I think I've taken on the role of partner to my mother

[sleepingtablets]

I am a 19 year old woman who has grown up without a father figure at home. My mother has been single since my parents got divorced when I was very young. She doesn't have any friends to speak of, and while her parents are reasonably supportive, she is still deeply hurt by mistakes they made during her childhood.

Over the last 18 months or so I have realised that in some ways I may have adopted the role of a spouse/partner/equal to her in the household. I don't think it's particularly healthy and I've become aware that it's caused me a lot of pain. I'm not angry with her in any way as she has been through an awful lot and I'm so proud of the way she's handled being a single parent with very little support. However, she confides in me (hence I know about the hurt she feels from her childhood, and details of what happened between her and my father, and how she feels about her friends, or lack thereof), and sometimes I feel responsible for ensuring she is not alone at events we attend together when perhaps I would like to be trying to make my own friends. I also feel like I have slipped into a role of siding with her when it comes to her decisions regarding disciplining my younger sibling, when actually I am a child (rather than a parent) too, and therefore an equal to my sibling and not my mother. I'm not really sure how all of this has happened, nor how to fix it. How should I deal with it?

Can you talk to your Mum?

You need to talk to my daughter! She's 36. She told me a while ago 'I can't be your whole world, Mum.' And of course she can't. Your mum presumably still wants to be a good mum to you. That means she has to evolve and change in her mothering, just as you do in your life. Point that out to her. and do your own thing.

Well done for recognizing this op! It’s not that uncommon and by recognizing it you can change it.

You’re going to have to fake a thick skin and it won’t be comfortable but it’ll be better for you.

It’d pick one thing to start with. I’d pick disciplining you’re siblings. When your mum is disciplining maybe try leaving the room, responding to her trying to bring you in with a ‘hmmm’ or saying ‘I’m not sure I should get involved mum, this is between you and ds/dd’.

She won’t like it, she’ll probably say you’re unsupportive, no one respects her, she’s given so much and this is what she gets. Just keep saying, ‘no that’s not true, this just doesn’t involve me’ or ‘I’m not ds/dd dad’ in a light hearted way.

Maybe start a new hobby still, alone! Or dawdle home, or check-in less. What do you need to feel more free?

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your DM sleeping (despite the problem you have posted about) can you talk to her?
You sound mature from your post with a good understanding of the situation, I think you could articulate this to her with getting upset or causing too much upset, gently at first so that your DM does feel blamed for what has happened.
I guess the issue of you feeling you are brought in as back up to help discipline your younger sibling is difficult, your DM has had to parent alone for so long and probably feels that as you live in the family home too, you should help run the home as the elder sibling.

Doesn't feel blame

She sounds like a classic narcissist OP. Tread carefully.

she doesn't sound like a narcissist to me - just a lonely woman who has a lovely caring daughter who she is turning to more and more as the daughter grows up.

But not healthy for the OP, I get that. I think a loving chat with her - that you will be there for her, and she's not alone, but you need her to be your /the mum, and that means you need her to take disciplining decisions, that you trust her to do the right thing (if you do); and that you believe she can grow and flourish, and that while you'll help her, you can't and wont' do that for her, as you are growing up yourself .

You need to have a heart to heart with her before you end up resenting her for this. She maybe doesn't realise she's doing it, and probably would feel bad if she knew. Go for a coffee and explain how you feel :)

My MIL was like this. It started with her spending a lot of time with her son because her husband died, and in the end she got very clingy and basically prevented him having a life. He felt guilty about going out and living a normal young person’s life with friends and dating, because it meant leaving his mother alone, and if he did go out she’d take the huff and stop speaking to him.

OP it’s best if you can sort this now as your mum will only become more dependent as time goes on, and more upset when you eventually need your own life. Perhaps encourage her to try online dating or hobby groups?

Agree best to sort now - I'm 27 and trying to 'fix' my own situaruon which sounds v v like yours. My mum started telling me about her childhood abuse at age 12... I'm not sure what she expected me to do. I am very slowly realising I am not her partner, her mother nor am I responsible for her happiness - running her life is not my job. I do feel desperately sad that she is unhappy but I am 27 - never been abroad, or even travelled in the UK had a relationship, never go out, never done anything 'exciting... if I want to do something its major.. if I'm poorly its a disaster...

I've had two nervous breakdowns thanks to the way things are.

I want that to change.

I think don't make a big deal, if you can somehow just gradually stop? That's what I was told to do, just slowly drop the stuff I do (making sure someone else picks up the pieces where needed).

It isn't necessarily my or your mum's fault though, it's all v sad really.

Easier at 19 than 27 when you're stuck in a rut of depression and trying to please everyone!