don't mean it and it's the chemical imbalance of their brain and once wound up so to speak they don't know what they are saying and are often very remorseful afterwards. I'd definitely get it looked into so you can all recieve the help you need xx

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Sirzy · 19/08/2018 15:16

A lot of that just sounds like children pushing the boundaries.

With regards the swimming/wanting to go back early - when for any of us things like that aren’t fun if your not in the mood so to get no say will be frustrating!

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/08/2018 15:23

Look up Autisum and your basis for that diagnosis is what?

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:24

Autism? Good grief!

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:25

Of course we all know that autistic five year olds are rude and spit 🙄

Fireballfriends · 19/08/2018 15:32

My 5 year old is exactly the same and his siblings are completely different. I know that doesn't help and I've no advice but just letting you know, it's not just you. It's hard.

MonsterKidz · 19/08/2018 15:36

I have a 4 year old who also says things along those lines. You’re not alone. I know he gets them from video games he plays with older brother.

HazelBite · 19/08/2018 15:36

Ds and Ddil have adopted a 6 yr old who has exactly the same sort of behaviour, they atr finding it very tough to deal with and the Social workers etc say its all down to early trauma, nrglect etc. He has been assessed for autism and they say no

3WildOnes · 19/08/2018 15:43

Plenty of children with no special needs go through phases like this. One of mine is much more difficult to parent. He is more sensitive, more anxious, more demanding and prone to angry outbursts. He has become less anxious as he has got older and his behaviour has improved massively.

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 19/08/2018 15:58

My DD can be quite mean at times. She is a joy on her own but she can be very difficult around her siblings. She doesn't want to share me. I get a lot of "you're not my friend" and "I don't love you". She pushes her brother a lot and will find ways to hurt him (not serious injuries but enough to upset him). She picks fights. She can be rude and she often confesses to things that I KNOW she didn't do because she wants attention. She hasn't been neglected or abused but she doesn't get 100% of my attention 100% of the time.

What is your DS like on his own? I took DD out this morning just the two of us while DH took the younger 2 to the park. We had a great time. She's happily playing board games with DH and DS now while I have a lie down with DD2. It's a constant cycle of needy behaviour and we do our best to give her as much one to one time as we can.... hopefully it's a phase!

Original poster

Sailorsgirl44 · 19/08/2018 15:59

I don't think he's autistic although I suppose I can't rule it out... the preschool teachers just said it was the way he was. I honestly think it's his personality - he's just really different to myself and my husband. And my other two.

I try to treat them the same but the other two hardly ever give me any reason to get cross with them. And then when I have to tell him off he'll say that I'm always being mean to him - I think he's see's himself as a victim.

My husband is downstairs now trying to reason him and get him to understand how upset I am about his behaviour. And my son doesn't care that he has upset me and at best I might get a muttered apology - is this normal?

OP posts:

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 19/08/2018 16:03

I have to say I have a DS with ASD and while he was challenging at 5, you haven't mentioned any red flags that would make me worry about autism.

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 19/08/2018 16:03

And my son doesn't care that he has upset me and at best I might get a muttered apology - is this normal?

I think they are still pretty egocentric at 5 tbh. Their feelings still override everything. He'll love you more than anyone else in the world but he can't really care about your wellbeing yet.

Original poster

Sailorsgirl44 · 19/08/2018 16:04

He is much better on his own - but largely because there isn't anyone to to fight. There aren't any kids his age living close by so perhaps we'll see a big difference when he starts school. But there is no way I could leave him at someone's house for a play date - I couldn't rely on him to be nice for even an hour.

OP posts:

1981m · 19/08/2018 16:22

My 5 yo is very like this and I have posted on here about him. I sympathise as it's very hard. He's harder than my 3 yo to parent and is just plain hard work a lot of the time. He too is rude, demanding and doesn't seem to care about any consequences. Before he went to school it was a very hard time and I found myself not wanting to spend any time with him. I think he's worse than an average 5 yo or the ones we've spent time with anyway.

