Memory of Bullying

[diggingupthepast]

I suppose I'm just posting to get this "down on paper" so to speak... maybe someone has felt in a similar way and dealt with it years later, I don't know.

I have been feeling quite down and anxious lately and couldn't put my finger on why, just due to tiredness, school holidays etc. This morning as I was dozing and the children were waking up I was dreaming about my last day at primary school and I think this must have become a "flashback" as it was so vivid, both visually and emotionally, so much so that I actually felt as if I was there, thirty years later.

I was walking out having had a lovely time that day, leavers assembly's and presents for much loved teachers, the sun shining, ready to move on to a secondary school out of the area, looking forward to a carefree summer of riding bikes and all of the stuff you did at eleven, lots of parents waiting at the gate, smiling with brothers and sisters.

Suddenly I was alone and surrounded getting pushed and slapped - it was the year above returned from the local comp, they'd come back to get me, and me only, I got punched and I got eggs smashed over my head, not one parent intervened, some laughed as did many of their children, I tried to fight back but was such a weedy child it was hopeless. Not one person stepped up to intervene until a teacher leaving in their car pulled over and took me back inside.

Those children had made my life hell for the first three years of junior school and I'd had one year free of them to be myself. One year of not being spat on, getting pushed into corners, having my bag kicked or being tripped in the playground or chased and hit as I walked home. I'd passed the eleven plus and that was all behind me and yet they planned to come back after not hearing of them for a whole year.

I've had therapy for other stuff in my life for a few years and yet this never came to the surface until now. It was so vivid that I woke up sobbing - DP has been lovely and I'm giving the children extra cuddles on the sofa... I think this one incident and the preceding bullying has been buried so deep it's always had a knock on effect. Why would children be so vindictive? I've no doubt I was probably an annoying child, a bit of a goody goody but why was I deserving of that?

I am trying to think of ways to forgive and move on - I have no doubt that some of those involved had difficult lives and my memory may not be completely accurate but how is it that I'm sitting here as an outwardly happy, well adjusted, successful(ish) forty something feeling as drained and anxious as that 11 year old who had their whole life ahead of them?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

It's horrible and I feel so sorry for you having been there myself. Bullying has long term effects that often we aren't even fully aware of. It changes our perception of the rest of the human race. I was bullied right through high school by one group of girls. My god they were vicious bitches.. as a result I have spent my entire adult life (and I am 65 on Friday) never making close female friends and finding any social occasion the seventh circle of hell.

A couple of years ago I came across one of these girls and contacted her via Friends Reunited. She proceeded to tell me what a great life she had , never been married but a v rich partner, drove new Italian sports cars etc etc. I told her how she ( she was the main culprit) had affected my whole life and she actually found it amusing and tried to brush it off...

The thing is, you can forgive, but you can never forget and the memories pop up and hit you when you least expect it. There is no easy answer to resolve your feelings but I would suggest some sort of counselling to help you deal with them. It's lovely that your DP is being supportive and understanding but you need a professional to help you move on xx

People who think bullying doesn’t affect your entire life have obviously never been bullied. I’m 40 and I still feel afraid and cross the road when I see someone wearing a tracksuit.

Basically, some people are just evil twats. Whether they’re 11, or 40, or 70.

yeah, the memories can hit for no apparent reason. I was bullied throughout school too. I'm sorry.

I was bullied at primary and have flashback like you describe. I feel children like that have missed out on something they need at home...their cup is not full so to speak. I now feel terribly sad for my bully. She had an awful childhood (though it wasn't evident to us at the time) and has had quite a sad life so far with few friends. I think in most cases the way the school dealt with it is where we were really let down.

Looks like all around - thanks for reading xx

...and thinking here, this morning I think it's because our two are moving into reception and year two that I'm perhaps worried for them or reflecting on my own experience. They are lovely, innocent happy little children and I find myself overly conscious of every little thing that might be a sign of their unhappiness or being picked upon. It must be the same for every parent I suppose.

Children are so lovely to us yet so many here remember how some that young can be so cruel.

This from The Guardian today:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/aug/21/when-my-childhood-bully-said-sorry-40-years-too-late?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other