If you were on the fence about another baby, and didn’t have one, do you regret it?

[Babyquestion99]

I’m 39 and have two dc aged four and two. Physically, I don’t want to go through another pregnancy and birth and the early baby days. BUT I really want another child! DH feels the same - the early part is so exhausting. We both wanted a big family. If we were younger, we would have another baby in a few years. But - as I’m 39 - it’s really try now or never.

Anyone on the fence and then didn’t? Were you glad? Or on the fence and DID?

I have 2 DC with your age gap. I’d always always wanted 3. For me, it was a time-limited decision- I didn’t want more than a 3 year age gap, that was a line in the sand for me. At the time that we were in that situation, lots of factors (mental health, finances, relationship issues, uncertain employment) meant we didn’t try.

Occasionally I have felt a twinge, cuddling other people’s babies, seeing friends pregnant again. But mostly I am glad we didn’t - I genuinely don’t think we could have afforded it in more ways than one. And my 2 DC are wonderful and continue to be wonderful as they grow.

Oh OP, I’m with you, could have written your post, but given my other thread about possibly being pregnant with coil it could well be happening! OR suddenly going through early menopause tbh either way decision starting to feel out of my hands!

Please don’t have your baby on a fence it’s very dangerous

I felt the same when mine were 2 & 3 up to 3 & 4 really, I would have liked another.

Now I am ever thankful that we didn't!

They are 7 & 8 now. Two is the limit of my patience, energy, finances and brain space.

The constant juggling is a struggle for me. Work (own business 6 days a week at present), home and DC. I am doing too much and none of it well!

We were having the same debate for months, and like you didn't want a big age gap so it was a now or never decision. We had our first two children a year and a half and the first year was pretty full on.

The decision was actually really stressing me out, on the one hand I could see all the practical and logical reasons to stick with two. However, in my HEART I couldn't let it go. Anyway...I am now pregnant with the third, and it's early days but I already have this overwhelming feeling of being complete. I know the first few years are going to be extremely hard but I feel it's been the right decision for us

No I'm relieved now I never went for a third.
Mine are 11 and 14 now and I feel I just about have time for them both. I'd feel frazzled with another one to add to the mix. Helping with homework, friend issues, money etc.

We were on the fence for a while, until we came down to a no and DH had a vasectomy.

I do occasionally have the odd twinge; just in those moments where the kids are being lovely and we see their 'babyness' slipping away as they get older.

But - I'm mostly overwhelmingly glad we didn't have a third. I'm finding things quite tough just now, and they're 6 and 8! If I had to fit in naps, nurseries, feeding, potty training, etc, I genuinely feel my mental health would be at great risk.

The baby years are hard but school days are too. Fitting homework, classes, all the admin, etc in is tough, plus they've got more emotional needs too. And later bedtimes!

Adding a baby into that mix would have been unfair on the existing two, I think.

DH always wanted one more, I really didn’t think I could go through another pregnancy, so said no but always had a tiny bit of regret. A few months ag I had been feeling really run down- turns out I was nearly 3 months pregnant. It’s been the easiest out of them all, and although I doubt I’d ever actually have agreed to having another, I’m SO glad we are

Congratulations, Thistles24! That’s wonderful news. Good to have the decision made for you like that!

kettleonplease that’s lovely news! And that you feel a sense that your family is now complete.

Eek incrediblepregable!! Good luck!!

So interesting to read that, as the kids get older, so many of your regret fades. And that they don’t stop being hard work when they’re older either! Ahh! DH thinks we should just get a dog

I’m massively on the fence. There are so many practical reasons not to have a third but when your heart says just do it it’s hard to ignore. I was advised recently that I shouldn’t underestimate the struggle of teenage years on you as a parent and that’s something you see less of as a warning on these threads as we all seem to generally have under 10’s. I wish I had time on my side to decide but I don’t and I do worry that if owner for a third id be pushing my luck. Ie could be so hard and hard on my marriage and my kids. Tough one!

@Babyquestion99 we got a cat

I feel the same about wishing I had a bit more time on my side, user147. I know I would if I did! But that’s interesting about teenagers and how much they need you - I hadn’t really thought through how much my time would be divided between dc.

DemocracyDiesInDarkness 😂😂

I alwaya wanted a really big family, then I had two and I'm very happy and don't regret not having more.

We have a 15 year old & a 12 year old and I have just turned 40. I really regret not having at least one more child. DH could have been convinced if I had insisted but we spent too long sitting on the fence. Our eldest child particularly wanted another sibling. I am quite sad about it to be honest.

Everyone says there's a massive difference between having 2 and having 3 in terms of looking after them....

I really REALLY wanted a third but for many reasons we didn't.

Absolutely relieved we didn't now. I can afford nice things/life for 2 children but a 3rd would have meant some sacrifices. Less treats, days out, less 1 to 1 time etc.

I mean, a third if it'd have happened would have been amazing and so loved and we'd not have regretted having him/her but really I am glad we made the decision with our heads and not just our hearts.

My third was an ooops a decade after 2. I had always wanted more but regret not getting on with it. There is a very definate divide between him and my older two. We got him a puppy sibling to play with.

Our third was a bit accidental, although we’d both always wanted a big family. I do not regret that he is here but my god it’s been hard - tough pregnancy, tough recovery from birth, and as a pp wisely prophesied would have happened to them my mental health has really taken a kicking. I am often much less than the mother I would like to be but in the process of trying to stretch myself far enough for everyone’s needs I have completely lost sight of my own trajectory in life. My career prospects have bombed, and my relationship has suffered.

My advice is if you make a decision not to go for a third do everything in your power not to get pregnant because it is much harder making a decision once things have been set in process, as documented by many ‘pregnant with third and not sure what to do’ threads on here.

Mine are 4 and 18m I always said I wanted a 3rd but my 18m is a little git and I'm definately our off by having another (at the minute anyway) i think you might regret it if you don't have one or at least try. X