Teach me to make friends.

[BlairWaldorfsHeadband]

So I’ve just done something I never thought my anxious, introverted and generally antisocial self would ever do and booked a place on the NCT course.

These aren’t my first babies however hardly any of my “friends” (I use them term loosely) have kids and I’d like to meet others with DC the same age as mine.

Here’s the problem. I am crap at socialising. I won’t bore you all with my list of diagnoses but I have complex mental health issues which mean that I overthink everything, struggle to think of anything to say and just give up.

I’m not shy - If I have a set topic, or it’s something like a pub quiz I can talk for ages if I’m knowledgable on it. But unstructured socialising?! With no prompts or guidance?! I do not know how to handle it.

I am bringing my partner because he is a charismatic sociable chap who I can hopefully get to make the friends for us, but does anyone have any tips for socialising when you’re just naturally not very good at it?

I have never really had friends, by the way. Not even as a child. I was a bookish geeky kid who wasn’t bothered about people so never learned how to do it.

Ok i’m crap at this but I’ll do my best.

Think about giving positive social signals if you want to get to know someone - smile, make eye contact, react to their comments.

Don’t over focus on one person, but the next time you see someone you have chatted with, be sure to approach them to say hi and how are you.

Try to remember and use people’s names, and the name of their baby. If they said they were going somewhere, ask how they got on. Make positive comments about the group and the babies. Talk to people seperately to your dh.

If there are any invitations, try to go, but be unfussed if plans are fluid or change - don’t stake too much on it in the early stages. Volunteer to bring something or help out if there are chances.

Thank you!

I am really bad at reading social signals, j think that’s my issue, and I come over as very cold because I’m not naturally one for eye contact and stuff.

I find it really hard to make small talk with people. I'm fine with people I'm comfortable with, but otherwise I either waffle on or tend to give give one or two word answers. When waffling, I try to consciously remember to ask them questions to stop myself and turn the focus onto them.

I've tried purposely remembering facts about people, like ages of children, jobs they do, places they've been recently. If you become friends on Facebook, this makes it a lot easier to remember.

I also try to approach just 2-3 new people at a time so it doesn't seem overwhelming, small groups can be easier for this so you can get away with responses and nodding rather than having to actively participate the whole time.

We did Nct classes and the format meant there's a lot of whole group conversations during the class, so you find out a lot anyway, then the following week is make a beeline to sit next to someone I felt most comfortable with.

Peabody that’s like me. I either info dump loads of random crap or don’t say enough.

Thank you, that helps!

Look people in the eye, smile, introduce yourself and ask them some general questions (think of some before hand if that helps).

Think of a conversation being like throwing a ball back and forth between two people: nod, smile, ask, listen, answer and repeat.

Like you I’m confident in certain situations, but really shit at small talk and find it really difficult to make friends. I’m getting better though!

It’s taken me nearly 40 years to work out that if someone asks you a question, they don’t just want an answer, they expect you to ask them a question back. And so the conversation begins...

A good tip for remembering names that I use

A note in your phone

Names - description - interesting facts

Ie

"Jane (red hair glasses) - baby max and 3 year old - hogwarts soft play - back from holiday to France"

It really helped me remember and I'd do a quick scan before 'Mum pal meetups' and the more I use it the better my memory gets.

People are flattered if you remember their names and things they've told you - the fact my memory list existed was a comical talking point in itself -

Just be interest in people and tell them things about yourself that you want to

It's ok not to be ok - the people I warmed to most were the people who admitted they found things hard but still made the effort to get out the house and meet up - I found people who were obviously putting on a face difficult as it they were trying too hard

Good luck x

Baby groups are a perfect place to start making friends. You will all have in common a new baby. This is what I have found:

Starting conversations: Make a positive comment about her baby. Or ask an interested question. E.g. Has she been sitting up for long? Or When did he start rolling over so well?

I generally find that most people like to either talk about themselves or their babies. If they are happy to talk, one or two questions should be fine. If they give a short response then receive it with a nod, smile or if it's a negative answer "Oh no, that's hard." The important bit is not what you say or do, but how you receive what the person says. Being clear that you have heard them by nodding etc.

You can follow this up with a comment about something you are finding hard e.g. I'm finding the idea of weaning a bit daunting. (Even though you aren't a first time mum we can still find things hard). See if they agree or have something to add. Or offer something you are looking forward to. "I can't wait to get more than 2 hours sleep" etc.

Once you get chatting to one or two people you will be fine. After that there'll be others that join in. Then it's about listening to each person and receiving what they say. A nod, a smile, Or "it is hard" or "I agree". Don't feel you have to say lots.

Thank you that is very helpful I have never been able to make friends other than about three times so this is helpful!