3yr old and BIL

[PeachesAndCream1]

I’m really stuck - please help WWYD

My 3yr old DS (youngest of 4 - the others are over 17yrs old) has been a bit naughty lately. Hitting, throwing and generally just being a 3 year old. We do stop him each time he starts though.

My partner and I boarded out one of our rooms to his brother, my BIL (24yrs). All has been good since he moved in - 3 months ago. BIL has ADHD, so can get a bit worked up over nothing at the drop of a hat.

We were all in lounge watching a movie, DS was play fighting, punching the fridge, the walls, the couch as he made his way around the room. DS punches aren’t enough to hurt, but BIL got a couple of punches to his foot. He yelled at DS to stop, and he did - for about 5 seconds. DS did a couple more punches and BIL hit out with his foot straight into DS face! DS obvs started screaming, my partner says/does nothing, I grab DS to comfort him and BIL storms out of lounge slamming the doors as he goes to his room.

I ask partner if he saw, he did. Says BIL needs to calm down before being spoken to - fair enough. BIL comes back through, asks if DS is Ok, then leaves. Didn’t come back for couple of hours.

I have never, ever allowed violence in my home. DS has picked up ‘fistycuffs’ From god knows where.

I’m stuck between letting it go (partner has spoken to him now), telling BIL to move out (what happens if he does it again?), taking blame that we should have more control over DS, or making more stringent rules that BIL must remove himself if he feels DS is getting to much for him to handle.

Help!!!

You don’t lash out at a 3yr old, off he goes

They fit in the same household in that every time he starts, we stop him. Sometimes 30 times a night. It mostly seems he starts doing this around bedtime. He only started doing the hitting thing a couple weeks ago.

Was he trying to hold ds away from him with his foot or actually kicking him?

Your three year old is violent.
Your BIL is violet in return.
Something has to change.

BIL would be gone from my house, you’re under-reacting here imo OP. What is your partner saying about whether he should stay or go?

An adult kicked your three year old in the face. In front of you! What the fuck would he do if nobody was watching? He needs to leave right now.

Your DS must be extremely annoying; even someone without ADHD would be put to the test by this behaviour. I know he's only 3, but this is the age when you've got to nip it in the bud. Is he at nursery yet? He needs to learn that it's not acceptable to punch and kick or there could be serious problems with the other children.

Even if OP’s DS is annoying there’s no excuse for a grown man to kick a 3 year old in the face!

Blimey. I'd be saying goodbye to the bil. Yes, 3yos can be annoying but that's the nature of being 3. A grown man kicking a baby in the face is just awful. Really, really awful.

DS punches aren’t enough to hurt are you sure? It can really hurt, even if they are little. Did BIL kick out as a reaction to being hit and accidentally get DS or kick him on purpose? If it’s the latter, he obviously needs to leave immediately.

It does sound annoying though and the way you describe him making his way around the room punching all the furniture then BIL doesn’t sound good. You probably need to remove him from the room as soon as he starts the hitting, speak to him, explain that his behaviour isn’t ok, what he needs to do instead, what will happen if he continues, etc.

If he’s wanting to hit out, can you set up a game that gives him that stimulation, throwing cushions, throwing balls outside, some rough and tumble play with him (obviously stress no punching/hitting), punching pillows instead, etc.

Doesn't matter how annoying OP's DS was being, BIL was totally out of order kicking a 3 year old! Get him out of your house. I'm suprised you or DP didn't make him leave right then.

DS isn’t annoying, just repetitive. tonight he just wouldn’t let up.

It was just one quick lash out with his foot. I think he was more trying to swat DS away, but was stronger than he realised - but storming out and slamming doors is not a normal reaction when you’ve just hurt someone a quarter of your size. And I’ve yet to actually hear an apology.

No DS does not go to daycare, my eldest is his nanny while my partner runs his own business and I’m at work full time.

I don’t know what my partner said to BIL, will speak to him again in morning (we in NZ, it’s 222am).
My head and heart are def of the mindset that BIL shouldn’t stay - DS was just being a little boy.

Thanks for the replies, I’ll try to sleep and get a fresh approach tomorrow.

The weather has been pretty bad here this week, so normal outside energy wasting hasn’t been able to be done. He loves playing soccer and kicking balls around. He prob just needs another avenue to vent the energy!

You are all minimising this. A grown man kicking a 3 year old is never OK, however annoying the child's behaviour. The fact that it is a member of his own family makes it even worse.

I would not be letting it go. You say that dp has spoken to bil. What did he say?

I would be saying that if remotely anything similar happens again, bil has to go. That includes lashing out verbally as well as physically.

has been a bit naughty lately
Repeatedly hitting and throwing is not “a bit naughty”. It’s unacceptable behaviour that needs to be punished to nip it in the bud. Otherwise it will become extremely problematic if allowed to continue into a nursery or school setting.

BIL’s behaviour was of course unacceptable and he wouldn’t be allowed near my child again. But the situation wouldn’t have arisen if you’d firmly put a stop to your DS’s behaviour as soon as he started doing it.

It would really depend if it was on purpose or not. If it was an accident, then a talk can be had first with BIL about removing himself from the situation BEFORE things get too much. If it was on purpose,u hurt me so I'm going to hurt you kind of thing,then he needs to go.