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Original poster

To admire this woman?

26 replies

BellaAmora · 12/08/2018 10:54

I work with a woman who just doesn't give a shite. She's perfectly pleasant but just will not do what she doesn't want to do. she'll happily then down invites with 'I don't want to thank you'. Will happily admit she has no interest in attending weddings etx. I think we could all learn something from.her but I'm a wimp so I won't lol

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 12/08/2018 10:56

Sometimes that comes across a bit rude

But I’ll do this. I say “not for me thanks, I have other plans” if I don’t want to go. No one has to know that the other plans are sitting on my sofa watching Netflix!

EnglishGirlApproximately · 12/08/2018 10:59

I’m a bit like that to be honest, I’m never rude and always thank people for inviting me but I just don’t go to things I don’t want to. DP on the other hand finds it impossible to say no and goes to all sorts of places then comes home and moans Hmm

It’s quite liberating tbh., I’ve only had the confidence to do it for the last, maybe, ten years and I’m much happier for it. I also don’t sponsor people for things I don’t support and don’t chip in for gifts for people I don’t get on with

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 11:02

I’m trying out being a bit more like this. It’s hard to get out of the people pleaser mindset though and I agonise over what to say so as to be least offensive when turning down an invite.

Original poster
BellaAmora · 12/08/2018 11:04

I'm a people pleaser so find it hard. She was invited to her nieces wedding and said no because she doesn't like weddingShock

OP posts:
cariadlet · 12/08/2018 11:07

She was invited to her nieces wedding and said no because she doesn't like wedding

Good for her.

I can't imagine that the niece would have been over bothered. People often invite all their relatives just because it's the done thing (unless it's a very small wedding).
One less person accepting an invitation means one less person to pay for.

DownUdderer · 12/08/2018 11:08

People pleasing must be exhausting and how do you genuinely know you’re making others happy anyway?

Doyoumind · 12/08/2018 11:11

As long as it works for her. Sometimes there's a bit of give and take required in life though. It's not just about pleasing people. It's also about not hurting their feelings.

Original poster
BellaAmora · 12/08/2018 11:13

I used to feel if I don't do everything people want then I'm a shit. I have changed a little bit but not loads

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 12/08/2018 11:20

People pleasing must be exhausting and how do you genuinely know you’re making others happy anyway?

It is and you don't. I'm a terrible people pleaser and frequently end up doing things I really don't want to because of it. I'm starting to get a bit better but I always seem to make excuses rather than his say 'no thanks'. I don't know why I'm like this.

deepsea · 12/08/2018 11:24

I have become like this since I turned forty. I made a list and then remind myself regularly the things I am not prepared to do.

A good place to start is with the life changing magic of not giving a fuck by Sarah knight

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 11:41

Thanks for the recommendation deepsea

WRT people pleasers: you rarely are making everyone happy. At least it rarely feels like your efforts are appreciated which is one of the reasons I decided to please myself more often than not.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 12/08/2018 11:50

I'm like this. I don't hurt or upset anyone (I hope!) but I don't do anything I don't want to. Works night out, secret santa, birthday collections for people I don't like..

I hate the martyrs at work complaining about how they're the ones to always make cakes or whatever. Just don't do it then, the world won't end and no-one asked you to in the first place.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/08/2018 11:52

I think there's a difference between not being a people pleaser (of which I'm one!) and being selfish - so never doing anything for anyone else.

Social situations aren't the most comfortable for me - but if someone invites me to their wedding I'd go as they obviously want me there.

I do wish I had the confidence to say no to other things at times though so get where you're coming from.

CaveyLass · 12/08/2018 11:54

I was a people pleaser with dh’s family. Did they appreciate the sacrifices I made to keep them happy? No. Did they object when I finally put my foot down and wouldn’t do stuff anymore? Yes.

Sil no longer speaks to me. Meh, she’s a twit anyway Grin

vivalafrida · 12/08/2018 11:59

I bet she's had therapy.

Magicstar1 · 12/08/2018 12:03

I’m like that...I’ve been known to channel John Wayne and say “I don’t like you” to people. It’s very liberating, and you don’t have to be fake.

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 12:08

but if someone invites me to their wedding I'd go as they obviously want me there.

Don’t kid yourself. For some people it really is just about numbers. They like to think having a huge wedding means they’re well loved and they’ve get to brag about how much their wedding cost because of all the people they “had” to invite.

Anonnymouse54321 · 12/08/2018 12:10

This is when aspergers comes in handy Grin. No people pleasing skills and never any guilt. I do tend to just say that I can't make something rather than outright say I'm not going because I don't like it but I am.more than happy to not do things I don't like and not join in with stuff I feel no obligation to.

TerfTerf2 · 12/08/2018 12:28

My friend sent me a pic from a new hotel near us which does a chocolate afternoon tea. I commented that it looked lovely. She said "when shall we go?" I replied honestly "I don't much like formal afternoon teas in hotels and not keen on all that chocolate. Sorry, didn't realise that's why you sent me the pic" She was slightly taken aback....Grin

I also turn down certain girls nights out when it's going to be all dancing and overpriced cocktails. And coffee with women who only want to slag off other women. And family events where I will be made to feel like a pushy parent because my children are polite and socially adept unlike my cousin's horrors. And Facebook groups that pass around racist/sexist 'warnings' about 'dodgy' people. I just say NO that isn't my kind of thing.

tectonicplates · 12/08/2018 12:29

When I got married, all I wanted was a straight yes or no answer from people to say if they were coming or not. There was one person who have gave a suspicious excuse but I was far too stressed to care - I was just glad I had a definite answer. The people who are really annoying are the people who dither about and keep you wondering so you have to chase them up.

I also had a friend (we are no longer friends) who often said she couldn't go out because she was skint, then later I'd find out that she actually went out with some other people instead. Why do people have such a problem with saying "sorry, it's not my thing so I'll give it a miss"?

Greenteandchives · 12/08/2018 12:32

I stopped going to work dos as I found them difficult and dull. Why spend my evening with people I have spent the day with? And all that shouting across the table in crowded bars. No thanks. So I just started saying no. It was very liberating, and nobody ostracised me at work for not going.

tectonicplates · 12/08/2018 12:33

Oh, and people pleasers are often the ones who end up cancelling on you at the last minute anyway. Far from pleasing people, they're actually pissing everyone off by being flakey. Just say no in the first place FFS.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:35

I’ve spent my life being a people pleaser until recently. Never rude or cheeky, just politely declining things I don’t want to do or feel pressured by.

It’s bkoody liberating!

Birdsgottafly · 12/08/2018 12:43

""She was invited to her nieces wedding and said no because she doesn't like wedding
Good for her.""

I don't understand not wanting to share a day that is special to a person, who you are supposed to love/be close to.

It might be that she has never bothered with a relationship with her close Family, which, unless there are issues, is quite sad.

I've always declined what I don't want to do, but if you've got good personal relationships, then it's just selfish and narcissistic to not consider their feelings.

I've also never cared what others though about me and don't understand the need for approval that some people have. I mean, I understand it from a psychology POV, but don't understand why they can't get rid of it.

maskingtape · 12/08/2018 13:12

I just think it's incredibly rude to make people feel bad. There's nothing difficult about saying 'sorry I'm busy' but to say you don't want to attend something just sounds rude.

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