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Original poster

Kids left alone - am I overreacting?

52 replies

AIOR · 12/08/2018 22:43

Need a bit of advice please as I'm worried I'm letting emotions cloud my judgement. Apologies for the length but I don't want to drip feed. Have been around for a few years but name changed to stop this being linked to my previous posts.

H and I are recently separated and are currently going through an amicable divorce. H's choice but I'm accepting of it.

H has taken both DC on holiday this week to a camp site. DC are 6 and 2. It's the first time they've been away from me for longer than a weekend and I was pretty nervous beforehand.

I spoke to H before they went and said I had concerns about them being lost, falling into one of the lakes or pools or being abducted. I accepted that these things were unlikely and that I didn't doubt him but due to my anxiety it was helpful to voice my concerns. H reassured me that they would be fine and he would be with them all the time.

Fast forward to today they've come home. Both DC have been allowed to go off on the site either together or with a 9 and 5 year old. DC2 has scraped knees from where DC1 dragged him out of a road after he fell when a car was coming and they both panicked. Apparently this was a site road so very low speed limit. Also both DC were bought back in a groundsman's 4x4 after they became separated and lost on the site. The groundsman picked them both up and returned them to H. They've been to other families tents and to a park that was within sight of H's tent.

I'm angry and I'm upset. I feel very lucky that nothing bad happened to either DC. Am I overreacting though? How would other people feel? Fwiw both DC have enjoyed themselves.

Both H and the DC have relayed the above information to me.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 12/08/2018 23:28

YANBU it is completely irresponsible and he is lucky nothing actually happened. I don't think I would want them to go away with him again under those circumstances. Not sure how you control this though as presumably he has access at certain times. Can you speak to the in laws? See if they can support him?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/08/2018 23:28

I think that the 9 yr old was put in a very awful position. A 9 yr old should not have the responsiblity of younger children. Its was very unfair. How would a 9 yr old feel if something bad happened?

My DD is 11 and a sensible girl, but I still wouldnt put her in that position.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/08/2018 23:30

That's awful. The very thought of a 2yo wandering around fills me with terror. Mine are 4 and 6 and I wouldn't let them out of my sight in the situation you describe, and neither would dh.

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Original poster
AIOR · 12/08/2018 23:40

I'm glad that you don't think I am mad or overreacting! Thank you for all the replies.

I suffer with anxiety and sometimes I worry my response isn't normal in certain situations. It helps to know that others feel the same as I do in regards to leaving children alone.

I do need to talk it through with him but I know I'm likely to be met with a shrug of the shoulders and a "nothing happened to them so why are you stressing". Either that or sulking.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/08/2018 23:51

Its that kind of blase attitude that would piss me off.

Something may not have happened to them then, but something might next time. You need to make it clear to him that there better not be a next time.

RaininSummer · 12/08/2018 23:56

They were far too young to be wandering about alone or with other kids. This sounds so much like the backstory you read after some horrible fate has befallen a young child.

Ozgirl75 · 13/08/2018 01:45

When we have camped I let my 8 and 5 year old go off on bikes to the play areas, but they are sensible and stick together, plus I wander up to check on them from time to time. When my youngest was 5 was the first year I would let them do this by themselves.

Plus they have clear and strict orders about where they can and can’t go (only the play areas, no tents, no going off with anyone).

At 2 and 6 no way, and I am a moderately relaxed parent, in Australia (which is more relaxed anyway).

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 13/08/2018 02:45

I'd go absolutely ballistic. I'm sorry you have to put up with such a useless coparent.

User24689 · 13/08/2018 02:52

I have DD few months older than your youngest and it's a YANBU from me. The thought of her wandering a campsite unsupervised is terrifying. He's an idiot.

DamnCommandments · 13/08/2018 07:53

My six year old is allowed to go to camp site toilet blocks and shops alone during the day. She's not allowed to go into other people's tents without asking me first. She's allowed to go to the play area with her big sister (9) but has never asked to go alone.

When she was two she was in my sight the whole time.

DamsonGin · 13/08/2018 08:03

Maybe nothing happened but he's put them in a situation where something was far more likely to happen. A six year old is not a responsible adult.

