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Original poster

Apologies and receiving a genuine apology. Advice and experiences, please?

28 replies

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2018 12:16

At the weekend, at a party, I behaved like a dick towards somebody I really like and respect. My actions were self-absorbed and casually disrespectful and I hurt their feelings (and possibly embarrassed them, though I’m not certain of that.) I can’t blame alcohol, I’d had a couple of drinks, but was not drunk.

They’ve been gracious enough to agree to meet this evening so I can apologise. Which is why I’m here, starting this thread. I’m not apologising because I think they have an obligation to forgive me and keep things between us as before - a significant part of me suspects our relationship with each other can’t be recovered, and I accept that, that’s not why I’m apologising, it’s really not solely a self-interested apology and I don’t want it to come across that way.

If somebody had hurt / upset / embarrassed / disillusioned you (for context, we’re not talking anything enormous - just dumb, shitty behaviour on my part because I got carried away and failed to think or care about how they might feel about it) what would you want from an apology that would make YOU feel better, rather than just seem to be making the person apologising feel better? Would it actually mean anything to you to get an apology? What would you need from it for it to actually make a difference? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 14/08/2018 12:20

I doubt anything they said could make a difference to me tbh, as whatever was said/done was obviously in their mind so they did think it really.

Why do you need to meet to apologise? That does sound a bit 'me' to me, making it about you. So you asked them to meet up?

PicklingGherkins · 14/08/2018 12:21

I'm sorry to ask but did you throw dried sheeps poo at them?

prunemerealgood · 14/08/2018 12:24

I think so long as you accept it when they say 'it's fine' (whether it seems so or not) and don't veer off into some laboured justification of why you said what you said in the way you said it in public at a party...that will just make it about you.

Sometimes it is fine, and you just find yourself wary of that person in future.
Sometimes you have no idea what they were talking about. Awkward. "I meant you ill and I'm sorry." "Oh, I didn't notice."
Sometimes it's not fine but you have to say something.

Be guided by them.

Verbena87 · 14/08/2018 12:24

I’d be glad of the apology. Just a simple acknowledgement that, as you say in your post “I behaved like a dick towards somebody I really like and respect. My actions were self-absorbed and casually disrespectful”.

I wouldn’t want to hear long explanations/justifications, and depending on the context and the specific situation I’d possibly stop seeing the person as well. But even so, I think I’d still be glad of the apology.

Original poster
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2018 12:25

I did ask to meet, yes. Why am I apologising? Because a good friend once said to me that one of the most upsetting things about a friendship of her own ending was that the former friend who had hurt her didn’t even seem to realise she’d done anything wrong, hadn’t apologised, or admitted they’d done anything wrong, hadn’t thought it necessary to even try to make amends. That stuck with me, I suppose, that perhaps apologies really are important in helping somebody who’s been wronged move on.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 12:25

Actually I think that’s a good question.

I’d phrase it the way you have in your OP, that you recognise why they’re upset/angry and say how sorry you are that you made them feel that way.

Try not to use I or me too much, and focus on their hurt feelings. Not to the point of grovelling obviously, but enough that they see the apology is genuine.

For what it’s worth it comes across as genuine in your post.

yousignup · 14/08/2018 12:25

Unless it was the sheep poo thing, I would be pleased (not the word) that you at least realised that you were in the wrong, and were owning up to your bad behaviour.
I would at least think better of you because you were taking a step to fixing things. Depending on what you had done, I might or might not forgive you.

Cherubfish · 14/08/2018 12:26

Agree with all of Verbena's post.

Orlandointhewilderness · 14/08/2018 12:26

Good lord what did you do!?

An apology is never a bad thing if you are truly sorry.

Isadora2007 · 14/08/2018 12:27

I would like you to say to me what your opening paragraph says. And maybe you could ask if there is anything you could do to make it any better. And then listen. Give them space to talk and feel
Listened to. Don’t make it all about you. Don’t attempt to justify any of it. And be prepared to accept they are not ready to forgive yet.
Good luck.

CompletelyKate · 14/08/2018 12:28

I said something dreadful that I thought was terribly witty when I had rather more that I should have to drink at a dinner party a few years ago. The person affected called me out on it the day after- not during the meal which was incredibly kind. I was and remain deeply ashamed of what what I said. I apologised but have never forgotten it and use it to curb my tongue now. The person concerned accepted the apology and is close enough to observe my changed behaviour. I think a heartfelt apology is essential, but going forwards it's how you behave in future.

prunemerealgood · 14/08/2018 12:29

I just want to add I would love to know what you said (but I accept you're not going to tell us)!

