Colleague ruins every night out! Wwyd?

[Kartrashian]

Brief background. We became friends quite quickly, then I saw how bitchy he was and how he’d talked about me etc and I didn’t want to be friends after that. TWO YEARS AGO.

Each time we go out as a department, he gets ridiculously drunk and upsets people, is extremely touchy, grinding on people, kissing them, starting arguments, crying that certain people hate him.

He always corners me and cries that he wants to be my friend again, raking over old ground ... and I just can’t deal with it and always make my excuses and leave.

I’m sick of having my night ruined ... but obviously it’s awkward as I work with him so I don’t want there to be a bad atmosphere

Btw he’s gay, so it’s not like he’s harbouring a secret love for me.

You say he does this when very drunk - does he remember afterwards how he has behaved?

Yes I believe so.

After one such event where he made a total of 3 people leave because of his actions ... he looked very embarrassed walking in on Monday morning.

How often do you go out as a dept?

If you go on work nights out, they are effectively an extension of the workplace. So either (a) you have to stop having work nights out or (b) he needs to be reported to, and dealt with by, management for his behaviour in exactly the same way as if he did it in the office. Unwanted sexual advances and harassing colleagues are pretty serious behaviours.

I think straight talking is the best approach. Tell him that he is spoiling the occasion for everyone else and his behaviour is becoming offensive. Unwanted grinding/touching/kissing of work colleagues could land him with a harassment grievance.

It sounds like he’s addicted to drama and wants to be the centre of attention on every night out. In my friendship group growing up we had a friend of a friend that did that for years...ruined her best friend’s engagement party, always had to start fights with strangers or would cry about something irrelevant dramatically. She grew out of it about age 30!

You can’t change him, until he sorts his life out (if he ever does!) this is what’s going to happen. You need to find a way of not engaging with the drama. Broken record technique when you are approached helps... “I’d prefer not to get into that now. I just want to enjoy my night out.” or “You do this every time we all go out. Can you stop it? It’s ruining every night out”. Rinse and repeat over and over until he sees he’s getting no drama from you. Avoid him if possible, “Sorry, just on my way to the loo/for a smoke/to chat to my friend that I’ve just spotted.” Deflect. If everyone does that then he’ll get no attention and either stop going or look at his ways and change.

I’ve got a hobby that you can get badly hurt doing. On my first week I saw a woman lying on the floor screaming but not moving. I rushed over to help and asked if we needed a first aider/ambulance. Someone threw their arm in front of my chest and said “Nah. That’s just Julie being Julie. Ignore.” Sure enough it happens every single time and we all get on with things and Julie is fine and we are fine. I’ve noticed the one person who always sympathetically gets involved is basically constantly harassed by Julie on social media, in real life etc etc. Moral of the story...keep your distance, don’t be too nice and don’t get sucked into the drama bubble.

Don't invite him next time.

I think I will speak to my manager about it because it’s events that he can’t be excluded from ... open invites to leaving dos and Christmas department meal etc

Speak to him directly if you can. If you speak to your manager it will go on his record and yours.

My record? ... it really wouldn’t. There’s also no talking to him beforehand because it goes out the window as soon as he starts downing drinks.

Slightly different, but I have a friend like this. She drinks to excess every time we go out, meaning we have to help her home. She'll forget what she was talking about and so we have the same conversation again and again.

I've now distanced myself from her and rarely go out with her, because it got very boring. She is also a drama queen.