Christmas dilemma...

[miaowwwwe]

I know, it's bloody August and I shouldn't be thinking about Christmas, but I'm aware that people start booking Christmas meals in restaurants ridiculously early!

Bit of background, MIL and FIL are lovely and we all get on very well. They are extremely selfless and do a lot for the whole family. MIL's Mum has early dementia and after her Dad passed away this has become increasingly worse, to the point that she's in a care home now. I must add that it's a very nice care home indeed and she is extremely well looked after.

GMIL gets very confused and frustrated very quickly, especially at family events. She finds it very distressing and keeps asking where her husband is. MIL is finding it extremely tough visiting her several times a week and even more so now that GMIL often doesn't recognise her.

So... MIL is really big on Christmas, she loves it. They usually book up at a fancy restaurant and take GMIL with them. However we were thinking of inviting MIL and FIL here for Christmas with the dc which they would absolutely love but not including GMIL.

I feel awful even thinking of not including her but MIL won't be able to relax, she won't be able to have a drink because GMIL won't go in a car without MIL. She wouldn't have any of it if one of us picked her up and dropped her off so that MIL can relax.
GMIL will probably find it quite distressing especially with two small, excited dc. Sadly as a result of her illness her behaviour is extremely unpredictable.

We feel awful for even considering it without GMIL but we just don't know what to do.

I'm also worried the suggestion will upset MIL because it would put her in an awkward spot with GMIL.

WWYD in this situation? I'd be grateful for any advice.

I would offer the option but fully expect them to decline. I don’t think MIL would enjoy it without her Mother.

My gm has dementia and the way we celebrate family events has changed massively over the years. Spending Christmas without my grandparents would have been inconceivable a few years ago, but now, my Nan just doesn’t cope with the big family occasion, with the noise and hustle and bustle of the children. So, she stays in her care home for the day and we go over and see her on Boxing Day. In all honesty, she doesn’t know or care if it’s christmas Day or another random day in the year. The home are brilliant, decorate the rooms and buy each resident a small gift. They have a lovely meal and the staff make it special for them, but all my Nan really wants to do is be somewhere famiiar, sat in her chair and allowed to doze through each day. For us to take her out for the day would be for us, not for her benefit.

This was what I was going to suggest. We used to do this with my ex's grandma. The home also don't think badly of you either- or if they did, they hid it well!

We had to make this decision with my mum. The first year she was in the nursing home my dad insisted on her going to my sister’s for Christmas dinner. It really confused and upset her. She thought she was going home and was very upset going back to the nursing home.

He wanted to do it the following year but we reminded him how unsettled it had made her.

It was horrible thinking of her in the home for Christmas Day but she was settled and it was less stressful for her really.

Can you visit GMIL on Christmas Day, or Christmas Eve/Boxing Day? It does sound like neither MIL nor GMIL would have a particularly good time doing the usual restaurant.

What will happen to GMIL on Xmas day? Will she be alone? That wouldn’t be nice really

Talk it through with your DMIL - you don't have to celebrate Christmas on 25th December, could you spread things out a little so that DGMIL could join in some of the celebrations but not everything?

Years ago when my DGM was in a care home we (the adult grandchildren) all went to the Home in the morning and had sherry etc with the residents and they seemed to enjoy that, we then came home and had our family meal and the Home served a Christmas meal for the residents.

When I married, my dear GM had dementia and was extremely unpredictable. We didn't invite her to the wedding; she didn't know about it. It hurt me but it was thought best for her. She was quite far gone by that time so I like to believe it was a kindness to her.

Perhaps your husband could gently say to his mother that you would both love them (parents) to come to your home for Christmas Day to be with the children but were concerned about what would be best for granny and then you'd get a sense for how she (mil) felt about it. It's tricky but I am sure you will find a way to meet everyone's needs somehow. You sound very caring.