Self harm advice *possible trigger*

[Donthugmeimscared]

My dd (13) told me she is self harming. I have taken her to the drs where she has been reffered to cams (not sure how it's spelt)but I need some help as what to do in the meantime.

As a family we have been through so much in the last year I split from her ea step dad who I had been with for 10 years and this year it came out that he had been physically abusing her step brothers so we have had ss involvement this year. I'm also very stressed as I'm under investigation by tax credits who seem to believe that my ex is still living with me as he didn't change his address on some of his accounts so I have the fear of not being able to live hanging over my head. The boys also argue alot which means we don't live in the most relaxing of households.

I have changed jobs recently to work in a school so I can spend a bit more time with the children.

I just don't know how to help her. I try to listen but it's not always easy to have time with her two younger demanding brothers. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I used to self harm.

I was older than your DD, but I did it when I felt that everything was getting out of my control. For me, it was a way of getting some power back.

It seems daft writing that, but at the time it really did seem like the only option.

It sounds to me like your daughter is going through something similar. There's all this shit that she's being exposed to, and she's struggling to cope.

It would be good to see whether you can find some other outlet for her. I discovered running as I grew older, and use it as a different way of exerting control. Admittedly I do sometimes run until I'm dying, but muscles recover easily with a little TLC. There's no hiding the scars on my arms.

It's good that you're there for her, she will appreciate that. Just keep doing the best you can

It sounds like you know you're not giving her the attention she needs, and that's understandable, you've so much going on. Is there anyone that might take the boys off your hands for a day, or could they go to a holiday club? Then you can spend some time together, not necessarily talking about the difficult stuff but putting some focus on her and what she wants/ needs.

Thank you for the replies I've managed to sort out a day out with her in a weeks time. It's so hard to know how to deal with it. She does go out running alot but also locks herself away.

A psychiatric nurse at the cmht told me that instead of self harming with a knife or something equally dangerous to hold an ice cube until it starts to melt.

Apparently because you get the pain still but it doesn't actually cause harm.

Maybe your daughter could try this as a stepping stone to stopping self harming.

What worked for me was the fear of getting sepsis or infection in a wound.

Obviously the underlying cause of the self harming does need to be dealt with too - cahms or the gp should provide counselling or psychotherapy- there's usually a long wait unfortunately though.

I used to self harm as a teenager and into my early twenties. I'm another one who did for control as everything else was spinning out of control in my world so I think part of it was about me choosing when and how I hurt. What would've helped me a lot was my Mum being supportive instead of judgemental. I think it says a lot your DD told you and means she most likely trusts you.

I know it's still self harming as such but one thing that did help me was having an elasticated bobble around my wrist and flicking that when things got too much. At least it doesn't cause any more scars.

You don't sound like you would do this but definitely don't take her tools off her (whatever she is using to self harm) as that can make things so much worse.

Can you talk with her about strategies she could use instead of sh?

Maybe she will be able to come up with some on her own, but suggestions might include:

Listen to music
Go for a walk
Write down what is in her head
Mindfulness (lots of free apps)
Talk to you
Talk to a friend
Call Childline
Draw a picture

I'd also direct her towards wellbeinginfo.org (lots of helpful, accessible information) and #Reasons2. #Reasons2 is a free smartphone app that basically functions like Instagram for people who are focusing on the positive, but has built-in access to information and sources of support. It's worth checking out.

Thank you so much for the ideas. I self harmed for a period in my life after my dad dropped dead in front of me as a teenager but I used it as a way to feel something as I was totally numb to the world and never even cried. It was different circumstances and to this day I have never told anyone about it but I do have the scars from it. I will tell her the ice idea. She's also very into writing so that's a good idea. We talk about alot of things so I'm hoping she will carry on being able to talk to me as I never had that with my mum. She told the Dr she also has suicidal thoughts which is pretty scary to hear as a mum so they have put her down as an urgent referal.