EmeraldVillage · 14/08/2018 12:29

There is a framework mentioned in this article which is worth a look

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm

Personally for me the worst thing an apology can be is in the form “I’m sorry but”
I’m sorry I shouted but I was under stress
I’m sorry I ate your chocolate but in the past you have eaten mine
I’m sorry I reacted but you were annoying me
Etc etc

FeralBeryl · 14/08/2018 12:30

Are you over self flagellating here?
From the admittedly limited info you give, it doesn't sound like you've set out to massively offend them or hurt them with a deep seated hatred, as you say you really like and respect them.
Don't go massively overboard hand wringing, be truthful, sincere, explain but not extensively what happened, then go, let them know you'd love to hear from them again but no pressure.

Original poster
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2018 12:32

No sheep poo involved! I’m genuinely not being cryptic - the actual situation is just likely to detract from the critical point which is that, whatever the context, I was self-absorbed and an idiot.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/08/2018 12:32

perhaps apologies really are important in helping somebody who’s been wronged move on

Perhaps they get to decide this for themselves, though?

Did your friend want to meet up to do this face to face, or was that what you wanted?

Original poster
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2018 12:34

Definitely not an “I’m sorry but” situation. And I don’t know if I’m self-flagellating, to be honest. I’ve tried putting myself in their position and I think I too would be upset: although I also think I’d be glad they recognised it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2018 12:37

Did your friend want to meet up to do this face to face, or was that what you wanted?

I contacted by WhatsApp the day after and said I recognised things had gotten weird and would they give me the opportunity to meet, clear the air and say sorry. I wouldn’t have pushed if they’d said “it’s fine” or “I’d rather just leave things.” They suggested this eve and location.

You’re right, it is up to them how they take the apology.

OP posts:
mostdays · 14/08/2018 12:37

I wouldn't agree to meet you to discuss unless I thought this was something that could be cleared up fairly easily. If I felt like our friendship was never going to recover I'd say so when you asked to meet. Meeting you to hear you apologise in person would be pointless if I was just going to be "right, ok, you've said sorry, bye".

As for the apology itself, as long as you said sorry and meant it and didn't try and tell me that you were sorry BUT... that'd be fine.

MorningsEleven · 14/08/2018 12:43

You’re right, it is up to them how they take the apology

It's also up to you how you frame it, i.e.

I'm sorry, I've been a total dickhead

VS

I apologise that you think I was being a total dickhead.

AJPTaylor · 14/08/2018 14:39

Be genuine, be sincere. Say exactly what you said. Say what you meant to say (if appropriate). Ask for friend to accept your apology. Given that they are happy to meet i would think they intend to accept it

ScrambledMeg · 14/08/2018 14:48

I agree with much of what has been said already. I would simply to not to labour the point too much because it brings it all.up again embarrassingly. Get it done and then get over it. Good luck.

MrsZB · 14/08/2018 14:52

I’m also really curious about what you said.

I’m also curious about your relationship. The way you write about them makes them sound like you perceive them as different from you, not a friend as such. Like you are less than them?

You sound genuine so I would just apologise. You don’t have to wear a hair shirt forever.

I’d love to know what you said because I get the sense that it isn’t that bad.

Anyway good luck OP. You clearly mean well.

Effluvian · 14/08/2018 15:13

I've been in similar circs and managed to repair things.

More time had elapsed than in your case and no drink involved, but I misjudged her feelings and was thoughtlessly hurtful in a way that I didn't see coming at all. Really close friend.

I sent really lovely local flowers and a card. Spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to say. I went back and found it, so here's the paraphrased version.

For my dear friend Soandso,

I'm sending these because I know that I have upset you with my ham-fisted handling of recent hobby related events.

Please forgive me for having been a thoughtless eejit. Your friendship is treasure to me, and I am sorry for not having treasured you properly.

With love,
Me

She phoned me a couple of days later to let me know apology accepted, and eventually we got back to normal, older and wiser.

We're about four years on and it recently came up in conversation as a fondly remembered learning experience on both sides.

Alittleshaderequired · 14/08/2018 15:23

If I’m really honest I’d much prefer retribution to an apology. But then I’m the person who got back with a boyfriend who’d cheated once whilst v drunk. He was devastated that he’d done it and told me immediately. I pretended to accept his apology, reeled him in as much as I could them dumped him a few months later just when I knew it would hurt most. That worked much better for me that an apology.