Sleep deprivation and return to work after maternity leave

[HeyJupiter]

My DS is 8.5 months and I’m due to return to work in 6 weeks. I will be part time (3 days at 9-5) and work in an NHS mental health team which is high stress and high pressure. My role also includes prescribing medication which quite rightly leaves me highly accountable for the decisions I make.

I’m panicking because my baby still wakes every 60-90mins throughout the night and will only go back to sleep if I breastfeed him. This has been the case for the last 6 months and it’s been torture. My mental health has suffered greatly as a result (I live in a permanent state of high anxiety) but unfortunately everything we’ve tried from gentle sleep training, my DH taking a lead with shhhing, to bottles etc hasn’t worked.

I’m not so much looking for sleep solutions (I’ve accepted my highly alert baby is just wired this way and needs help joining up his sleep cycles) although of course any advice helps, but rather whether I need to be informing work/should I even be going back to work/how the hell am I going to cope?!

Thank you.

My son was like this. It took until 2 years before he naturally started sleeping through. I put off going back to work until a year . Is this an option?
However, I was still sleep deprived when I returned to work. You do just manage! Lots of coffee and early nights. Going to work (nhs) actually gave me respite from looking after my son and even the drive home with music playing was quite enjoyable.

Thank you. I am looking forward to some time away it’s just the prospect of doing a job which was exhausting even without sleep deprivation thrown into the mix.

Caffeine may be the answer!

It’s really tough. I had to return to work when DS was really little he was up a lot in the night and I was exhausted. In the end we went against our ‘parenting morals’ and did controlled crying. It was very difficult, we both cried a lot but after 3 nights DS slept through and has ever since. It changed our lives and 2 years on I don’t regret it and would do it again. DS was bottle fed though, and I have no experience of breastfeeding so not sure if that would be a factor.
For us, sleep makes the world go around!

Millponds sleep clinic, OP.
It comes highly recommended by a friend who is a consultant paediatric allergist.

I’ve only ever heard positives. Have a look at their site.

I think you need to sort your baby's sleep routine. It doesn't have to be CC, there are gentler methods. But waking like you have been is unsustainable and quite frankly dangerous. You of all people should know this.

If you fuck up a prescription then people's lives are possibly on the line. That is not a good situation and sleep deprivation will not stand up in court.

You have time to sort the sleep. There is no physical reason a baby needs to wake that often. They should be sleeping 6 hours minimum.

I went back to work full time when my first child was 9 months. She was an awful sleeper at that point probably waking up at similar intervals to yours and I'll be honest it was exhausting but we managed with the help of coffee.

Thanks worry, it sounds like cc worked for you. It’s just something we find very hard to consider doing. We’ve come close I guess with the “put down drowsy” type gentle training but DS became hysterical every time and nearly made himself sick. God it’s hard!

Thanks for the recommendation vanguard, will check it out :)

Dermymc I agree with everyone you’ve said hence my state of panic about returning to work. Occupational health will tell me to go off sick if my fitness to practice is compromised but that really isn’t a long term solution. Back to the drawing board I guess with sleep training.

Thanks babaroll, how old was your DD when things improved.

Is he in his own room yet? My son improved so much when he went into his own room.
Also can you get your DH to take over completely some nights so you can get at least one night of unbroken sleep?

Thanks tooth, we are co-sleeping at the moment as I can’t get up every hour as that was leaving me even more exhausted. At least this way I can just roll over and feed him back to sleep. I do wonder if I end up disturbing him more though.

The main issue is that DS will only be soothed by me and will only go back to sleep if breastfed which means I can’t share the responsibility. He becomes more and more hysterical if DH tries to soothe him to sleep by other means and therefore easier for me to do it.

Both my bf babies had terrible regressions between 8-10months. Apparently quite common, and sleep has naturally improved after 10m. Our ultimate answer was sleep training - but you have to find a method that suits you. (And if not initially successful try again a few weeks later) We had advice with an ‘expert’ HV through a referall from our HV. I always suggest having a look at Sarah ockwell smiths info as have found her to be spot on re baby sleep info. It’s incredibly hard and daunting but returning to work is actually a great leveller and even though you’re working you get much more headspace with having some child free hours. Also - coffee. Lots and lots of coffee

I just had an office job. Did Dr Jay Gordon sleep method (basically no bfeeding at night/early morning, but you cuddle, co sleep etc) at age 1, which after 3 nights of hell made a positive difference for us. Therafter DH and I did some of the nights while I slept in another room. So could count on getting some sleep sometimes.

In retrospect I regret not doing more to tackle both DCs’ sleep when they were over 1: sleep deprivation was v bad for my health, especially mental health, parenting and working life.

Lots and lots of coffee + baby who constantly wakes? Hmm.

I really think the key is sorting out your baby's sleep OP. No baby needs to wake/feed every 60-90 mins - particularly an 8.5 month old. I would really get some proper advice and help. I sleep-trained both of mine at 9 months, because I was on my knees with sleep deprivation (and they were 'only' waking once or twice at that point). Your baby is in the habit of waking and feeding - you need to break that habit.

Hi OP

I return to work full time in Sept, I'm an Assistant Headteacher in a primary school and still teach too so it's really full on. My DS (2nd child) will be just turning one and is a terrible sleeper. If he sleeps in his cot he will wake every 30 mins ALLLLLLLL night long. I would be wary of people telling you to sort out baby's sleep, as if it is something that can be fixed. Some babies really struggle with sleep. Mine does and it sounds like yours does too.

