Children but still got a ‘you’ life?!

[Chosenbyyou]

Hi

Just wondering if you could give me perspectives on having children but also having a proper life of your own?!

Hope I’m explaining this??!

I have a 16mo and a 3yo and feel like I have lost all semblance of my own life! I work compressed hours for four days, am doing a post grad and my husband works shifts.

My youngest doesn’t sleep well and I’m struggling so go to bed early.

I feel like I have lost all my own interests and personality!

When does ‘my’ life come back or is it over - work or childcare or coursework?!

Anyone got any ideas on how to rebalance or get over it?

Do you have a life?!

I have a hobby, it takes me out of the house one evening a week. DH is home to look after DS3
I also go out a couple of times a month with friends. DH is perfectly happy with this. Obviously he can have nights out too but rarely does.
Find a night when your DH is home, see which friends are free and go out. Even if it's just for a couple of hours. Go have a glass of wine or two. We sometimes do a cheapo curry on a Monday night. It doesn't have to be a weekend night.
I have 1 child and it's never an issue. Unless you're BF with a bottle refuser, there shouldn't be a reason why you can't have an evening out. Maybe that's a bit naive of me though

I was working and studying when my children were both under five. It was gruelling and I had very little time or energy left for anything else.

It does get better as they get older. But I’d say that you have to actively carve out time for your own life - friends, hobbies etc - even when you’re children are older. It’s easy to lose yourself.

For now, though, you have a very full schedule, so I wouldn’t put any extra pressure on yourself. I found exercise was a (healthy) way to have some time and space for myself when my D.C. were small. I’m not talking hours in the gym - but a walk, a swim, a weekly fun class.

I’m a little ahead of you (DC are 6 & nearly 4), I work 3 days a week & am doing a PT masters over 3 years.

I have recently noticed that things are starting (to slowly) get better. The 30hrs free funding helps (I use some of these hours on a non working day to exercise, clean, catch up with friends over coffee. Also the children are becoming more independent, youngest now gets dressed alone, can put in shoes etc. They are little things but they all add up to give me more free minutes!

DH works long hours so weeknight evenings I am stuck in, so I have to make the most of weekends and the few child free hours I get in the week.

Are you able to cut working hours down a bit? Get a cleaner to free up time?

Thank you - I think I need more evenings out! Probably sacrifice this for sleep but I don’t think that is actually helping me be happier?!

I could reduce my hours but I would still have the same role and it would make it harder for me to complete work for my clients. It’s a creative role and there is just a ‘job’ from a client so they expect a full time resource. My course is directly related to my job so it should help in the long run.

Wicker - you are amazing! 4 under 4 would be so hard for me I would break!!

Thank you all I do appreciate the responses, gives me hope that I will get there.

I had two a year and a half apart, they are now 2 and 1. I managed to run 10 hours and go to the gym twice a week throughout the first year with the two of them. That was my 'me time', other than that it felt extremely full on! Now I'm back at work I feel there's a better balance with more child free time and head space.
I think it's all about time management and making sure you stay motivated to get out and do what you enjoy. And very importantly have a supportive husband who recognises the importance of your mental wellbeing.
That said, I have no idea whatsoever how you are managing to study and would think your free time is absorbed in that?

As they grow up (assuming that they don't have additional needs, like autism,) you will get more time for you. But one day you will take them to the park and they don't want to play because they are too old. Where did the time go?

I completely lost my identity when my DC were that age, I only regained it when the youngest turned three. I was also doing my degree then post grad and working PT. I gained a lot of weight whilst pregnant and felt fat and frumpy, I just really didn’t feel like myself at all.

I lost all of the weight, finished my degree and subsequently found a career I wanted. Plus my DC had moved past the stage of nappies and waking in the night, it helps!

Pink - thank you! I am soooo looking forward to the no nappies and no waking in the night. Then I could stay up later and probably have more me time!!

I want my interests back as obviously I was interested in them and I think it made me a better happier person.

Feel like this is a treadmill and it won’t stop xx

This is a good balance.
You have a job, spend time raising your children and can find time to study, that's great.
Maybe these things aren't making you happy and you need to rethink, but as far as a good life goes i know many who'd love this lifestyle.
It's a great balance as well, you have me time ito the study, work so you are more than just a mum and being Mum, because you are one.
It's hard to keep perspective when you are knackered due to having a poor sleeper.

I was working two days, studying and looking after my (then) 3 and 5 year old. I couldn't do it, and had to defer the study. I admire people who just get their head down and do it, but I was miserable. As I've got older I am more confident to say, no I can't do this all.

I went back to my study and completed it 2 years later, and because I'm mad just started another lot 🤦‍♀️

I take my hat off to you. I did a post grad when mine were 7 and 10 and at schoola in oppisite directions around a full time job that I'd started again at the bottom a couple of years previously. It was beyond hard and they could entertain themselves but it was all worth it. However like you I had to manage time carefully and there was no wriggle room to put in an extra day for a distinction which was soul destroying.

But you really only have 6/7 months left and if you chunk it up it will fly by. Get x done by end of Sept, x and y by NY day, final leg of z by March. I struggled with my dissertation and cracked it by booking a cottage with wi-fi in Somerset (MIL came for four days and DH took a couple of days off). It was a struggle and I still ended up working through the night and getting it bound the following morning to hand in at 12 noon.

Fast forward OP and I'm now a director in my organisation, the DC are grown, it strengthened our marriage because I had something other than the DC to focus on and even without DH we'd be OK and financially independent unlike some of the mums of their friends where the marriages, seemingly perfect ones, have broken up as the DC hit their late teens and the women haven't worked for 20.

We’ve got a 4 year old (with possible ASD) and 1-year-old twins. I work full time (I’m a dad). We don’t have family members that can provide childcare. There is precisely zero “me time”. It’s pretty awful to be honest.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Two children, full-time work, studying for a Masters in the evenings... and husband working shifts! I feel slightly nauseous just remembering that time, how hard it was. My children were considerably older (5 and 8) which makes it much easier I think (not sleeping enough would be miles worse than not having a proper social life for me - and I wonder if that’s what you should try to fix first). If you don’t have family to help you, the best thing to do in my view is to be patient and not expect to excel at everything. I felt I became more direct and productive though.. Once I finished my course, I suddenly felt like I had SO much time. It ws such a huge sense of relief! So everything is relative and should keep your expectations quite low too (sorry If it sounds depressing!). I’d say you still have some years to be able to feel like you have a social life that doesn’t revolve around the children (which is not necessarily bad if you find good friends among parents and if you are able to raise children who are good company). The best of luck for you!!