If you have adult DC....

[Worrymcworryface]

And they were being referred for tests for suspicious lumps etc would you prefer they told you before diagnosis?

Currently awaiting an appointment at breast clinic where I’ll get ultra sound and probably biopsy. There have been fuck ups and delays which mean I could be waiting another 4-5 weeks before I see them.

I’m debating telling my parents, I don’t want them to worry obviously, but then in the unlikely event it turns out to be cancer it’ll come completely out the blue which would be harder for them. My dc are still young, but I’d like to know so I could share the worry. I do worry telling them is selfish though, sharing my worry unnecessarily.

I never told my parents or dc 32 and 12 when I was in a similar position.

4-5 weeks is a long delay, I was seen the week after for the results

Imo /e your dps will want to share your worry!
Hope everything is OK with you, please tell them tonight.

Well I do have an adult DC but he is 20 and at Uni. So I still consider him to need my input and care.

I think it depends on your relationship with your parents. I deal with mine on a need to know basis. So I don't tell them all the minutiae in my life. If it was something serious then yes.

Do you think they'd be a support to you or an added worry? Ultimately you should put yourself and your DC first.

I hope everything turns out okay OP.

Oh tell them I would be devastated if my adult child.kept something like this to themselves.
Let them support you. That is their job and you will always be their little girl in one sense
At least that's how I feel about mine. But of course I am assuming they are good parents who will support you. If they will make things more stressful for you then obviously that is a different matter
I really hope you get good news and all is well with your tests

I have an adult dd and I hope she'd tell me so that I could support her.
I suppose it depends on factors like their age, health and your relationship with them.
Hope all turns out to be well.

My word I would be really upset if my DC didn’t speak to me about something potentially so serious. I would like to think I could offer support for my DC. Would be different if they were married and had their own partners who were supporting them. However whilst they are not I would hope they would share their news. However you would need to decide whether your DP will offer your support or add to your anxiety and only you will know that.

Thanks all, I have a very good relationship with them and they won’t add to my worry - I just don’t want to add to theirs! My dad lost his mum to breast cancer when she was 40.

That’s the thing I wouldn’t have anything to tell them for 5-7 weeks probably, so it would be on their mind from then. I have a DH to support me and have told me DSIS & SIL as I needed to tell someone and they don’t worry like my parents. But they would be hurt if they found out I had confined in others before them ☹️

Next question - how do I tell them?

If I do it face to face I might get emotional and it will turn into something much bigger than it is. Casually over the phone/text? Saying I just wanted to let them know I’ve been referred, but long wait ahead and most likely nothing? Think this is what’s stressing me more tbh, letting them know without being dramatic.

Hmmm following your update I am not sure I would tell them. I would have when I was younger with no partner or support. However now I am older I don’t share anything with my DM as she would panic and add to my stress. ( she isn’t particularly helpful anyway TBH and would make it worse!) So it may be better to wait until you have the tests and take it from there. However if you tell them I would make it a phone call. Keep it quite relaxed and matter of fact, being referred for some tests and your a little anxious but would hope to have results in 6 weeks.

I didn't tell my parents when I had a cancer scare and treatment.

I knew my DM would be calling and texting me in tears at all hours and demanding to come to all appointments. I didn't need the additional stress it would have caused me. Not all parents are the kind of support you need, I needed to be calm and composed which she is not. We deal with things very differently.

She's a lovely person but I knew telling her would have made it worse for me to handle.

Speaking as someone who was diagnosed with BC earlier this year, tell them.

I found a lump back in November last year. It was just before my folks were due to fly to America for a few weeks. I told them I had found the lump but then didn’t tell them a few days later when I made an appointment to see the GP (by this point they were in the states and I didn’t want to worry them). GP didn’t seem concerned and to be honest I was 100% sure that the lump was connected to a riding accident a few months earlier. The GP said he was referring me to hospital to get it checked and still I never mentioned it to mum and dad. The hospital referral eventually came through for the end of January. Mum and dad were due home a few days later and I did consider postponing the appointment so that mum could come with me but given I had waited 7 weeks by this point and well as far as I was concerned I was just going to go, be examined, tell them I had had a riding accident and injured my rib (lump was in exactly the same place, and be sent away, I decided just to go (on my own) Let’s just say the appointment didn’t go as planned. I was told there and then that it was cancer. Having to phone my parents in Florida and break the news to them was absolutely horrendous

Elise so sorry to hear that. Can’t imagine having to make that call when they were so far from home. Hope everything is going your way just now & they caught it early

I’m going to phone them one evening this week, DM can get overly invested but if she knows what’s happening & when she won’t badger me. I’ll maybe ask her if she wants to come to the appointment with me, as DH will probably have to work & SIL has offered to watch DC.

Please tell them sweet doesnt matter how just that you do they love you and will want to help you

OP...Why are you ahving to wit for 5-7 weeks for results ?

Old GP referred me as urgent 5 weeks ago (2 week wait) but the hospital downgraded me to standard (9 week wait). They did this based on the GP’s notes, GP has since pushed another 2 times for me to be seen as urgent but they are standing firm with the ‘standard’ wait. When I spoke to the appointment centre they said their waiting lists were very busy just now. So the earliest I would be seen would be 4 weeks time, then a further week for results from biopsy.

I think GP needs to phone them rather than write to them. I might see if a different GP can call up and push for appointment.

Personally I don't think I would tell my DPs if it was me, as then I would feel I would have to 'manage' or 'deal with' their own distress as well as my own feelings and that of my immediate family. I know when we went through a difficult time health wise with our DS it was quite a strain having to tell everyone, keep everyone up to date etc etc. But - everyone's experience is different.

Interestingly my own mother told me that several years ago she was undergoing tests for cancer herself and chose not to tell anyone, including her own DH.

There is no 'right or wrong' it is up to the person themselves to decide if and how they want to tell people; sadly we have had a number of serious illnesses and deaths in our immediate family. some have chosen to share everything, others have not - we have learned to respect the individual in whatever choice they make.

I think they’d like to know and they are both very busy so they’ll not be sitting with it on their mind all day/night.

I’ll give them a call next week as they have a few things coming up this weekend & I don’t want to drop this on them beforehand.

Not sure what your relationship is like with them but my dad would be very upset/angry for not telling him. He'd want to be supporting me. On the other hand my brothers I would want to keep it from as they have their own stuff going on so get where you're going from. Personally I would tell my parents.

It’s a hard one, I could upset them either way although I get oh well with them and they are nice people so obviously there wouldn’t be drama or anything.

I’m going to phone and chase appointment on Friday then hopefully I’ll have more info to tell them next week. I am very glad I didn’t tell them when I first found the lump though as that was 2 months ago now.

Oh sorry I thought you would have to wait 5 weeks ish for the results.

You have to do what you think is right in your circumstances..I am not close to my parents and they would make it all about them, hence me never telling them anything medical.. My Mum is very manipulative over her own medical issues and this does make me more guarded with what I tell my own DC's