QuoadUltra · 13/08/2018 08:05

YANBU

ThatsWotSheSaid · 13/08/2018 08:11

The 6 year old on her own would be okay in my opinion. My dd is 7 and I’ve just started letting her go round the campsite on her own but there were younger children unsupervised. However a 2 year old!!! No way are they old enough and a 6 year old is not mature enough to baby sit as demonstrated by the fact she lost him and panicked when he fell.

ems137 · 13/08/2018 08:23

I am a fairly relaxed parent and I totally misread their ages as 6 & 12! 2 years old?! Oh my goodness, that is absolutely shocking!! My 2 year old is barely ever out of my sight at home let alone at a campsite.

Totally and utterly ridiculous of him and if this was my ex I would 100% be speaking to my solicitor about this and his inability to risk assess appropriately

Crushcuz · 13/08/2018 08:28

Horrifying. The 6 year old is bad enough, let along the 2 year old. Still a toddler!

To think of the caretaker man picking them up and putting them in his van and driving off just gives me the chills. Jesus Christ. Thank God he wasn't sinister.

The bit that alarms me the most is that your H clearly doesn't see any wrong doing in this. That's the shocking part!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 13/08/2018 08:38

I would email him and his family about it. Tell them what you know factually and explain that this is neglectful and you are very concerned for the children’s safety. Please can he care for them as they are very ulnerable around the lakes, roads and strangers.

Make sure you log everything by email as it might be beneficial to keep a written account of this, particularly if it’s going to continue. It is neglect.

Wemadeit · 13/08/2018 08:42

I witnessed a child fall in a lake at a campsite and if adults hadn’t been around to jump straight in I dread to think what would have happened. It only takes a split second.

GreenMeerkat · 13/08/2018 08:44

YANBU. I'd be raging!

Juanbablo · 13/08/2018 08:54

I wouldn't be happy about this at all! Anything could have happened.

Mehaveit · 13/08/2018 09:04

Everyone else has said the main points so I wanted to add the question: what was your ex H doing that was more important than looking after his own children and keeping them safe?

TheVanguardSix · 13/08/2018 09:06

I’d withdraw contact and wait for him to apply to the court for access. When he applies, if I were you, I’d stipulate supervised contact. And I’d fight hard for that.

This isn’t about being vengeful or delivering a strong message. It’s about your children’s welfare in the hands of a flaky parent. He can love them to the moon and back but love is not the same as protection. Love and protection don’t automatically make good bedfellows.

The bottom line is that your kids’ safety is compromised in their father’s care. And as difficult it is, you’ll have to play hardball with your ex. It’s not about him and his needs. It’s about your kids’ needs. And ‘talking’ rarely helps certain types of people to see the light.

Booboostwo · 13/08/2018 09:12

That is shocking.

I would allow my sensible 7yo to go to specific places unsupervised in a safe campsite, e.g. to the shops and back, but I wouldn’t let the 2yo out of sight. Looking after a toddler is hard work, and in an unfamiliar environment that might have all sorts of dangers you need to have eyes on them all the time. Putting a 6yo in charge of a 2yo is borderline abusive. How would the 6yo feel if the 2yo had been harmed while in his care?!

I think you need to get legal advice ASAP and see how you can get your serious concerns about the DCs welfare recorded in case he takes you to court for access later on.

ZanyMobster · 13/08/2018 09:15

I think 6 is way too young IMO to be anywhere on their own expect maybe a front garden at home as long as you can see them. I am stunned that he thinks DCs need a bit of freedom at this age. 9&5 are also too young to be pit together alone, 9yo olds should not be responsible for younger children.

I know you say he should see them as he's their dad etc but I really don't think I could as would not trust him to keep them safe.

3WildOnes · 13/08/2018 09:16

I let mine play out of sight from 5 or 6 on a small campsite, with no water, that we know well. On larger campsites they would need to be 7 or 8 to play out of sight but not far away. To have free rein they would need to be 9.

WillowRose79 · 13/08/2018 09:19

How petrified must your elder child of been having to drag his brother out of the road when there was a car coming! I would be absolutely furious!!!

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