Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Not sure about this. Need independent opinions.

21 replies

Weedworrier · 19/08/2018 14:20

NC.

I really don’t know what I feel about this and would just like some perspective and other people’s opinions to help me see straight. I don’t know if this matters or not.

DP of 4 years recently went to a work trip to Amsterdam (about 2 months ago). 5 days away - had a good time - lots of successful work completed. Yesterday I was telling him that a friend is off to Amsterdam soon and he casually mentioned that he had smoked a spliff whilst out there.

Background - he was a bit of a pothead at uni (got kicked out) and his early 20s. Now in his early 40s - very clean living - good diet, moderate beer intake, runnng, cycling, gym etc. He has never had any children.

I am 50 and have always avoided illegal substances. I like a few drinks but have never had a drag of a fag because I just never wanted to. I am not a prude and am open-minded about most things. My DCs are adults and don’t live here and we will not be having any DCs together as I am post-menopausal.

I don’t know why it’s bothering me.

Am I jealous that I’ve missed out on something? Am I afraid that it’s going to become habitual?

I said “Oh, you didn’t mention that before.” He said “Well I didn’t think it was relevant to anything.” I said “ Well, actually I think it is.”

It wasn’t a row and we just carried on talking about other things but it’s stayed with me and I can’t settle to it.

How would you feel? Am I being a bit silly? Is it a big deal? I don’t know why I can’t just say “Oh, ok” and forget it.

What do you think?

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 19/08/2018 14:22

wouldnt bother me

SoyDora · 19/08/2018 14:28

I have never taken any form of illegal substance or smoked and this wouldn’t bother me. Then again DH has never done anything like that either so I would be a bit surprised!
Unless you think it’s going to be a slippery slope back to being a ‘pot head’ then I can’t see what the issue is.

starzig · 19/08/2018 14:28

I don't think it's a big deal either. If he is clean living now, 1 joint on a work jaunt isn't going to turn him back into a waster.

TwitterQueen1 · 19/08/2018 14:29

I've never had a spliff or drugs of any kind (excepting alcohol and cigarettes in my younger days) but I think I'm probably in a very small minority. No, it wouldn't bother me at all. And in Amsterdam I think it's very open and normal?

Seems a bit of a massive over-reaction to something very minor. You say yourself you don't know why it's bothering you... I'm probably way off beam here but could it be an age thing? He's acting like a 'young' person, you're disapproving. He has no DCs, yours are adult.

AntiHop · 19/08/2018 14:30

I don't think it's a big deal. He didn't go on a bender. It's legal there. If he continued back home, I'd be worried.

Teaandcrisps · 19/08/2018 14:32

Nope - don't see the problem.

Singlenotsingle · 19/08/2018 14:36

You're being silly. Go away and polish your

TooOldForThisWhoCares · 19/08/2018 14:36

It's obviously triggered anxiety that he might return to that state. But 20 years is a long time ago and his current lifestyle suggests it's highly unlikely.

Unless you feel he is hiding the extent to which he imbibed or you have other worries that he has an addictive personality then try to let it go.

curlies · 19/08/2018 14:38

It's not an "illegal drug" in Amsterdam so he hasn't broken the law, he's smoked before and it was only one. I don't think you need to let it bother you at all. It's been done and I think you'd be silly to let it affect your relationship. I thought I was going to read that he'd visited a prostitute so you've dodged that bullet at least!

FlappyFeet · 19/08/2018 14:39

You're being daft. Sorry.

Slimmingsnake · 19/08/2018 14:43

Are you looking for a way out of the relationship? You don't a reason to end it .

AllStar14 · 19/08/2018 15:01

This wouldn't bother me at all. He was in Amsterdam for goodness sake, it would be weird not to! I hope you can figure out why it's still on your mind but he has done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Weedworrier · 19/08/2018 16:15

Thank you all.

I think perhaps I feel like I’ve missed out on an experience. I never did it when younger and won’t have any of this sort of opportunity now. DP will be going to Amsterdam regularly for work so will be able to do this whenever he likes.

OP posts:

w4ytoomuch · 19/08/2018 16:23

Go with him! Have a toke of a spliff orrrrr maybe a lil hashcake. Then visit the museums and go on a canal boat. Unclench, enjoy!

Original poster

Weedworrier · 19/08/2018 16:27

He goes there with work so it’s not a thing I’m involved with. Maybe I’m jealous because my work is so bloody boring. People lose their shit at my place if the wrong kind of teabags get bought.

OP posts:

happinessischocolate · 19/08/2018 16:28

I'd be more surprised if someone went to Amsterdam and didn't smoke pot, especially if they'd smoked it before. Go with him next time, loads of my colleagues go to Amsterdam every year for a conference and several wives and partners go too, it's a fantastic place.

Original poster

Weedworrier · 20/08/2018 06:32

Thank you all. Common sense is now prevailing in my head.

Those suggesting that I go with DP next time - it’s a work thing. The company aren’t going to pay for me to tag along, doing nothing!

Is going along with DPs a common thing? What about your own jobs?

OP posts:

DryIce · 20/08/2018 06:38

Work don't pay for it, but in my industry partners often jooknip with people on business trips by flying over themselves before or after the work part - best to do around the weekend.

Work is already paying for the hotel, so doesn't matter if you crash, and my work don't mind if you love your return ticket to a Sunday or something - it's often cheaper for them.

Go for a weekend in Amsterdam with him after his finished his business. You guys will have a lovely time!

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 20/08/2018 06:40

I wouldn't worry about it op, I've been to Amsterdam and smoked a spliff and had a space cake and it's so 'normal there' just like us going into a pub or cafe for a drink but instead it's for some pot.

Maybe try and book yourselves a weekend there and go sightseeing as it is a lovely city.

DianaT1969 · 20/08/2018 06:43

it’s a work thing. The company aren’t going to pay for me to tag along, doing nothing!

If he's keen, join him for a weekend either side.You pay for your own flight and use his room on Thurs/Fri for example. Pay to keep the room on yourselves for the Sat.
You let him go off and do his work thing during the day whilst you go sightseeing.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/08/2018 07:09

My DH used to travel for work and I used to go along sometimes, taking annual leave or just for a weekend. It was just an excuse for a weekend away. It wasn't particularly expensive and DH would be able to save on his travel but we'd pay for mine and for the hotel over the weekend (or any extra for having the two of us instead of one during his work week). We had some great weekends. If your DH isn't keen then find a friend or pull on your big girl knickers and arrange a weekend away just for yourself when he isn't there. Try it out. You have plenty of time to try things you haven't done yet. Just because you didn't do something in your 20s doesn't mean you can't do it now.

Also, Amsterdam is a really beautiful city and well worth visiting even if you don't smoke a joint.

Flip