We are co sleeping at the moment. Still not great sleep but much better. My main concern is that DH and I both often need to work in the evenings and DS just won't settle for longer than 30 mins at a time. But this period of bad sleep isn't forever and it will pass.

Thanks Butterfly, I’m hoping work will actually help rather than totally break me. I like Sarah O-S too although her methods haven’t worked for us sadly. I might speak to HV and see if they have any other ideas.

I just read Jay Gordon’s website loopy and I like his approach. I would definitely try it when DS hits one if we are still struggling.

No caffeine here juneau but agree this needs to be tackled. There is no need for him to be waking but clearly he needs to in order to feel safe and secure. I genuinely feel that is his temperament to a degree and much harder to change that than babies that are naturally more relaxed.

I think you need to speak to a few sleep consultants about a solution and find something that would be tolerable to you as a family. We used one for DC3. Very little crying involved and she is a great sleeper now. She was awful and I told myself that she was just high energy. Mail me if you want details.

Also please avoid the caffeine. If you are already anxious this will only make you more so. I am not prone to anxiety but caffeine can really make me feel awfully on edge.

Thanks Rockandroll, I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. I agree that it isn’t as easy as saying we need to ‘sort it ourt’ as we’ve been trying constantly since he was born to help him sleep longer. I do feel he is wired this way and emotionally needs me more than other babies might. Feels impossible sometimes.

I will message you Raaaah thanks. I’m totally caffeine free at the moment so no worries there. Think the caffeine+waking baby comment was aimed at another poster.

Yes, caffeine + waking was aimed at everyone saying that 'lots of caffeine' is how they managed being tired at work. I'm sure that kept them awake, but with a baby who is already very wakeful I think maybe that wouldn't be the right solution for the OP, as she is still BFing.

This might be a bit controversial on here, but what worked for me was stopping breastfeeding.
Ds1 was a similar age and I had to stop feeding to go back to work or I would have probably carried on longer. Within a few days of stopping feeding DH put him to bed and we did cc - it worked within 2/3 days and he has been a brilliant sleeper ever since.
Ds2 I did the same because it had worked and it worked again.
Ds3 I fed for longer and he never settled properly at night until there was no prospect of milk if he woke up (aged almost 2!)
I felt guilty at first but I felt better for sleeping and so did they.

I went back to work at 8 months and mine was far from sleep trained. His own room made such a difference.

Realistically it's not great that you are his only sleep crutch. If something happened to you he would still need to sleep. This is the right time to start braking the association.

Pick a method and stick to it for at least 2 weeks. Tears etc will be normal. I bet some of his waking is because you are there so he thinks wahey more milk. I did cc for a week and my life improved 10 fold. Get your dh on board and totally stick to it.

How does he settle for naps in the day?

Have you tried gradual retreat? I would start sleeping training now and he will most likely sleeping through by the time you return to work. I imagine it would be dangerous for you to be working after so little sleep.

Hi, I was going to suggest putting your dc in his own room and your dh helping by the pick up and put down method/controlled crying, I remember doing this with my eldest dc at one point. It was a real wrench when she came off of the breast and onto formula but after that plus being weaned she (and us) slept so much better and as a result benefited the whole family and I think that's what you've got to consider here (I'm dreading going through this again but know it will benefit all of us once we are out the other side). This is mainly why I plan to stop breastfeeding at the 6 month point (I have myself and other family members to consider...my other dc, I feel, have been a bit short changed from mummy being constantly tired). Sleep deprivation can really affect your mental health (I believe it has been used as a form of torture before).
If for any reason you are unable to break the cycle and return to work, I think you need to flag it up...perhaps you could have a colleague/manager sign off the prescriptions for a while. I don't drive far because I consider it dangerous when I am sleep deprived - it is really hard to function in this state both physically and mentally if you are seriously sleep deprived.

It’s been suggested I stop breastfeeding 3boys but I enjoy it so much that seems a shame. We have no other methods of getting him to sleep at night so imagine we’d end up replacing feeding with another sleep crutch. The thought of him crying and clawing at my chest (which he would inevitably do) is so distressing.

Thanks Dermy we use the buggy or car to help him nap or I feed him. I have to lie with him though so I can help him join up sleep cycles in the day. Otherwise he would only nap 30mins.

3Wild tried it! Worth revisiting all these methods though I guess.

Thanks lavender, I agree that I will need to speak to my manager about this for advice as suspect things won’t have changed much by the time I go back.

It’s not that we won’t commit to sleep training, we have tried many many different methods but none have worked. And cc really isn’t something that sits comfortably with us.

I ended up night weaning, which really helped as whilst he still woke he could be comforted by dad, so we took it in turns and every-other night I got a full night's sleep.

The actual night weaning was done by DH and I stayed elsewhere for 3 nights (returned 6am to breastfeed). I was initially really reluctant but after a month back at work I was desperate.

Realistically you can't have tried that many methods. You need to stick to a method for at least 2 weeks for it to work. Your baby is only 8.5 months and you probably didn't consider sleep training much before 7 months.

There are gentler methods than CC, you know what you are comfortable with. But you also know that 9-5 at work is not good on broken sleep. Your mental health is important too. You aren't some amazing Saint for BF every half hour through the night. In fact most people would consider you mad (I BF too until past 1).

What is your priority? Sleep and a child who can sleep independently, or returning to work sleep deprived?

I think you really need to consider getting him in his own room.