So I’ve realised I’m an over bearing mother

[Ohfeckimthatmum]

I’ve been noticing it the past few months. I think I’ve over compensated as my other mother was so shit. Plus dd was what I can only described as physically assaulted (bleeding/scars) by another child when she was 2.

She is 5 now but I’ve noticed she looks to me for affirmation and confidence. She struggles to play independently unless I’m guiding it. She follows me from room to room. She was also a baby I thought I’d never had so I know I’ve laid it on thick with the protective perfect mummy.

What to do now though? I read a book the other day and seen myself as the person that was actually chipping away at her self confidence which is the exact opposite of what I’d ever want to do.

So how do I even reverse it with out it looking like I don’t care or pushing her out

Any one ?

She’s only 5. Some 5 yr olds lack confidence.
Try to build her confidence by letting her achieve things by herself then praise her for doing a great job by herself.
Even something like dressing herself or mixing up the ingredients for cup cakes.
Set her up with activities like a craft and ask her to carry on while you go and quickly do something else.
She’s only little so there will be plenty of things she’ll achieve. Just step back and give her lots of encouragement and praise.

I recognise a lot of what you've written but my take isn't the same as yours. My DC struggled with playing independently at 5, it only started from 6. And of course they look to us for affirmation they are 5 and we are the people they trust most in the world, that's a wonderful relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself, sounds like you are a caring parent to me

Hmm it’s tricky - what were the circumstances when she was hurt aged 2? Could that be affecting her?

I’ve noticed my kids, although shyish, are more resilient than, for example, their cousins and I think it’s because whilst I’ve always consoled them when needed I also have been breezy about minor things like them falling over or someone taking their toy or whatever. I find with my kids quite often they don’t want reassurance in the way you might think. They actually want to be told ‘it’s not big deal’ rather than ‘you’re ok’ if that makes sense?

Also get her helping with chores. Chores are brilliant way to teach confidence and competence.

Also from my admittedly small experience from having 2 kids. My eldest ALWAYS played independently my youngest still doesn’t now at 7.

Small steps. Get her playing with and engaged in something, then leave the room and see how she goes. Let her set up things for you to do together herself. Be busy with boring (to her) jobs in the meantime. Look at the language you use, there’s lots of websites about promoting effort, perseverance and giving things a try. You are both stronger than you think!

Bee we do all that. Im thinking I praise too much ?

apple thank you. It’s funny as she keeps saying ‘when I’m six I’ll give it a bash!’

tha yep I get what you mean. I joined a gentle parenting site and it really encouraged accepting feeling and acknowledging them. Sounds wishy washy now! Dh is a ‘your ok, you don’t need to cry’ where I’m a ‘oooh I bet that hurt it’s ok to feel sad’ . The incident was where another nearly 2 year old was playing with her and out of no where gauged her face. Really bad. Down her eye kid and cheek causing bloody welts. I just picked her up and left as could have kicked him( the kid that had done it) Ever since I’ve helicoptered

I do leave the room. I have a dd who is 1.5.whonid entirely opposite. But she has had to just come along for the ride really as dd1 is very intense.

Dh is talking her to a club I’ve enrolled her in next week and I’m already worried he won’t support her the right way or be firm enough when she wants to leave half way though - which is pathetic on my part I know.

I’ve struggled with the club issue. Ds1 wanted to go to a particular football club and he begged and begged to go. I thought it was going to be tough for him so I wasn’t sure but eventually I gave in.
He went and hated it. Said it was too hard. I told him to go a few times. He still hated it.
I was so torn. I questioned everything. Should I pull him out and show him he should give up if things were too tough? Should I keep him in and teach him some resilience? (Resilience is one of the best traits to have, in my option)
Was I being cruel by insisting he kept going when he wasn’t enjoying it?
It was really difficult to know what to do but I followed my instincts and insisted he went a few more times.
Thankfully, it all paid off when a few weeks later, he was invited to join the team. I was so relieved as it was really difficult to know what to do.

Re the club - is it something you genuinely think she’ll enjoy? Dd cried every week at Rainbows but then was happy as Larry when she came out. I persevered and now she LOVES going.

Does your dh stay with her at the activity? If he does ask him to make sure she stays for the session. If he doesn’t then make sure he knows ‘how’ to leave if it’s something youve More experience of:

Finally, I mean this gently, it seems odd that you’re mentioning how she was hurt by another toddler aged 2. I’m sorry if that seems harsh. My kids have been bitten and scratched and hurt by other kids and at the time I’ve veen furious and upset for them but I’m not still thinking about it three years later. Ds has a scar under his eye from being pushed over whilst wearing his glasses aged 4 but honestly I’d forgotten about it completely until I was just trying to think of a comparable event.

I'm not sure you can be too much of a helicopter when they're that tiny. It's so important for them to know someone is on their side.

But it helps to let them do stuff for themselves. I helicoptered DS2 terribly because he was very ill and frail and I felt massively protective of him. I started making lists of stuff he could learn to do himself and making a fuss of him when he did them.

Mix up saying, 'Well done,' or, 'I'm proud of you' with, 'Did you enjoy that?' or, 'You seem to have such fun when you do that,' or, 'You seem to be getting more skilled/confident at this. Do you think practising has helped?' That way you can nudge them towards self-starting behaviour.