He pushes my buttons and knows it. He's very Attention seeking and whiny. Sounds like your dc is the same. The strategies I find work best, but not all the time, are to distract by trying to change the subject, make something fun, let him ride out his tantrum rather than arguing with him or go against him- as a consequence I have noticed they don't last nearly as long. The best strategy I found is to try and be sympathetic to his feelings and acknowledge them, without giving into what he wants. Hard but I am working on it and again I find it helps snap
Him out of it much better than getting frustrated with him and fighting against it as I used to.

1981m · 19/08/2018 16:25

Ps- it gets sooooo much better when they go to school. You get a break and so do they. They grow up loads. My ds is still challenging but he's a lot better and is hard work less frequently. He's an absolute angel
At school and with other family members but very hard for me and dh at home.

Original poster

Sailorsgirl44 · 19/08/2018 20:49

Thanks for responses - hopefully starting school will help him develop a lot.

OP posts:

Ilovecrumpets · 19/08/2018 21:00

Hi OP

Just to say my DS 6 is like this ( and sadly is at school!). It wasn’t until I had my youngest that I realised quite how much more difficult he was. Like others he is much better on his own. He is better at school but can be challenging there.

I’d agree with 1981 that letting him ride out the tantrums and acknowledging them seems to help a little. I think maybe kids who are a bit socially immature but anxious can be like this? He is seeing someone for other reasons and she mentioned that children who are quite intelligent for their age, but less socially mature than their age often are like this - they are bright enough to know what to say/act but don’t have the maturity to match it. So it sounds much more deliberate and calculated than it is? The advice I was given was to respond to behaviour as you would to a much younger child.

It’s hard though

1981m · 19/08/2018 21:40

I agree with ilovecamps my ds is pretty intelligent (I think) but is very emotionally immature, which I blame myself for. I think that the fact he's bright makes it harder as he's able to argue and answer back so much and use what you've said against you. I think it also means he questions things more than a more plassive child might.

I make the mistake of being a bit tough love With ds when he was younger and would get frustrated with him easily and just try and reason with him and talk to him too much about it or be strict and expect him to snap
Out of it or give him time out to deal with it alone. I ve learnt over time this doesn't work he needs me to leave him alone to calm when asked but needs me to acknowledge his feelings, not necessarily agreeing with them, to calm down and then is more accepting of my decision.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 19/08/2018 21:56

I just knew someone would say autism for fucks sake. My 5 year old is autistic and it sounds like your DS is just trying to rule the roost tbh. For what it's worth, my 4 year old is NOT autistic and is more like this, wants everything her way, kicks off as soon as she doesn't get everything her way, has spit at times and can lash out. We went shopping once and she kicked off because she didn't want us to put something in our basket, she kicked off hitting screaming I just took her outside and ignored her, she's 4!

Ilovecrumpets · 19/08/2018 22:41

1981 that’s interesting I feel like I made a similar mistake with mine when he was younger ( partly because I listened to people telling me I was ‘too soft’). He also needs acknowledging - even though at times it is hard to remember to do that.

So frustrating as he can be such a lovely boy and actually very perceptive of how others feel. I hope he will mature into himself!

1981m · 20/08/2018 08:50

Ilovecrumpets- totally, hope my ds grows up and it goes too. It's so hard until he does. Everything is a battle and he makes simple things such hard work. We clash so much so it doesn't help. I admit I don't really understand him yet, he's very complicated. For instance he went to bed really nicely last night for dh but right when it was time for dh to walk out the room he starts demanding something which dh says no to and then kicks off. He falls to the floor and does this pretend crying and wailing. He just spoils things for himself. I feel an average child would be happy he got rewards on his chart for going to bed nicely and then fall asleep happy but he pushes for more every time.

One of the hardest things I find is he doesn't seem to acknowledge how others are feeling, never says sorry unless asked to and will not take responsibility for anything, everything is someone else's fault.

I was told by others I was soft, I wouldn't let my dc speak to me like that etc and just when the behaviour starting getting bad I had dd so dropped the ball significantly and wasn't consistent enough. I would let him get away with things because I was so tired of dealing with him and was just trying to get through the days with two under 3's but at the same time sometimes was super strict and wasn't addressing or stopping to think about his feelings and why he was behaving like that.

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