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Aibu to feel unsure about this friendship

6 replies

spotscomeback · 15/08/2018 11:48

I haven't heard from my friend for about 8 weeks. This is very unusual - normally we're in contact most days if not every day. She has depression and this year has been very difficult for her, so sometimes she didn't respond to messages for a few days. Which is fine, I understand that she may not be able to reply or do anything much and I wanted to support her with that. I've really gone out of my way to help her in general, even when it's meant some sort of sacrifice on my part (I haven't told her about this).

Up until yesterday I had assumed she was just really struggling and I've sent her a "I'm thinking about you"/"here for you"/things that made me think of her message every so often, so that she knows I care and I'm here just whenever she's ready. She hasn't opened any of them and has been sporadically active on social media.

Yesterday a mutual friend posted a photo showing that my friend was out for the day with a few other mutual friends. She is of course allowed to do what she wants with whoever she wants, but aibu to feel a little bit hurt that she hasn't contacted me in eight weeks but can go out with her other friends? I honestly can't think of anything I could have done to upset her, and as I've said I've done my best to be there for her and she has confided in me a lot, so I thought we were close enough to be able to be honest with each other about stuff like this. Maybe I shouldn't take it personally but I do really care about her and in a way I feel used that I put so much effort in for her and yet it's as though I haven't existed for two months.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 11:51

I think you're taking it a little personally. Sometimes it's not about you, it's about the other person. Possibly she's not been in touch with anyone and her other friends rallied round to get her out and about and she went.

NorthernSpirit · 15/08/2018 11:55

Have you tried ringing her? Messaging is so cold and impersonal. Maybe she needs more ‘human’ contact?

OstrichRunning · 15/08/2018 12:14

I think I'd be a little hurt too. Sounds like you've been a good friend so I'd try to stop wasting energy worrying if you've said something etc. Easier said than done though, I know. That's partly the trouble with social media; everyone constantly gets to see what everyone else is up to.

It sounds like you miss her a bit. Could you find an event or film you'd both be interested in, then drop her a quick line / call her, asking if she'd like to come along?

spotscomeback · 15/08/2018 16:50

I possibly am taking it a bit too personally, but it's just because the friendship means a lot to me. Even if she did take some persuasion from the other friends to go out, that means that she's actually read a message from them, whereas mine have been unopened for eight weeks.

I would try ringing her, but we never talk on the phone at all so it might seem a bit strange for me to try it now. And if she isn't replying to my messages because she is struggling, maybe phoning her would be even more invasive?

To be honest I've been feeling quite worn out with this friendship for a while, I've been doing and saying all the right things for her (which I do want to do!) but I find it all a bit emotionally exhausting sometimes. I haven't been getting much back from her, and I haven't mentioned it because it's probably due to depression, but it almost feels as though this is the last straw to make me say something. I really don't want to lose the friendship (and have no plans to end it) but what I've been giving is unsustainable and I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
OstrichRunning · 16/08/2018 12:48

I'd call her because it sounds like you need (& deserve) to understand what's going on for your own peace of mind. Not opening your messages does seem a bit strange. What have you got to lose by calling her? I can't imagine it would be a huge problem jet side, even with depression. Or can you ask the opinion of a mutual friend? Your feelings matter too.

OstrichRunning · 16/08/2018 12:49

*her

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