Entertain me with you fml moments of the day

[Muddlingalongalone]

As per the title.
Am currently on the tube and the balding middle aged man with glasses in a London t shirt has just got on in rollerboots and spun round the pole on the tube repeatedly in the way I always tell dd's not to and to sit or stand properly.
Anyone want to share???

Child was holding my hand.
Child's nose ran.
Child used my forearm to wipe their nose.

Erughgh.

A customer asked me for "half a bottle of Smirnoff" in work today and I looked at him completely bewildered and said I can't pour any out. Before realising he meant a small bottle

I locked my keys in my car- along with my 2 year old. Probably not a fml so much as holy fucking shit bags moment though

Took extended family out for dinner at fancy restaurant, food excellent, service absolutely shite. Hubby pays the bill then we get home & he tells me he tipped £50!! I could strangle him, fecking idiot sometimes.

My whole life is FML at the mo.

1. partner on crutches unable to weight bear due to an ankle op - "helpfully" pointing out things I can tidy as I walk past them. I swear I'll ram the next mug he spits down his helpful throat (see following points)
2. toddler teething last teeth and just happens to have pneumonia coughing all sorts up and demanding effing Bing bunny on constant repeat.
3. 4.5 month baby teething and though able to will not sleep for longer than 2-3 hours and will not go to daddy for even 10 mins while I sort stuff out without screaming bloody murder
4. we have dogs and was picking up a poo out of the garden when a tiny slug somehow flicked off it and landed INSIDE THE POO BAG ON MY HAND. I feel like it'll never be clean again. I've had wine hoping that by boob proxy I'll get a 3hr stretch out of the baby (I joke HAHA)

Went to visit extended family today and DD and I had baked a cake. DD handed over said cake and said, "Mummy said a bad word when it came out of the oven, but it still looks good. Wanted to crawl under a cushion and die!

Very identifying if the family are mumsnetters... at a clients house I got chased by a wasp. Uttered the words 'fuck and shit' ' in front of v young children.
If you are reading, again I am so sorry. I have felt dreadful about it all day. I rarely swear. Unless being chased by a wasp.
Sailormouth I was

**spots. The next mug he spots.
For fucks sake!

Took my 3yo DD to the circus tonight as a treat. Her horrible, abusive dad who she sees for 3 hours per month in a contact centre (when he turns up, which is hit and miss) was sitting literally 3 seats away with his other (older) DD who I only found out about recently and who he hasn't seen for six years (AFAIK).

I caught his eye and told him not to say anything, but he kept standing up and trying to subtly get her attention. Would have broke her heart to see him there with another little girl. Was on edge the whole time, legged it to the other side of the circus at the interval and left 10 minutes early to make sure we didn't bump into him. She had a great time and had no idea but honestly what are the bloody chances of that?! FML.

Out with dgs5 and dgd2, went to MacDonalds. Man came in with his 3 dgc. He was wearing his hair in a ponytail and a pink poloshirt. I said to dgs, who was bouncing up and down on the bench seat next to the pink man " be careful, that man's trying to eat". Dgs said "That's not a man" (eying pink man doubtfully). I said "it is". Dgs said loudly "Are you a man?". (I tried to crawl under the seat).

DD (7) had a bottom wiping malfunction at bedtime. The few, precious minutes I had planned to spend quietly communing with a bottle of wine were actually spent picking poo-nuggets off the sheets and changing the bed, whilst cheerfully reassuring an utterly mortified DD and trying not to kill DH, who was supposed to check that DD was ok after a prolonged bathroom sessions during which I heard her, from downstairs, say ‘uh-oh’ at least once. FML.

Ok officially downgrading mine to are rather than fml. Hope Saturday is better for everyone

DD sharted at the garden centre (we’d just got there!) had to leave my coffee and go straight home with poo pants in my pocket