Help me decide what to do with my life. No pressure ;)

[NewDirectionNeeded]

Hi,

In short, I'm a 34 year old SAHM with fluctuating MH issues and anxiety, who has never had a career.

I left school with nothing, other than horrible memories, due to my MH. Had a complete mental breakdown at 12 and left school completely at the age of 14. I went to college at 16 and studied Business Administration. I studied to level 3, which apparently is equivalent to GCSE and A level but still, these are the only qualifications I have. I have had a few jobs, but didn't enjoy any of them really and my anxiety always got in the way and ruined any real chance of real progression.

I haven't worked in 12 years and I'm genuinely embarrassed to admit that. My daughter is nearly in high school, so I really don't have any excuse, other than my MH and my absolutely frazzled self confidence.

I honestly don't know where my talents lie..if anywhere! I have lost all self belief and have basically been hiding for, what feels like, forever.

I am married and my DP earns good money, so I don't need to work, but recently I think I'm starting to find some motivation and some real longing to discover myself. I have never really been independent and as I say, have just hidden myself away, not wanting to expose my flaws maybe. I often feel stupid and basically, like a massive failure.

I want that to change. I want to actually be proud of myself and be a real role model for my dd and contribute financially for a change.

Problem is, I am so far out the loop, I really don't know where to start. I don't really know what it is I want to do. I just want to feel inspired and honestly, I have never felt like that.

If anyone has any tips or have been or are in the same boat, please share. I really would appreciate any advice anyone has on how to take the next step.

I don't want to lose another decade being afraid of putting myself out there.

Thanks for reading.

Have you thought about volunteering? Trying something you like the idea of but in less pressure way than applying for jobs yet? Might be the way to get some ideas.

Yes- I was going to suggest volunteering. You have to commit- but you can choose what you commit to. You may find that if you can concentrate more on the people or cause you are helping, then you forget your own insecurities. Quite often in the voluntary sector you will find mentors who will train, support and encourage you.
Be kind to yourself. Start gently.
Could you do a few hours a week in a charity shop? Would an animal sanctuary be of interest? Could you help out with reading in a primary school? Hospital visitor? Dip your toe in and see how it goes before considering your next move.

Ditto volunteering or pop along to a college open day to chat about an Access to HE course, part-time short courses, maths/English. Have a look around your local area for part time work ie shops to get into the swing of working.

Thanks everyone! Sorry for the delay.

I think volunteering is a good idea, yes.

I guess I just really wanted to find out what it is I'm good at, because I really don't have a clue.

I had a therapist a couple of years ago and she thinks I've just not allowed myself to dream. Like I've subconsciously shut off opportunities. I'm naturally quite a negative person and I tend to assume things are more likely to go wrong than right (so perhaps not a motivational speaker then ) I think my mind set needs changing, if possible.

I can relate to the not dreaming bit; I've just been hanging on day to day or crisis to crisis for the last several years. In the last 12 months I've started to just a little get ideas and dreams for my own future and only then realised that that is something that has been missing from my life.

I agree that looking around at volunteering opportunities and trying things out would be a very good starting point. Don't pressure yourself into "I've got to find a career from this", start from, I want to try doing some different things and see if I can "give something back" or "find out what I enjoy".

Very best wishes!

I've just started doing a bit of volunteering. I like it as less pressure and it helps with getting match fit, helps both mentally and physically.

Pick something or somewhere with a bit of support.

There's a website that lists local opportunities. Red Cross have lots of different roles...

www.gov.uk/government/get-involved/take-part/volunteer

I can completely relate to your experience. I had my dc young and if I'm honest I think it was partly as a way of getting out of having to be a person! I didn't work for 8 years. I've now had a job for four years but I don't particularly enjoy it and my confidence is still very low, never feel good enough etc. I'm going part time in September to try and find myself.

Like others have said volunteering is a good start, work experience with less pressure!

I could have written your post- am very similar position and children same kind of age. I'm not sure either but know would like little stress and pressure, and to be able to leave it behind (was in teaching before)

Was thinking of something self employed like cleaning but unsure if would be good or not.

Can I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by peter jones.

Id also google to see if you can find an online aptitude test. That might give you a few ideas and tell you what youre good at.

Another one for volunteering,

Doing around kids will mean you have to go through all the appropriate checks and you may have to foot the cost of this .
PP recommended self-employed cleaning, you have to be very organised to do it and insured .plus the cost of the equipment and transporting it . ( been there done that )
I would think charity shops, animal rescue centres , ( though I'd want to bring them all home )
Or dog walking ,
You have taken the 1st step though in deciding you want to do something , good for you . Dip your toe in lots of pools to see which one you want to dive into

Don't worry about finding one thing to do, try everything and do a few things, maybe sequentially. It makes life more interesting.

