In-laws are rubbish grandparents!

[NotAnotherUserName5]

I’m so disappointed in my ILs as grandparents. They don’t do anything to nurture a good relationship between them and the kids, and I’m becoming resentful.

They refuse to come on days out with us if we ask.

They won’t play with them, or read to my son when he brings a book to either of them (it’s horrible seeing mil repeatedly batting a Mr Men book down my 3 year old is trying to show her) or have my daughter over for a sleepover despite her asking while they stand there cringing. She us only 6 but asked us why they said no. She looked hurt. I feel so sad for her.

They don’t bother with going to the effort to pick presents, but instead shove money in an envelope. They did this for our 1 year old recently.

My kids are good and very loving. It hurts that they make zero effort.

They pop over for5 minute stints and sometimes are offended that the kids don’t make a big fuss of their arrival, but they often are ambivalent towards them and they fail to see its their fault.

We have no other grandparents on the scene, so these are all my kids have. These are all the grandkids they have too as dh is an only child.

To top all this off, they are extremely judgemental and vocal about how we parent, which boils my blood! They don’t even really know our children.

Would I BU to bring it up with them? I’m not sure how I handle this situation. Dh is far too placid with his parents, and they treat him like a child still, but I’m struggling to hold it back

Honestly feel like moving away from them!

I would have dropped contact, by now. Not for the lack of babysitting, but for the general disinterest.

My DD has a 3 and 1 year old and even her friends, who aren't particularly child orientated, show more interest than your ILs, do.

Challenge them if they are critical and tell them straight.

It can't get any worse.

That's disappointing. But the fact they do come round and hope for a reaction from the children, and they do give a present (card and some cash isn't nothing) means it may be due to lack of thought and ability rather than not caring. Which means you have something to work with.

Rather than getting angry and quietly seething could you try bright and breezy, and get them more involved when possible?

E.g.

1. 3 year old asking to be read to: "Grandma: DS would like you to read him a book. Could you please read to him whilst I sort xyz"

If she outright refuses "OK, I'll read it to you DS. Grandma, will you sit next to DS and read with us?" (After seeing it, she might do it next time)

1. DD requesting sleepover.

At the time: "Sorry, DD. Grandma and Grandad don't feel quite up to that just now" (your children will pick up on your emotions, so you need to be positive about grandparents to them). Later to grandparents alone: "DD would really like a sleepover with you. What do you feel up to?" (they might agree to her coming over for a few hours alone one afternoon, and you can build up over time)

1. When given money in a card. "That's really kind of you. DD would love an xyz. Let's have a look on the computer all together and pick one out" (Then they get practice at choosing gifts)

1. When they comment on kids not making a fuss over them. "You're right, it's so important for you all to build a relationship. DD, why don't you take Grandma and Grandad to your room and show them your

It may be that they lack confidence. Try gently broaching the subject. "Ds was upset you didn't read his book with him, he loves reading together"...

I would say no grandparents are better than shit ones though to be honest.

I'd be ambivalent back to them. They might or might not get a bit better as the children get older. It can be hard to feign interest in e.g. children's books or what toys to get them if you're out of practice. But I wouldn't make loads of effort that isn't returned either. If they want to be involved they know where you are.

It's totally understandable for anyone not to have a six year old for a sleepover or even look after them on their own in the day if they don't want to so I wouldn't push that. But I would be giving very short shrift to complaints that they don't make enough fuss when the grandparents arrive, that's just ridiculous.

@nordicwannabe

Said it perfectly.

A lot of the time people are not deliberately horrid, they are just a bit shit

Strange that they see very little of your dc ( 5 mins a time?? ) and seemingly give them so very little attention yet your dc's seem fond of them. Is it really this bad or do you just expect more from them?

What great advice from @nordicwannabe.

They may not have liked the experience of parenting much - what are your dh's memories? We had an only partly because we found it so hard. It does sound like they are trying. Of course they would ideally follow the kids' lead, but are there things they would do?

What were they like as parents?

The fact that they only had the one child might suggest that neither of them is very fond of children.

Whatever the reason for their unfriendly approach, I wouldn't bother seeing them if I were in your position.

I cannot understand it - I utterly adore my grandchildren.

My ILs are like this but as they had 4 chikdren they've declared their time looking after children is over and they want to enjoy what life they have left.