This is depression isn’t it

[Changedname220]

Separated in April after nearly 16 years together.
There was abuse (posted elsewhere lots about this won’t go into it all again )
Been seeing a counsellor weekly for the last couple of months.

Felt really strong and focussed etc even after finding husband on 7 dating sites within days of him leaving . Have filed for divorce.

Went back on 5mg of escitalopram ages ago whixh did little for the anxiety so it was upped to 10mg. Took the edge off but didn’t fully deal with it. Was struggling to eat etc at one stage as it was bad.

Dr upped it 1 month ago to 20mg daily whixh I take at night. Some nights I sleep better than others.

Now I feel like I am drugged. I have very little feelings or emotions about anything. Slmetimes they leak through and I will cry for hours in my bed at night (don’t even know why or what about) the rest of the time I am eating (massive amounts in binges continuously. Think 10 chocolate bars at a time sort of thing and this is almost daily. I look shit I feel shit but I don’t have the mental or physical energy to care )

I don’t want to get out of bed I would willingly lie there and just stare at the trees outside or sleep. Sleep as much as I can and keep sleeping

It feels like my emotions and mind and body are shutting down and all I have to cope with is breathing in and out to stay alive. Everything else is unimportant and doesn’t matter anymore.

Someone say something
Even writing this is exhausting mentally hence just saying it as it comes

changedname220 it feels awful right now, but please, please talk to someone in real life - gp, friend, anyone please don't suffer alone. You've gone through an enormous upheaval and you're struggling to cope with such an enormous amount of change, but you've recognised it and it's time to get some help to make you feel more like you again

It will be the last thing you feel like doing but you need to go back to the GP. Either that particular drug isn’t suiting you or the dosage needs adjusting, there are lots of other meds you can try so don’t keep suffering when you don’t have to.

I’m not going to say much more because just sorting your appointment will feel like too much and I don’t want to overload you, suffice to say I’ve been where you are and it can and does get better. How you feel is fixable and temporary but you must see the GP, ask for an emergency appointment if your surgery offer them, this can’t wait. Here if you need to talk, pm if you prefer

I'm no expert Changed but from what you've described I'd think that you were depressed or the anxiety tablets are too strong.
Go back to your Doctor and tell him how You feel.
You can Self Refer to MH Services! I've found this number for you 03456088888
Have you any friends or family who you could confide in?
If you feel really down, you could ring Samaritans 116 123 for advise.
You've made the first step Change by reaching out on MN.

Rung gp as meds run out Friday and it all has to be done online even to request a phone appt. waiting for a call back and going through it all again with someone else. It’s draining even keeping my eyes open on the phone so just shut them while I was talking

I was like that on Citalopram. Didn't suit me at all. I started feeling a lot better about 6 weeks after coming off it.

I know how hard it is, well done for calling. I really struggle if things aren’t straightforward but really hope you can manage to keep plugging away until you get to speak to/see your GP. Let us know how you’re doing when you can

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful.

Unfortunately it normally takes at least 6-8 weeks for antidepressants to fully kick in, often longer. You might not have found the right dose or medication yet, they affect different people in different ways. It was really strong of you to make that phone call - well done. I know it's so hard but try to keep the doctor updated on what you are going through. If the medication isn't working for you then tell them.

You probably have a lot of trauma stored up and now this massive life change has overwhelmed you. Your brain can't cope with all the bad feelings right now so it has shut down. Try to let yourself rest if you need to. Maybe you need to cry, even if you don't know what it's about. It will get better.

Seeing gp Friday

Is this my body’s way of shutting everything out so I can cope and just stay alive .

I can’t be bothered to make an attempt on my life I am too tired and numb for it I literally can’t even be bothered to top myself

Would it be weird to say I’m glad to hear it?! I recognise that feeling too. I suppose it is your body’s way of coping yes, the meds are making you feel crappy so all your energy is going into dealing with that. You’re just going to have to go really easy on yourself til Friday, do you have contact details for the crisis team in case you need them in the meantime?

Depression is so awful, I'm sorry you're in this much pain. You have a future, it just doesn't feel like it now. You obviously have a strong survival instinct. You just need to wait out the storm and in the mean time keep talking to the doctor and counsellor. Nothing stays the same, everything passes. Sending love

It’s just silence and peace I want. Not death
Just complete silence

Been to gp
Kept on same tablets and doseage as they say it can take up to 6 weeks and you can get worse before you get better so I need to stick with it longer.
I feel a mess a wreck a failure. Unloved and just had enough

OP I'm really sorry that you're having it so tough at the moment. Was the GP able to offer any other advice other than to persevere with the current medication? Do you have anyone who could come and sit with you a while?

You are not a failure

Changed.. I really, absolutely and totally get you.. i'm there with you.

Ex and I broke up last year.. i'm just surviving but this last couple of weeks im really not doing so great.. just feeling useless, worthless and like no-one would miss me if I weren't here.

I just want to sleep.. only reason I have to get up these days is my kids.. but we don't do anything, I have no motivation to go anywhere.. I just feel completely numb.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

citalopram made me feel like this too. i switched to sertraline and felt 100x better. really dulled my anxiety but im still able to function.

Squidgee
You could be me . I know it’s so hard and I feel like my kids are being let down

My mums mobility is crap so if she came here she wouldn’t be able to take the kids out so I would have her to deal with plus them and they would still keep coming to me

My in laws haven’t contacted me since we split in April. They didn’t do a lot taking the kids out wise anyway but would see them if they were taken to their house to visit. Which my ex does some weekends but they haddnt taken them out over summer or even asked me how we are doing are they ok etc etc

All I get from their dad is I have to go to work. He lives in a room so can’t even have them there. He came to see them last night. Are their leftovers and then sat on his phone . I ended up saying something and he walked out after half hour. I said to him the kids need a bath you can do that while your here and I got greeted with fuck off I am not bathing her. You can’t tell me what to do and with that he walked out. Tomorrow morning he has now chosen to work meaning I will have to take my eldest to a party he is due at with the other 3 in tow and I have had to arrange transport for him back as I have a fridge being delivered at the same time the party ends (mine packed up on Monday! Had to get a new one on buy now pay next year as I am absolutely broke)

Sorry just rambling now