What about counselling or something in the youth/mental health area?

You could go back to college and do some NVQs and work with vulnerable young people? You have the life experience that would be really valuable.

Phone your local college and speak to the tutors.

Well there's lots of people here rooting for you, and excited about your future!

Can we set you some homework?

1. In the next week, have a think about what sort of volunteering you might be interested in. As PP have said, it doesn't have to be something that you'd build a career in, just something that you might enjoy, or a worthy cause that seems important to you. What causes interest you? Maybe something animal-related, or children, or cancer? Or here's an idea: maybe Mind (the mental health charity)? Would you enjoy working in a charity shop? Or sorting donations? Or doing some office admin for a charity that matters to you?

1. Also have a think about: If you did an adult education class (another excellent idea), what would you do? Again, it doesn't have to be something that leads to a career. Just something that interests you. Crafts of some sort? Some kind of sport? Drama? Art? Something health/beauty-related? Maths?

I think if you can pursue interests and discover a bit of "you" through volunteering and a class, you'll be in a really good position for the future.

Really looking forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas about your options! And maybe once you've decided on something, just give it a shot for (say) 2-3 months and then you can decide if you want to continue or try something else.

FWIW you sound very motivated and determined now. The future is bright.

Good luck!

Thanks again for all the recommendations and support etc. It really means a lot (sorry again for the delay- bit hectic here)

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I keep coming back to the same thing. When I ask myself what I genuinely enjoy doing, it's always the same- helping people. I guess with my background and personal experience, I could hopefully make a difference.

I think I was put off becoming a counsellor before, because I was told it was so competitive and I was also worried that it would bring things out in me that I maybe wanted to keep buried. The older I get though, the more I realise that I'll always have these challenges. It's just part of me, it's about learning to manage my thoughts and actually, helping others with their issues might actually help me too.

I also love make up and skin care etc, but at 34 I might have left it a bit late to get into that now

Perhaps I could combine the two A counselling make up artist?? No?

The only thing I would say is helping people with problems does deplete your own reserves over time. Looking after your own mental health is paramount. I would try by volunteering first off and see how it affects you.

How about volunteering with MIND?

If you're good with children, there's also befriending, which given your early struggles would be good for the recipient.

I think there is a way to combine your two interests- aren't there charities who do makeovers for young people with cancer or people in hospital who are feeling crap?????

There's no reason you couldn't take a college course on skin care and beauty/spa treatments. I am in the US and here you can do a short 2 year course to be a health care assistant and then could get a job in a dermatologists office for example. I have no idea if there is similar in the UK. You are not a nurse but you work in a similar environment. If you find you enjoy it you can be an esthetician. That might be more fun than the stress of being a counselor and you can open your own business.

How about?

Changing Faces

Ooh congratulations on your developing plan! As well as MIND, maybe look at options that deal with vulnerable young people (the Prince's Trust springs to mind, but I'm sure there are others).

And do makeup/skin care as an evening course?

Please keep us posted!

Hmm so maybe I could combine the two afterall

Pippy, thanks for the link. Looks very interesting.

The best thing for my mental health has been regular exercise. This lead me to do a personal trainer qualification and a pre&post natal addition. I now train individual clients and small groups.

I find that clients tend to be women from 30 - 60 and they want a woman who can relate to them. Not an 18 year old guy who spends his life in the gym. I can do as little or as much as I want.

Totally agree Momo! My PT until she retired this year was 66 and still competes very successfully in triathalons! I am 50 next month and when I recover from my current illness hope to get back to my schedule of 3 x a week weight training. It is great for clarifying my thought process and stress relief. Nothing better than feeling strong and physically capable, really builds your self confidence.

I would do a course that l enjoyed with no thought to the job at the end. One thing leads to another. So just take one step. At a course you would meet people and they would give you more ideas as you get to know them. Look up all your local courses and see if anything jumps out.
If you feel your basic education eg literacy needs a boost take some classes at adult education. I am in lreland and here the tutors theres are fab for advice and encouragement. I'm sure its the same there. Any course will build your confidence and Sept is a good time to start. If you don't already do exercise maybe join one class/ group too. The combination of exercise/ learning/ new people will start the ball roll. Good luck. You are at an exciting crossroads in your life.

The PT comments above cheer me up, as I got my qualifications but haven't done anything with them.

Which reminds me, have a look at 19+ loans, which can pay for courses and are only paid back if you earn enough, like uni student loans.