How on earth do I prepare a 2 year old for their grandparents emigrating?

[BowBelle81]

My in-laws are emigrating to the other side of the world (we're in UK, they're going to Australia) in September when my DS will be 2.5yo. He ADORES them. They look after him one day a week while we're at work, and see him a lot of weekends as well, and he frequently chats away about them (in a nonsensical 2yo way...) when they're not here. He's very attached to them and they're a big part of his life.

So how do we get him ready for not seeing them in person again for at least a year and a half?

I'm really stuck for ideas. We talk a bit about Australia anyway (my DH is Australian), and his aunt and uncle both live abroad so he gets the whole idea of "they are some people we love but only Skype and see in person very occasionally", but this feels like a proper loss for him. I've read advice about dealing with grandparents dying but this feels a bit different - I'm not sure he'll understand why he can talk to them on the phone/video but they can't come and be with him in person.

And to avoid drip feeds, I'm pregnant and due in October so he'll have two big changes in quite quick succession. Great timing...

Has anyone talked a toddler through anything similar? Or any brilliant ideas generally?? I know he's only 2 but I want to make this as easy as possible for him and not start worrying that other people in his life (his other grandparents, me and his dad, aunts and uncles who live nearby) are going to disappear too.

I think children have a very different perception of time, so he might not be as affected as you expect him to be.

The only thing I can think of is to start the Skyping now. He may be excited that he can see them while he's in his pjs, eating dinner, or some other unusual time where he couldn't normally.

Honestly though, I would really not stress about this. He is so young and they adapt a million times quicker than we do.

I spent ages freaking out about changing my 2yo's nursery when we moved house. She had formed a really close bond with her key worker and really loved her to pieces. I really thought it would hit her hard. But she was fine within just a couple of weeks.

I'd say it's a good thing it's happening now rather than in a few years time.

I'd probably try and cut down how much contact he has with them so it's not too much of a drop when they go.

@cause that's a good idea about starting skyping now! Thanks. Am a bit reassured by your DD's nursery story as well - he is also very attached to his key person so it's good to know she adapted quickly

@PatheticNurse, yeah, my MIL wondered that. But I feel bad for her as well, cause if I were her I'd want to make the most of the time (she's very upset to be going, it's a bit complicated but they wouldn't be off right now if not for some other wider family complications)

@IWanna I REALLY hope you're right! They were on holiday recently and it felt like there was incessant chat from DS about whether they were coming back soon. Not sure I can cope with that till Christmas 2019!

I do think that toddlers adapt better than you would think. I genuinely think that they do see time differently and can be quite accepting of what they are told. I think that as long as they are bonded with you and dh they will be find. When Dd1 was a toddler we moved 3 times and had Dd2.she had phases of seeing gparents a lot and then time without (no skype then!). In terms of prep, i wouldnt. They mistake i made with my kids was telling them stuff too soon. It becomes a big deal. Literally the week before i would explain in terms that he can understand. Even if its that they are going on a long holiday to see auntie x. You can then as timw goes on say you will see them next xmas or whatever.
Sounds like a difficult choice/situation all round, hope it all works out for the best all round

I think you will be surprised. OH had to work abroad for 9 months when DD was 2. We talked on Skype and she just got on with it :-)

To be honest, I don't think they will be bothered - unless you start making a BIG thing of it.

Actually I think it is you who will have the problem. You are pregnant and rely on them for support and childcare. You are losing your one day a week, yet will have two to look after.

Look after yourself - your LO will be fine.

We had a similar situation except we were the ones emigrating. My children were 2 and 3 years old and we saw PIL once a week and most weekends.

We never made a big thing about it. To be honest, they didn’t particularly understand the distance or that they wouldn’t see their grandparents again in person (FIL died 2yrs later, MIL too old to travel) but we started weekly FaceTime conversations straight away so by the time they realised they wouldn’t see them again in person, they were used to seeing them every week over FaceTime. It’s just normal for them now.

I agree with not making a BIG thing of it. You don't need to start preparing a 2 year old very far in advance. They live a lot more in the moment than we do. Pretend it's a happy, exciting adventure for the grandparents. How about getting a koala or kangaroo teddy and talking about how lovely, granny and granddad might see one in their new home etc. etc. Would also be a nice prop for kid to wave at them when Skyping.

We moved abroad ourselves when DD was a similar age (I was also 7 months pregnant), and there were friends with similar age toddlers wed seen at least twice a week her whole life. I worried about her mission them but the only time she was upset was when they couldn't come to a party. The rest of the time she chatted about them but not with any upset. Gradually she forgot them tbh and they were replaced by new people.

Keep busy and make sure he has other people who love him in his life and other things to look forward to. Agree with the suggestion to Skype a bit even before TT hey go. No need to see them less as long as you have things planned after they leave.

*missing not mission

I agree with PP who say your DS will most likely just accept it and get on with things. He has everything he needs in your little family.

My DD and DGC live at the other side of the country. We see them every couple of months. We are actually closer (I believe anyway) than their other GPs who live a few miles away, because when we go we stay a few days rather than a few hours. I know that's a lot different to Australia.

The older one at 3 completely understands the distance - they look at maps and journey times. I'll often say are you coming to see me and she'll say 'no, it's too far, you come here' . She rings me all the time and we do countdowns to when we'll next meet. We send each other silly bits of stuff all the time. A picture or card about something we experienced together, to keep the connection while we're apart.

The GPs who are emigrating though - it will be much harder for them.

Thanks all for very reassuring messages. Have been flat out at work all day so just catching up now and am feeling better about it...

@Stay - yeah, it will definitely be hardest for the GPs, my MIL especially. The whole "saying goodbye" could be a bit of a tear fest I think, though am going to ask her to keep it as low key as she can manage. And I like your ways of staying connected, thanks!

@AJPTaylor interesting point about not telling him too far in advance. I was thinking I might need to start warming him up to the idea soon but actually yeah, should probably rethink that. I guess it's quite an adult think to want to be forewarned of a change. And a long holiday to see uncle and auntie is a good idea. I think he kind of gets that his aunt and uncle live in aus, so hearing that they're going to see them might make some sense. Thanks

@blueskies you're braver than me, I think relocating is close to my worst nightmare at this stage of pregnancy! Glad to hear your DD was fine

@Neeshoma - thanks. We're very lucky that my parents are also not far away, so we have some extra support with them. I am sad for my DH, but it's the right move for the in laws so we'll definitely just make the best of it

Try not to overthink it OP ( easy to say I know ) as long as his little world has his parents in it, in his home with all the things he knows and loves, he will be fine. Obviously there's going to be a change with a new baby but ime they adapt really quite well.

It will be sad when they leave, your PILs must be heartbroken leaving you all and especially DS. Hopefully you can maintain that bond with them through Skype and phone calls etc. Has he got a photo of them up so when you talk about them he can visualise them?

My DD had a similar relationship with my brother and I was very concerned she’d feel upset more so than the rest of us when he moved to Australia in April. However, she doesn’t seem to be missing him at all! She talks about Uncle Saturday being on holiday now and again, and we FaceTime every few weeks, but she’s never sad about it. I agree with what a PP said about a toddler’s concept of time, and I think DD is a perfect example of this. Maybe you could phrase it in a similar way?