I’m feeling lost and wondering if anyone can relate out there. Sorry as I think this will end up long.
I had my DS nearly 18 months ago. Before he was born unfortunately I experienced recurrent miscarriage. This led to me having 3 erpc operations. No official cause was found for the losses, but luckily DH and I were able to have DS after I was treated with some drugs to help support the pregnancy.
When DS was born his delivery was complicated. I was induced and he took nearly a week to arrive, in the end they discovered he was back to back. He was born via forceps and an episiotomy in the end. His birth and the journey to get there was such a traumatic part of my life, took 4 difficult years, I was depressed around the time of the third loss and had counselling.
I felt a failure, is the only way to describe it - it was like the journey to have a baby was a part of realising fears I’d had for a long time about well... failing.
DS is a lovely happy little boy, despite my parenting ... but I’m a worrier. I think my anxiety that I will lose him is potentially magnified by feeling for so long that i would never have him. I check him all the time at night despite him being a fairly decent sleeper. I worry incessantly about his development despite everyone telling me he is fine. I try to stay normal on the surface while paddling furiously underneath.
DH and I have both always imagined two DCs, and here we are, ready to start ttc dc2. My fears aren’t really about practical things (maybe they should be...) but more... I worry I will have some sort of breakdown having DC2. Like my brain will implode with worry. Or like how could I possibly love another child? And a bit like the thought of having another teeny baby in my arms is a betrayal to DS?
Just wondering if there’s anyone out there listening really. Sorry to go on a bit.