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Original poster

Christening dilemma

21 replies

TheArtfulScreamer · 18/08/2018 16:35

My DH brother and his girlfriend had a baby in April that they have just arranged a Christening for a date in mid September. We are not particularly close although DH does speak to his bro most weeks and we see them every few weeks when they visit the grandparents who we live a few doors away from so we pop up to say hello (they drive past our house to get to grandparents but would never occur to them call in on us, it's fine we rarely visit them they live an hour plus away but just mentioned to give idea of relationship). The weekend of the Christening happens to coincide with a weekend when I have a long term arrangement to return to my home town for a close friends 40th and to catch up with friends and family who I do not see often as I now live with my DH in the village he was born in. When I have mentioned to MIL we have plans that weekend but it's not essential DH attends with me so he can stay home to attend Christening she has been quite rude and flown off the handle at me this is not unusual she is quite over bearing, controlling, interfering and likes everyone to dance and sing to her tune albeit she has a lot of good qualities and her hearts in the right place. I have messaged my SIL to explain my predicament and have said if she wants me to change my plans I will do as I don't want to upset and offend her but I'm struggling to make an objective decision as MIL has pissed me off so I kind of want to stick to my plans as a fuck you to her interference but I accept this is childish and not fair to BIL and SIL. SIL has said it's my decision and she'll not be offended.
So I guess my question is WWYD would you change your plans for the sake of family harmony and putting family first or would you stick with your original plans as you're not that close, you're not godparent and have made reasonable adjustment for the actual blood relation to attend.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheArtfulScreamer · 18/08/2018 16:38

Sorry for the epic post and my reference to not being God parent wasn't in a teddy out of the pram way more of in I'm not an essential attendee kind of way

OP posts:

mollyblack · 18/08/2018 16:38

It's very short notice to be invited to a christening. I'd say you're sorry you have a prior engagement but your DH would be delighted to attend and you wish them all the best.

HirplesWithHaggis · 18/08/2018 16:41

Yup, DH can go to the Christening, you attend your previous engagement. SIL doesn't mind.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think christenings trump 40ths, sorry. What's the food and entertainment laid on for each event? Presumably christening is all free while 40th will cost you - that would have a bearing on my decision too

GreenShadow · 18/08/2018 16:57

Depends on the Christening.
Until I discovered MN, I always thought Christenings tended to be small intimate family affairs. Now they seem to be becoming more and more like weddings!

In my family, going to the friends party wouldn't be an issue especially if that was a prior booking (different if the Christening invite had arrived first).

TittyGolightly · 18/08/2018 16:58

I think christenings trump 40ths, sorry.

I don’t attend christenings.

What's the food and entertainment laid on for each event? Presumably christening is all free while 40th will cost you - that would have a bearing on my decision too

Wow. Grabby, much?!

Aprilshowersinaugust · 18/08/2018 16:59

Stick to your plan to see friend. Send dh to his family occasion.

Wheelerdeeler · 18/08/2018 17:00

My bil wife missed our sons christening as she went to her home town for a 40th. No big deal to us.

meditrina · 18/08/2018 17:00

I think you go to the party, and DH goes to the Christening.

The wording suggested by mollyblack is good.

Frazzled2207 · 18/08/2018 17:01

You have a prior engagement. Christening is short notice. This is a bit of a non-argument.

MaisyPops · 18/08/2018 17:07

I always thought christening were small family events often performed as part of the normal Sunday service (that is how we do it at our church anyway).

If you're not an essential participant and have a prior engagement then I'd be sticking to my plans.

Are the family regular churchgoers? (I only ask because the only people I know who have made a huge event of a christening are people who don't attend church).

gingergnome · 18/08/2018 17:43

Are any of the family especially religious? If so, as you are close family, I would feel obliged to go. If it’s just a casual family christening ‘because it’s what you do’ then I’d go with the prior engagement.
No way at all you could split yourself in two (even if it meant an overnighter with your friend either day before of day after?) or would that be too much faff?

TittyGolightly · 18/08/2018 18:03

Are any of the family especially religious? If so, as you are close family, I would feel obliged to go.

So the OP should ditch a long standing arrangement with a mate because of the religious beliefs/choices of a member of her husband’s family? Bonkers.

I’m atheist. If anyone in DH’s family wants to christen a child that’s up to them. I don’t agree with it so I certainly wouldn’t ditch a friend to witness it.

Original poster

TheArtfulScreamer · 19/08/2018 11:07

Thanks ladies we aren't a particularly religious family and as above poster said the Christening is just because that's what you do so I think I'm going to stick with my long standing prior arrangements and send my DH along. I just wanted to test the water on the internet to see what the general consensus was and if I was being unreasonable but couldn't see it and given that most of you were perfectly understanding of the situation I don't feel to bad about not going. MIL will just have to shove it and mind her own interference.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 19/08/2018 11:11

I’d stick with my prior arrangements.
I can’t believe a PP would make a decision based on whether there was going to be free food and drink or not

Justkeeprollingalong · 20/08/2018 21:49

Go to the 40th, husband can represent you at the Christening. Free food and drink? I think PP should have kept that one in their head 😂

Moussemoose · 20/08/2018 21:52

As long as your DH goes that's fine. My DP often attends his family events on his own if I am busy.

Iloveacurry · 20/08/2018 21:58

Stick to your plans and go to your friend’s 40th. Your DH can go to the christening.

MumUnderTheMoon · 02/09/2018 22:30

I wouldn't change a long standing arrangement for a christening I wasn't at either of my nieces and no one cared and they still love me. You MIL is being daft your OH can go and if anyone asks he can just tell the truth. You already had plans.

eggsandwich · 03/09/2018 11:05

Unless they’ve asked you to be godparent I’d go to the Christening, if not go to the pre planned 40th you’re have more fun and a good catch up, if Mil doesn’t like it tough titty the decision is yours to make and I’m sure your dh is quite capable of attending on his own.

BiddyPop · 03/09/2018 11:25

You have a prior commitment to go to your DF's 40th.

DH doesn't need to go to that. So he can go to the christening.

But as you have already committed to going, quite apart from the fact that it is a good chance to catch up with your friends in your home town (as you moved to be with DH and are missing out on that), it would be rude to cancel just because you have another offer that day.

If DSIL is ok with you not going but that her DH's DB will still be there on behalf of the family, and that you will be part of the DCs life in general, then I think it would be fine to miss out on this particular occasion, especially as it is short notice and you already had a prior commitment.

Maybe make an effort to do something directly with DBIL and DSIL and the DC within the next month or so - not necessarily involving DMIL - to be able to spend time with them instead, if that's possible.

Families don't always live in each other's pockets and cannot always do everything, but they try to maintain relations in general and if you can do that with DBIL's family, especially if separate to a DMIL who may be into manipulating you all, then that is so much better in the long run.

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